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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 635196" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>He may change. He has to want to change. He may not change. While you wait for the hoped-for change, you don't have to banish him from your life. Meeting once a week for coffee, as long as he stays civil, is something some do. I let my son call me (he lives states away) as long as he remains civil to me. If he doesn't, I hang up and he knows I will hang up if he gets angry or abusive toward me because we have discussed it. He pushed my boundaries at first; now he is USUALLY (not always) civil. He knows he can only talk to me if he is respectful, the way I am to him. I do not send money. I do not offer to allow him to live with me. I give emotional support only. In an adult/adult relationship, that is to me how it is supposed to be. Some of our adult children only come to us when they want something, like money. It is more a needy child relationship.</p><p></p><p>In my opinion, you are doing more harm to you son by coddling his horrible behavior than by detaching. Detaching doesn't mean abandoning. It means that you have decided not to enable his behavior in the hopes that by doing so, both of you will do better. He will have to grow up, at least a little bit, and accept the consequences of his actions...or decide he is sick of his lifestyle and change. Either way, he has to learn to depend on himself. He is not ten years old anymore. He is a man. People his age fight in war, are in college, work full time. Sometimes we keep seeing that ten year old boy, but he is not that ten year old boy anymore.When/If they decide they truly want help, we are there for them. That does not mean we throw money at them. That means we are there to support them with our love.</p><p></p><p>It would help to learn how to block out the reactions of others. Often our extremely disturbed adult children keep us "stuck" because we are embarassed and/or ashamed. But we are not trying to get a toddler to grow up. We are making normal demands of an adult. Most young adults eagerly move on and grow up. If they won't, is it being good to them to help them stay a child without consequences? Is it good to send them a message that we will put up with their abuse? Their criminality? I don't think so, but the answer for your situation is up to you.</p><p></p><p>Also, you have a life and other loved ones who care about you and often we get so tied up with our difficult children, who we can't change, that we put everyone else, including ourselves, on the backburner. Do you think that's fair for them and for you?</p><p></p><p>If somebody has not walked in your shoes, they are clueless. This is your walk to take. Nobody else has been through your experience. All of us have received criticism. When I made my son leave, the friend's mother whom he stayed with called me to yell at me about being a horrible parent. Three weeks later, she threw him out and hmmmmmmmm I didn't get an apology for his harsh words.</p><p></p><p>These "others" simply don't get it. If they haed to live with your son, they would get it.</p><p></p><p>Hugs and hoping you can find some serenity in your day.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 635196, member: 1550"] He may change. He has to want to change. He may not change. While you wait for the hoped-for change, you don't have to banish him from your life. Meeting once a week for coffee, as long as he stays civil, is something some do. I let my son call me (he lives states away) as long as he remains civil to me. If he doesn't, I hang up and he knows I will hang up if he gets angry or abusive toward me because we have discussed it. He pushed my boundaries at first; now he is USUALLY (not always) civil. He knows he can only talk to me if he is respectful, the way I am to him. I do not send money. I do not offer to allow him to live with me. I give emotional support only. In an adult/adult relationship, that is to me how it is supposed to be. Some of our adult children only come to us when they want something, like money. It is more a needy child relationship. In my opinion, you are doing more harm to you son by coddling his horrible behavior than by detaching. Detaching doesn't mean abandoning. It means that you have decided not to enable his behavior in the hopes that by doing so, both of you will do better. He will have to grow up, at least a little bit, and accept the consequences of his actions...or decide he is sick of his lifestyle and change. Either way, he has to learn to depend on himself. He is not ten years old anymore. He is a man. People his age fight in war, are in college, work full time. Sometimes we keep seeing that ten year old boy, but he is not that ten year old boy anymore.When/If they decide they truly want help, we are there for them. That does not mean we throw money at them. That means we are there to support them with our love. It would help to learn how to block out the reactions of others. Often our extremely disturbed adult children keep us "stuck" because we are embarassed and/or ashamed. But we are not trying to get a toddler to grow up. We are making normal demands of an adult. Most young adults eagerly move on and grow up. If they won't, is it being good to them to help them stay a child without consequences? Is it good to send them a message that we will put up with their abuse? Their criminality? I don't think so, but the answer for your situation is up to you. Also, you have a life and other loved ones who care about you and often we get so tied up with our difficult children, who we can't change, that we put everyone else, including ourselves, on the backburner. Do you think that's fair for them and for you? If somebody has not walked in your shoes, they are clueless. This is your walk to take. Nobody else has been through your experience. All of us have received criticism. When I made my son leave, the friend's mother whom he stayed with called me to yell at me about being a horrible parent. Three weeks later, she threw him out and hmmmmmmmm I didn't get an apology for his harsh words. These "others" simply don't get it. If they haed to live with your son, they would get it. Hugs and hoping you can find some serenity in your day. [/QUOTE]
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