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Parent Emeritus
Ugh, I did it again!!
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 725611" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Esther's saying is excellent!! It is something to remember because so often our really difficult kids want us to do things that would totally destroy our own situation in order to just make things a little easier for them. Not to make their situation livable, or to rescue them from a dangerous situation, but to make it nicer or more luxurious. </p><p></p><p>The next time she calls wanting something, don't give it to her right away. Tell her that you cannot get it for her now, but you will call her back tomorrow to tell her if you can. Stop and think before you say yes. Truly think about it, and about how hard it will make your life. </p><p></p><p>Will it save her from a situation where she will be beaten or raped, or will it just make things nicer or more convenient? </p><p></p><p>If it is the first, where is the police report? If she doesn't have one, she is lying to you. If she has one, and an officer has signed off on it, contact the officer to verify. Make sure that you contact him by looking up the number for the police department and asking for Officer Whatshisname. Don't just call a number she gives you that can be to a friend of hers who can lie for her. The number should show that it is a police department on your caller ID or it is not real. If it is the second, just say no. It isn't your job to make her life more convenient or nicer. It is her job to do that. If you make her life nice and convenient, she has ZERO motivation to get off her tushie and get a job. Or to spend her own money on herself.</p><p></p><p>One of the goals of a parent, in my opinion, should be to raise a contributing member of society. Not a happy person, or a nice person. Happy and nice are way down the list or priorities for me. As my kids grew up, the other parents were always yammering on about how their kids were not happy in this or that class, and how that teacher made them unhappy or wasn't nice to them. The Constitution promises us the PURSUIT of happiness, not happiness. People always forget that. The more you do to make your daughter's life easy, the less she will do for herself. Make her as uncomfortable as possible. It will get her to actually work. Then she can go out and pursue her own happiness. </p><p></p><p>I do hope you can see your grandbaby. Your daughter may use it as a weapon against you. That will be a shame. Decide now that you won't let her. It will only make you her hostage and slave. It won't increase your ability to see your grandbaby, it will only decrease the ability to improve your life and your control over your life. Right now your daughter wants to be one of those old time feudal lords who didn't work but had a peasant who worked day and night to support the lord. The peasant lived on nothing in a shack not fit for livestock. The lord didn't give a darn as long as the $$$ kept coming in. </p><p></p><p>As for your rights, those vary HUGELY by state. In my state, my parents have zero rights over my children. They do have rights over my brother's child. Why? I am married to my husband, but my brother and his wife divorced. In cases where the parents are not married, the grandparents have rights in my state, generous ones. Look up grandparents' rights in your state to see what rights you will have. If your daughter lives in another state, check that state also.</p><p></p><p>Keep coming here for support. We are here and we know this process takes time. </p><p></p><p>Merry Christmas!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 725611, member: 1233"] Esther's saying is excellent!! It is something to remember because so often our really difficult kids want us to do things that would totally destroy our own situation in order to just make things a little easier for them. Not to make their situation livable, or to rescue them from a dangerous situation, but to make it nicer or more luxurious. The next time she calls wanting something, don't give it to her right away. Tell her that you cannot get it for her now, but you will call her back tomorrow to tell her if you can. Stop and think before you say yes. Truly think about it, and about how hard it will make your life. Will it save her from a situation where she will be beaten or raped, or will it just make things nicer or more convenient? If it is the first, where is the police report? If she doesn't have one, she is lying to you. If she has one, and an officer has signed off on it, contact the officer to verify. Make sure that you contact him by looking up the number for the police department and asking for Officer Whatshisname. Don't just call a number she gives you that can be to a friend of hers who can lie for her. The number should show that it is a police department on your caller ID or it is not real. If it is the second, just say no. It isn't your job to make her life more convenient or nicer. It is her job to do that. If you make her life nice and convenient, she has ZERO motivation to get off her tushie and get a job. Or to spend her own money on herself. One of the goals of a parent, in my opinion, should be to raise a contributing member of society. Not a happy person, or a nice person. Happy and nice are way down the list or priorities for me. As my kids grew up, the other parents were always yammering on about how their kids were not happy in this or that class, and how that teacher made them unhappy or wasn't nice to them. The Constitution promises us the PURSUIT of happiness, not happiness. People always forget that. The more you do to make your daughter's life easy, the less she will do for herself. Make her as uncomfortable as possible. It will get her to actually work. Then she can go out and pursue her own happiness. I do hope you can see your grandbaby. Your daughter may use it as a weapon against you. That will be a shame. Decide now that you won't let her. It will only make you her hostage and slave. It won't increase your ability to see your grandbaby, it will only decrease the ability to improve your life and your control over your life. Right now your daughter wants to be one of those old time feudal lords who didn't work but had a peasant who worked day and night to support the lord. The peasant lived on nothing in a shack not fit for livestock. The lord didn't give a darn as long as the $$$ kept coming in. As for your rights, those vary HUGELY by state. In my state, my parents have zero rights over my children. They do have rights over my brother's child. Why? I am married to my husband, but my brother and his wife divorced. In cases where the parents are not married, the grandparents have rights in my state, generous ones. Look up grandparents' rights in your state to see what rights you will have. If your daughter lives in another state, check that state also. Keep coming here for support. We are here and we know this process takes time. Merry Christmas! [/QUOTE]
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Ugh, I did it again!!
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