Unbelievable - Or Maybe Not for a difficult child...

[DaisyFace]

Some of difficult child's expectations lately really have me cranky...

She wants to rent out the ballroom at this fancy place downtown so she can have a "Masquerade Ball" for an MTV-Style Sweet Sixteen bash for her birthday in the Spring.

She has been looking at castles and then announcing "O, that's the one I want to live in!"

She has already started her Xmas list.

And because this weekend is Halloween, she has all kinds of plans for going out with friends, sleepovers, watching scary movies, etc.

Well, that's all well and good - but then ask her to help with something around the house? O she'd being tortured! O what cruel and horrible people we are! O the horror! And then she doesn't do it anyway...



I know, I know...this is nothing new - but gee whiz! At some point, couldn't she please get some small grip on reality? As in - if you won't pitch in around the house, and you won't go out and earn any money yourself, and if you can't even be nice to the rest of your family....you gotta figure there's not a big "party fund" of available cash being set aside for your stupid wish list!

O and one more - husband told her as soon as she moves out, he's going to turn her bedroom into a "game room".

She told him he could not.

Why not?

Because even though she will be moving out ASAP (because of how horrible we are to live with, of course) she expects to keep all of her stuff here so that she can just stop over whenever she wants.

So it will be our job to watch over her things...

 

[AnnieO]

Umm... Reality check anytime soon?

And since when is it "her" room? I thought it was yours, and she was allowed to borrow it for now?

 

[shellyd67]

Sometimes difficult children sense of "reality" is so unbelievable. They think money growns on trees. I remember watching an old Walton's episode where MaryEllen wanted to go to a dance and was lounging around complaining and good ole Grandma Walton whipped her butt with the broom and told her she better get to her chores and earn her night out .... Ahhhh if real life was only that simple ....

 

[KTMom91]

Gotta love that difficult child sense of entitlement...now that Miss KT has to share her room with the computer and printer, she has been a bit nicer...and asked us to please have her bed done by Thanksgiving so she won't have to sleep on the floor. We're working on it...

 

[Marguerite]

We got an entitlement episode with difficult child 3 the other night - he recently begged us to let him play online games, and we relented after much discussion. But we increasingly heard him using really bad language and nasty attitudes to others over the mike, so I told him that language like that was not permitted under our roof, because we don't want to hear it and have the right to have an attitude-free zone. Any more language like that and we will revoke our permission.
He then finished his game and came down to tell me that the games are HIS and he can play them. So I enlightened him - WE pay the electricity bill and we can choose to have it shut off so we live by candlelight. Our hot water is already solar so we'll still be able to shower with hot water. But HE gets to play his games with OUR permission and OUR internet; we can always lock it up with passwords again. I reminded him that he gets a lot of leeway from us because we recognise he needs to learn self-control rather than be controlled, but if he won't give back the same respect we are trying to show him, then we can always go back to strict parental control, like other families do it.
He ten began to give me attitude about an older issue where husband tried to impose control and they had a physical altercation and difficult child 3 was saying he was glad he left bruises. So I sent him out of the room, told him to shut the door on his way out because he was now choosing just to be plain nasty instead of discussing things in a sensible mature way and behaving like a brat was no way to convince us to continue to allow the online gaming.

Since then he has greatly moderated his language and his attitude. I think me telling him that his behaviour was openly and heavily bullying behaviour also shocked him into compliance.

Some of the "I am going to have this kind of party and live in this kind of house" is pure fantasy and castles in the air. Dreams are OK, but reality has to also fit. You can remind her that there is no well of party fund in the house for anyone, and certainly not if you have to pay someone else to do her chores - that also comes out of any party fund.

easy child 2/difficult child 2 for years has dreamed of her rose-covered cottage, but is realistic enough to know it won't happen without a decent income. Of course she will say, "I want that house, I'll buy it when I've got the money," but is not being idiotic about it. Mind you, there were times when she was younger when she would resent a person who had what she did not; I worked hard to give her a strong sense of reality. One example - remember the 2000 Olympics? There was a young girl wearing a pink romper suit (or sunsuit) who was a focus of the Opening Ceremony (also in the Closing Ceremony). easy child 2/difficult child 2 was in the final 20 for the auditions for that role. Frankly, I think she had only been included because she had auditioned for another role (stiltwalking - they used about 50 of them) and broken her wrist at the audition, so she couldn't get in that way. And two things were against her at the "Hero Girl" audition - she had a broken wrist (same problem with not being able to rehearse until it was healed) and she simply wasn't up to the standard of the other kids there. Close, but just not good enough and not as much experience. The girl who got the job had been performing professionally on stage at the age of 5. And easy child 2/difficult child 2 was jealous as anything, kept saying, "I hate Nikki Webster." After the Olympics in Sydney, Nikki Webster got picked up for other performing work, including a role as Dorothy in Wizard of Oz on stage. She brought out a couple of songs on the pop charts, was doing ads, had a lot of work. But as often happens, the Nikki bashing began. In Australia we call it the "tall poppy" syndrome and is a nastier side of Australian culture. I don't think it's purely Australian, though. It became the fashion for comedians, then members of the public, to vent about this young girl who really was very talented and capable. But she was still a kid and really, shouldn't have copped the flak she did for just being her. I then talked to easy child 2/difficult child 2 and said, "She is copping this flak not because of anything she has done wrong, not because she is bad at what she does, but because she is in the public eye. If you had got that gig, YOU would be the kid in the firing line. NOW are you still jealous? Or can you sympathise with the girl?"
It was a very important stage in the development of easy child 2/difficult child 2. I had been about to pull the plug on her involvement in performance, if she couldn't develop a professional attitude about the others in the industry. It's interesting - Nikki Webster these days runs a child talent school in her own name. But she still has a face that looks very childlike, as does easy child 2/difficult child 2. And this can be an asset, IF you are not well-known. easy child 2/difficult child 2 has got work because she looks so much younger, but can work the adult (ie longer hours) conditions. But Nikki Webster is too well-known to get those jobs and formed her talent school because she can no longer get other work. The baby face was an asset for the original job, but now is a liability.
Yesterday at easy child 2/difficult child 2's first appointment with a new therapist, he said to her, "Which grade are you in at Middle School??"
easy child 2/difficult child 2 chuckled and said, "I'm 24 and married."

Marg

 

[Wiped Out]

DF-Sounds a lot like my easy child/difficult child in many ways.

 

[Jena]

watch over her things?? lol yes as she peers from her castle window at her old house and room yes gotta love those kids............of ours!

 

[DammitJanet]

I so get what you mean. I have a pouty 21 year old here who must think the world owes her because livable isnt good enough for her. She wants champagne on a beer budget.

 

[HaoZi]

Yeesh, considering imports and all, sometimes it's hard enough to have beer on a beer budget.

 

[DaisyFace]

So I had a chance to sit down and confront difficult child with some of this this morning...

She had been asked (gasp!!!) to do dishes after breakfast and was just standing at the sink, running the water full-blast, and just holding one item at a time under the faucet until it "magically" rinsed clean. So five minutes of rinsing one fork....then leave the water running....get another item....hold that one under the water for five minutes....etc.

husband and I told her that was quite enough of that and she'd actually need to use her HANDS and WASH the dishes with a scrubby. Naturally, she was all attitude (obviously, we were waaaayyyy out of line). We told her she was running up the water bill. Well, she doesn't care...she figures that's not her problem.

So I took the opportunity to ask her just exactly what she has in mind for this big "sweet sixteen" party she's been talking about. Well, she launched into how she wants to rent out a place and have this elaborate masquerade ball and yadda, yadda, yadda...

We told her that the kind of event she was talking about would cost thousands of dollars. We also pointed out that what she sees on tv happens for rich kids living in Hollywood. No regular folks have giant 'sweet sixteen' parties. We also explained that none of her invited guests would be able to shell out hundreds of dollars for the elaborate outfits she wants them to wear for the event.

This clearly was not sinking in with difficult child. She seemed to think I was just being witchy.

After more explaining and more explaining....I actually made a diagram for difficult child.

I showed her that HERE is all the necessary bills that we have every month. Over here is extras which we want to provide for the family just becuase we love them. Now if a family member is adding to the bills over HERE...what makes you think we are going to have a lot of extra money over here?

And, I asked her, if the family member that is running up all the bills is being rude and giving all kinds of attitude....why should the rest of the family make sure there is a lot of money available for extras for that person?

Well, that seemed to get through to difficult child somewhat. She seemed to "get it".

I guess we'll see....

 

[Farmwife]

A diagram like that would never work for my difficult child. He may "get it" but 5 minutes later he would be back in the land of delusion, chasing the next overpriced, shiny piece of plastic junk he could beg and plead for.


I have had to keep it much simpler which fortunately enough worked. Everytime he asked for something I would respond with "do you have a job?" or "when did you get a job?" or something along those lines. The first few times he would naturally say no and I would respond with "well, that's too bad then, I guess you can't afford it." I often see other parents who overhear this responding with a silent chuckle. I wonder how many other kids get this same respopnse now because I have no shame using it in public. lol

It got to be such a routine that if he even wanted to do the "hey look at this" game in the store (strong hint/beg on his part) he would follow up with "I know I know, get a job". He was actually good humored about it. It made saying no so much easier. Never had a problem since, in that department anyway. now he does have a job, bought his own car and bought his fancy brand clothes because he gets generic from us. He is very proud of himself in that sense too.

The dishes is an ongoing battle in our house. My rule is that if I cook it I don't clean it. I do a lot of elaborate meals but refuse to do all the dishes after dinner. difficult child has the option to either join us and do clean up or he can cook for himself. (the novelty of cooking for himself ran out quickly when I stopped keeping easy to fix foods or junk in the house) If he does a bad job on dishes after the fact because his mood slipped then he is uninvited from the next meal...I usually make that one special just to drive home the "pain" of missing out. I figure if he gets a "freebie" meal out of me and then in hindsight does me wrong over clean up I am going to make him regret it. Of course my difficult child is very food oriented, he is a teen boy after all.

Either way, both of these simple tactics saved me a lot of those conversations where he just tuned me out anyway but I still get my point across.

 

[DammitJanet]

I used the "get a job" routine too. I also stopped buying anything but generic once I started getting really bad attitude from Cory about clothing. Oddly enough, when it was him having to shell out money he actually had to work for, he didnt want to pay the huge prices for name brands...lol. He finds lookalikes. Now his girlfriend? Sigh...she is spoiled. He wont put his foot down and I wont tell you where I would put my foot.