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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 635376" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Welcome LMW. I'm glad you found us.</p><p></p><p>Your story is familiar to us. Most of us are dealing with an adult child who has for one reason or another gone off the rails. There is nothing more you can do once he is an adult. If they change at all, it is often when we stop enabling them. The criteria for gaining entry back in to our lives is when they begin taking responsibility for their choices, when they respect us, when they learn that their behavior has consequences and they now know what they are and that you will impose them, that they respect your boundaries and honor your wishes. Their behavior alone determines the outcome.</p><p></p><p>You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. You may want to read the book, Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie. Both are excellent resources for us parents. For many of us support for US becomes crucial.......you may consider going to a 12 step group or something similar in your country, like Al Anon, or Narc anon, or CoDa or Families Anonymous, a place where you can go for support, guidance, empathy and understanding. Private therapy, parent support groups, whatever you can find that will support YOU.</p><p></p><p>Those who judge us have not walked in our shoes. I have found that often WE are the cruelest judgers of ourselves because of our own expectations of ourselves as parents and thinking we must have failed when our kids are troubled, it MUST have been something we did or didn't do. Well, I have learned that sometimes, with our best and most heroic efforts, some kids just fail to launch, or get involved with drugs or alcohol, or have a mental disorder or all of the above.............. and at some point we have to admit to ourselves that there is no more we can do to save them, they have to save themselves. We never stop loving them or wanting what is best for them or even offering a hand if we see that they have developed the willingness to change. However, they must develop that willingness, we can't do that for them. </p><p></p><p>I am sorry you are in so much pain. I was in that place a mere three years ago with my adult daughter. No matter how old they are, if they are lost, it is a heartbreak for us and we suffer the agonies of the damned trying to save them. But we can't save them. We are powerless to enact change in another human being no matter who they are. That powerlessness, that lack of control is a devastating blow to us, and very hard to take in and adjust to, but it is the truth. Once we begin to accept that truth, OUR lives get considerably better. The situation with our kids may or may not change, but we change and we get healthier and we get happier. I can attest to that because I've gone through that and come out the other side of it........no one being more surprised then me, believe me...........but it can be done, even with the person you love the very most in the world. Detaching and ultimately acceptance of what is, are the ways to peace.</p><p></p><p>You are doing the right thing in my opinion in distancing yourself from him for now. He is NOT the funny and loving little boy he once was, he is an adult in the eyes of the law, he is a man, he is responsible for his choices and his behavior.......not you. Blaming you is the usual tactic our kids take when we begin to say no and set boundaries, it plays on our guilt and they know it and use it as a device to get us to go back to taking care of them. You are wise not to fall for it. </p><p></p><p>You sound as if you are coming out of the FOG of untruths our kids weave around us. This is good. Get yourself some real support for YOU. Keep posting it helps. Be kind to yourself and put the focus on yourself now. </p><p></p><p>If you can, please put a signature at the bottom of your post as you see we all have. You can do that by going up to your screen name in the upper right hand corner of this thread, clicking on it, scroll down, find signature, write one and remember to save it. That helps us to remember your story so we can respond appropriately.</p><p></p><p>I'm glad you're here. I hope you can find some peace in the coming days. Put your needs first now, take very good care of YOU.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 635376, member: 13542"] Welcome LMW. I'm glad you found us. Your story is familiar to us. Most of us are dealing with an adult child who has for one reason or another gone off the rails. There is nothing more you can do once he is an adult. If they change at all, it is often when we stop enabling them. The criteria for gaining entry back in to our lives is when they begin taking responsibility for their choices, when they respect us, when they learn that their behavior has consequences and they now know what they are and that you will impose them, that they respect your boundaries and honor your wishes. Their behavior alone determines the outcome. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. You may want to read the book, Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie. Both are excellent resources for us parents. For many of us support for US becomes crucial.......you may consider going to a 12 step group or something similar in your country, like Al Anon, or Narc anon, or CoDa or Families Anonymous, a place where you can go for support, guidance, empathy and understanding. Private therapy, parent support groups, whatever you can find that will support YOU. Those who judge us have not walked in our shoes. I have found that often WE are the cruelest judgers of ourselves because of our own expectations of ourselves as parents and thinking we must have failed when our kids are troubled, it MUST have been something we did or didn't do. Well, I have learned that sometimes, with our best and most heroic efforts, some kids just fail to launch, or get involved with drugs or alcohol, or have a mental disorder or all of the above.............. and at some point we have to admit to ourselves that there is no more we can do to save them, they have to save themselves. We never stop loving them or wanting what is best for them or even offering a hand if we see that they have developed the willingness to change. However, they must develop that willingness, we can't do that for them. I am sorry you are in so much pain. I was in that place a mere three years ago with my adult daughter. No matter how old they are, if they are lost, it is a heartbreak for us and we suffer the agonies of the damned trying to save them. But we can't save them. We are powerless to enact change in another human being no matter who they are. That powerlessness, that lack of control is a devastating blow to us, and very hard to take in and adjust to, but it is the truth. Once we begin to accept that truth, OUR lives get considerably better. The situation with our kids may or may not change, but we change and we get healthier and we get happier. I can attest to that because I've gone through that and come out the other side of it........no one being more surprised then me, believe me...........but it can be done, even with the person you love the very most in the world. Detaching and ultimately acceptance of what is, are the ways to peace. You are doing the right thing in my opinion in distancing yourself from him for now. He is NOT the funny and loving little boy he once was, he is an adult in the eyes of the law, he is a man, he is responsible for his choices and his behavior.......not you. Blaming you is the usual tactic our kids take when we begin to say no and set boundaries, it plays on our guilt and they know it and use it as a device to get us to go back to taking care of them. You are wise not to fall for it. You sound as if you are coming out of the FOG of untruths our kids weave around us. This is good. Get yourself some real support for YOU. Keep posting it helps. Be kind to yourself and put the focus on yourself now. If you can, please put a signature at the bottom of your post as you see we all have. You can do that by going up to your screen name in the upper right hand corner of this thread, clicking on it, scroll down, find signature, write one and remember to save it. That helps us to remember your story so we can respond appropriately. I'm glad you're here. I hope you can find some peace in the coming days. Put your needs first now, take very good care of YOU. [/QUOTE]
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