Unbearably missing difficult child - why?

[Steely]

OMG,

What is my deal? Suddenly, out of the blue, I miss difficult child like I have left him at pre-school on his first day of school.

I don't know if it is hormones, or the fact I will be seeing him in 2 weeks and I am nervous, or the possibility of my new job in a new town without him - but it is insane. I feel like I did when he was little, just needing to see him when he was 2 and I worked a 10 hour day. That kinda maternal, guttural, feeling. I hate it.

He has been gone 6 months, and I have only seen him once, but I have not felt like this until about 4 days ago. Of course I have really missed him, but it has not been this type of intense feeling, or this nauseating, for lack of a better word.

To make it even more complicated, I start perseverating on missing difficult child - and then I start missing H. - and then I just start to cry and have a huge anxiety attack all at the same time.

I do have to say in the course of 18 months, every 6 months I have had traumatic life events. My dad, H., difficult child leaving - and if I get this job - that will be the fourth major life event in 2 years. Maybe I am just in over my head with this job thing. Maybe it is too much.

I don't know. Any ideas, besides something biological? Any ideas on making it freaking go away? I know it is on the un-healthy side of me to be like this - especially if I am still feeling this when I go see difficult child. That would be really, really bad.

 

[klmno]

My guess is it's the job and move issue. Would it help to start getting a few things together to take to him on your next visit? Or make a list of things to check into on your mini-vacation/out of town interview. I'm just thinking that if you can keep your mind on the near future instead of the past, it might help.

But, I'm sure it's tough. I cried half the way home from my visit with difficult child today. I was thinking about his young years, just as you mentioned about M. I don't know what we are supposed to do as parents sometimes, it seems we just have to let go a little at a time and we never know when it's going to hit us.

 

[Andy]

You want to share the latest on a daily basis with difficult child. This board helps with venting and sharing but sometimes the in person relative and friend is needed more.

Klmno gave good advice. Focus on the moment and plans for the future. Make those plans realistic - build a check off list. Get some brochures to take on your visit to share the new town with difficult child.

Moving alone is hard - so many unknowns and difficult child is the person you want to share this new adventure with. You can find ways of doing this which may help the missing him feeling stay calmer.

 

[Hound dog]

I'm guessing the move and the new job is the trigger for this episode. Which isn't surprising, really. Such big life events are usually shared with family/close friends. You could try reminding yourself that you will be sharing this with difficult child in the future. Maybe that will help some.

Get some brochures to take on your visit to share the new town with difficult child.

This is a really good idea.

Hugs

 

[susiestar]

I don't have any advice, but wanted to let you know I am thinking about you and sending (((hugs))).

 

[timer lady]

Sweetie, you're going through so much change & your one constant (good or bad) over the years has been difficult child.

Go with the flow ~ don't question it. It just is. I hope you & difficult child have a wonderful visit.

 

[ScentofCedar]

For us, every change brought with it the grief we felt at the way things had turned out. We were grieving the little boy we loved, the adolescent we lost, and our shattered family in the present.

It has to do with the change process, I think ~ it's like tearing a thing up by the roots so you can transplant it. When you move into another place in your life, you come to really understand how much has been lost, how different things are than you ever envisioned they would be, and it hurts.

It will be better, once you are settled, again.

Let yourself grieve, so that you can let go of it. It's part of the recovery process, I think.

Barbara

 

[bran155]

Oh Steely, I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I agree with the others, it's probably the possibility of a huge change ahead. And it is an adjustment to live without your child. Even if it was hell with him, it's what you have known, your comfort zone and you miss the "norm".

You will get through this hun. Good things are coming for you girl!

Keeping you in my thoughts.

(((HUGS)))

 

[Wiped Out]

I wish I had some great advice, sending gentle hugs your way.

 

[Steely]

Thanks for your wisdom. I believe you are unbelievably correct. Moving is a tangible thing that demonstrates in a physical way my losses. Matthew and I lived in this house since he was 6, just the 2 of us - and in this neighborhood since he was born.

This is embarrassing, but true, I have kept Matt's door closed to his room since he left. I mean, I have never even cleaned it up. It is as he left it 6 months ago. I am surprised to even admit that, that is how much in denial I have been over him never coming back into my house again - even though I know without a shadow of a doubt he will not come back (on a conscious level), there is a part of me that cannot bear to go in there and dismantle his stuff and pack it away. In every way this was/is our house. Every single aspect of this little house, all 900 sq ft, was shared by us and our dogs. I still wake up every day thinking I am hearing him walking through the house.

I literally have only seen Matt once in 6 months, and he was sicker than he has ever been in his whole life, and in phosph. So, that is the other part of this, my emotions that I feel about seeing him next week are sky high. I want to hug him like a little kid, and be his mom again, and tell him what to do, and, I don't know - just be me. Yet, I am pretty sure that is not the healthy thing to do - and I literally do not know what to say or how to act for the 3 days we will have together as a visit. I cry just thinking about all the emotions I have bottled up over the last 6 months towards wanting to see him.

As an addendum............
I guess closure was also something I never got the privilege to do with H either - since I was not given any of her things - I never I got the physical closure of packing her things, saying goodbye to her dog - I never even got to say goodbye to her, or see her body. There was no closure, except in a spiritual way.

And so now, if I move - it will close the door to my life as I know it. And well, sometimes I feel like it is too much. And then I start super obsessing over Matthew, and feeling SO worried, and anxious and sad. Well, you know.

Anyway.......I keep looking at the newspapers Toto sent me 6 weeks ago from AZ listing jobs - and thinking how surreal it all is that I had this idea to go there - and now out of the blue - it may happen. Yet I feel like a child inside.

Thanks for your wisdom, and letting me ramble. It helps to write it all out I think.

And as a second addendum........
This other mgr at work wants us to go to court over the harassment I received at this place I have worked for the last year. I am compiling it all, and analyzing it - but - again, I don't know.

 

[ScentofCedar]

This is the pain no one else sees. No one who hasn't had to open that closed door and clean that room could ever understand the courage it takes to do something that seems so simple.

Even now, looking back on it from years away, I can still see that closed door, can still remember stepping into that room. I think it is worse for us than it might be for someone who has lost her child.

Ours are still in danger, are still hungry or cold or who knows what.

I think you are doing the right thing by moving away.

We did, too.

Our old house just held too much loss, too many shattered dreams.

You are right to grieve now, to bring it out in the open where you can see and cope with it, and begin to heal.

Barbara

 

[Steely]

Wow, Cedar. Thank you so much for your compassion, and deep understanding. It means a lot to me to know people who understand how painful opening that door truly is. Both metaphorically, and literally.