Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by standswithcourage, Mar 24, 2009.

  1. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Well friends I felt I had to open a new thread. I had known all along that the guy and his dad my difficult child was living with was bad news. I have known it for years. I told my difficult child yesterday that if I was him I would be looking for another place to live - he said he had no other choice - I told him yes he did - detox - mission - somewhere to get help - he said no - that we were the cause of him being homeless and basically it was our fault - I told him no it was his fault for disobeying the rules - again - anyway, that was when I made my $10.00 mistake and beat myself up the rest of the night - went to alanon and vented - where they love me unconditionally - and came home. I got a phone call - forgot to turn off cell phone - at 4:15 in the morning - from difficult child - he and his "friend" had gotten into a fight - he was at Waffle House in hhis boxers - coat - shoes - could we come and get him - obviously drunk or whatever - I started having a panic attack as usual and my husband said ***** no - and I started to cry - of course difficult child starts begging please I will go to detox tomorrow, etc., anyway - we did not go get him - hard - he walked into the city of a small town where he is - I called the police and they couldnt find him - so in a little while - trying to sleep - he calls and said did you call the police and I said yes - he said why I said beacause you need help - he says dont do that - I am ok - I said where are you (mistake) he said I am not going to tell you - ilove you - bye - I asked him if he was going to detox and he said yes - who knows - I dont know where he is - this is so hard - it is hard to know if you are detaching too much or what - i dont want to enable him - i think I am a trigger for him too - what is he supposed to do know? If he goes to detox what next? Where do they go to wait? I am so sad and scared.
  2. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Oh Stands, I can feel your heartbreak. If he needs detox, he needs it NOW! You don't wait until the next day for it. Can you ask him to go to the county social service center and ask for help? They should be able to get him into a treatment center. Food and shelter and hopefully learn about what his life choices are doing to him?

    If he gets to detox, staff there might know how to contact the county to get further help?
  3. Dollhouse

    Dollhouse Guest

    My goodness; I don't even know what to say. I wish I had the words or advice to tell you what to do. It's so hard; if it were me, I probably would have picked him up and then dropped him off at a shelter, etc. But again, in doing that, are you helping too much??. It's such a fine line with-worrying abou their safety, etc. I don't know if I could have NOT gone to get him. Not to bring him home, but someplace that would have been safe. I cannot imagine my man-child out on his own because he couldn't do it..Serioulsy he couldn't. :(

    Hugs and prayers to your and your husband. I'm sorry that I could not be of any help.

  4. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I dont know where he is. I cannot reach him. I dont even know if I should look for him. He thinks I will get the police on him. It is very hard. My husband says we should not go try and find him. How do I know he is ok? I wish I didnt worry.
  5. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think your husband is right. It's so hard not to worry, I know, but your trying to find him is only going to feed into his drama. If this is a "bottom" for him, he needs to hit it all by himself. I suspect it may not be, though ... and he will figure this out, I am fairly sure of that. You have to just trust that he is ok, somewhere, and remember the "no news is good news" thing... you'll hear if he ISN'T ok.

    Can you go to another al-anon meeting tonight? Or call your sponsor or another member?
  6. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    I am so sorry! I know how you feel, I don't know where my daughter is either! It is absolute hell, torture and hurts like a son of a gun!!! I can totally understand how difficult it is to not rescue your child. I know how your heart aches and the worry is suffocating! I try to just take it one day at a time. My daughter calls but doesn't ask me to help her, she doesn't want to come back as she will have to turn herself in for a warrant. I don't know how I would react if my daughter called for help. I think you did the right thing. I probably would offer just what you did, police, the mission, detox, anywhere but home! I know what you mean about being too detached. I often feel like that as well. Truthfully though, we as parents can only do so much. Our kids actually have to do the work it takes to save themselves. That is the hardest part, waiting for them to be ready.

    Hang in there.

    (((HUGS))) :)
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Sorry Susan, I think husband has got the right point of view this time around. Hitting rock bottom is never pretty, usually is quite ugly and awful.

    If you can, go to another meeting tonight or call someone you can sit and talk yourself thru this.

    Don't go beating yourself up for doing the right thing. difficult child is an adult. He'll cope just fine. Otherwise, I'm sure he'd have called you again. This is the perfect time to practice detachment. I know it's hard, but we all have to start somewhere.

  8. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm not sending advice.......just supportive hugs as you go through this trauma
    and uncertainty. It would be wonderful if we had an indexed book on "What to Do." We don't and have to wing it. I understand your confusion and your fears. DDD
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Your son is probably back home with that other family right now. I would lay even money on it. They had a fight, he ran off to call home, that didnt work...so even money says he wandered back to them. I have seen it happen dozens of times over in that trailer park Cory lives in. Seems like some kind of drama is always going on. Kind of amusing if you are looking in from the outside...lol.

    Dont worry. If there is something to worry about, you would be the first person to know and it wouldnt be from your son.
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You did exactly the right thing. He won't learn a thing if you rescue him. It's his fault he got into the fight and that he's even with them. If he wasn't a drug addict, he wouldn't have to hang out with drug addicts. Assume that everyone he associates with right now is a drug addict and that it won't change until he does. And, for heavens sake, don't let him come home because of his own horrible choices! He doesn't need to go home to go to detox. He can do that wherever he's at. It still doesn't sound like he's ready to live a safe and sane life and, if he makes that choice, it won't be from the comfort of your living room.
    Your son is a man. If you want him to ever grow up, let him do this himself. You don't really want him to be 40 and the same as he is now. I know grown parents in their 70's who should be living peaceful lives who are still trying to rescue 40 year old drug addict kids. They don't get it--it's too late.
    Go on with the good part of your life and detach. Don't help him stay this way.
  11. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Thannks all for your comments and concern. I just went to my daughters house to give them some soup I made and they kinda told me to stop trying to save him. My daughter has some resentment and so does her hubby. They have always told me that and I know it. It just hurts as a mother but I dont want to make everyone else think I am doing more for him - it is just so unnerving. I also told my husband and easy child that I wanted them here more than I wanted difficult child here - thanks for helping me stay strong and also my 12 step program and I will call a member tonight!
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You don't want to know where he is.

    So what if he thinks you called the police? Big deal.

    No, you shouldn't try to find him. WHat will that accomplish?

    We all worry. But it doesn't help our kids. Only they can help themselves. He's probably pretty street savvy by now and used to dealing with rough people because he himself is one of them now. He can handle himself on the streets or, if he can't, you certainly are less equipped to be able to handle that life than he is. He's been at it for a while. My daughter always landed on her feet, although she had some close calls. Nothing WE did changed her behavior one bit.
  13. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!


    I agree completely with Lisa.

    My mom and I were talking the other day and she said something that really struck me: Most people are exactly where they want to be in life.

    This is where difficult child wants to be right now. Life hasn't become too uncomfortable for him to want to change. If he didn't want to be where he is, he would be sincerely trying to make changes. A lot of people struggle, but when people are really trying, they'll eventually get to where they want to be.

    I know this isn't where you want him to be. I know as a mother it is devastating. But, no amount of you wanting his life to be different is going to make it so. He is the only one who can change it.

    In the past, others have posted the link to the thread with "detachment" responses for when adult difficult child's call. I think you should print it out. Keep a copy by the phone. Keep a copy on your nightstand and one on your bathroom mirror and practice using them.

    I don't think anyone can second-guess themselves and carry as much guilt as a mother. But, I think you can go to bed at night and feel like you have done everything humanly possible to help your son. Now it's on him.

    Stay strong.

  14. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I'm glad you took your daughter and sister in law some soup instead of wasting time trying to find difficult child. You still got to feel good about doing something useful, and successfully destracted yourself from difficult child's drama. Destraction can be a good tool for us parents too. lol

  15. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Thanks all. Midwest Mom - i really think you are lucky that your daughter turned her life around - i hope I still have hope for mine. I know that nothing I can do will help. I think I have helped too much. I sure hope he is safe somewhere. I have to get some sleep! I cant face 25 kindergartners already pooped!
  16. ML

    ML Guest

    You're doing great Stands. Just keep doing the next right thing. Love, ML
  17. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

  18. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Yes, MWM is lucky her dtr turned her life around but even if she didn't, MWM would still be okay. She didn't stop her life to wait for her dtr to change, she could only hope someday she would and go on living anyway.
  19. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    Really proud of you Susan! STAY Detached. 12-Step Group & prayer are excellent support system!! I agree with the others who've said your difficult child is most likely right back at the other house safe & sound and giving one whit that you may be worried about him.

  20. judi

    judi Active Member

    Detachment is never a pretty sight either in my humble opinion. I too have a son who I don't know where he is - haven't seen him in almost a year! Still love him to death, will always welcome him (if he follows the rules), but can't save him.

    Since our son has been out of our house for over 2 years now, I can honestly say I don't miss the late night calls, the police at our door, the broken doors, holes in the walls, the screaming and carrying on that went on.

    That doesn't mean I don't love my son, worry about him daily, or don't want contact with him. However, I do like the peace and quiet too.

    I think you are doing the right thing - it will get easier. The only person you can work on is you.