Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by PatriotsGirl, Oct 26, 2010.

  1. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    difficult child managed to get kicked out of Nana's house last night. Apparently difficult child was trying to argue something that she knows nothing about. It turned into a screaming match between Nana and difficult child. Nana finally had enough and told her to pack her things and leave.
    I get a phone call from a concerned stranger that saw difficult child standing outside with her suitcase and dog waiting for her cousin to pick her up. She wanted to know what kind of mother would throw this "child" out in the cold. Um, yeah, I then gave her a little summary of miss difficult child and explained she was thrown out because she was completely disrespectful to the very person providing for her.
    Of course, I pleaded with difficult child to go into a program and then come back home. It seems so simple! What does she have to lose?? Nothing. It is so frustrating. Now she is staying at her cousin's place but it will not be permanent. My neice's boyfriend is a major hothead and I can very much see difficult child getting involved in one of their arguments and that is all it will take.
    So while I am very disappointed and frustrated, I am not willing to sway one bit. Treatment or figure it out. husband actually mentioned about her coming back to Georgia. Makes no sense. He agrees she cannot live here until she has gotten treatment. So why are we going to bring her down here to be homeless and have access to everything she had here???? She would be homeless in either state. At least up there she is surrounded by family. There are a few options for her at least to have a place to stay. Here, we would be bringing her back and handing her to the snake pit! Why would we do that?? I am holding firm that I want her in treatment. Period. Eventually you would think she would tire of this and submit??

    What would you do?
  2. Farmwife

    Farmwife Member

    Pardon me if I am wrong but didn't she beg and plead on her facebook page that she wanted to be saved to come back home to your state?

    Me thinks that cheesing off granny is a fantastic way to self sabotage and manipulate her way back home.

    If she is 17 she may be a minor but certainly is not a kid. A natural consequence of her behavior is to have to be accountable. Saving her just reinforces her negative behavior.

    I see 3 options;

    Sort it out (what she's doing now)
    Get treatment (what will prevent her from being homeless, she has a choice, homeless in her case is a choice)
    Apologize to granny and make nicey;) (the only other way to sort things out without treatment, pay the piper)

    Around my house one thing we enforce strictly is "A tantrum or irrational outburst is an immediate NO to whatever it is difficult child wanted." I refuse to enable or encourage his antics. He only gets his way when he is going along with the program.

    If you "fall for" her damsel in distress game you may as well have never sent her away, you may get sucked right back in. If you don't keep firm boundaries she will likely use it against you, difficult child's are great for that!

    Personally I would change my locks, give her numbers to animal rescues for her pooch and then let the treatment center pick her up from a bus station or wherever she's at. If she steps one foot in your door without treatment she would have won and you can bet won't follow through. that week or month wait for a bed will turn into forever and a list of excuses with behaviors in the meantime.

    by the way, there are plenty of womens shelters, sleeping on the street is a choice.
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2010
  3. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Farmwife - I think you hit the nail on the head there. She did beg on Facebook. She even called me and asked me to bring her back to Georgia when we go up to Massachusetts next month. She "claims" yet again that she doesn't want to live here in our home. She supposedly has a friend that says she can stay there. Uh yeah, heard that one before and I ended up picking her up at a drug house strung out. I am not helping her get back down here and go right back to drugs. She can't live here so really, what other option would she have? Seems so ridiculous to me that he even had that thought. He said it was better than her being up there and having no one. But she has every one up there - all of our family is up there - both sides! All she has down here is us (which not once has she said that she missed us or wanted to come back here to be a part of this family) and drugs.

    I am going to my first Al Anon meeting at 11 today. I am SO looking forward to it.
  4. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    PatriotsGirl - You are doing great - I know the daily heartache you are feeling over this and how hard it is to make the decision to not let her come back. I hope that she can find it in herself to accept the treatment route. She really needs to go further - her rock bottom is so deep but until she gives up on this lifestyle and admits she is messing up, she will be unable to ask how to help herself. Her strong will is telling her that you will rescue her before she has to take the responsibility of her own life seriously. It is so hard to watch in any person but especially your own child. She still has not recognized that SHE has to take control - no one can do it for her. Hang tight Warrior Mom - you have great strategies set up.
  5. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Wow, you are amazing. I'm so proud of your Warrior Mom strength! Good for you. I agree with everything farmwife said. Enjoy your meeting and stick to your plan. Hugs~
  6. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Thank you all so much for your support!!
    I just really feel at this point, I have no other choice. I just think back on the paraphenalia I found strewn about her bedroom and I think about what probably happened in my home when I was not here and I just shudder. I just can't have that in my home.
    She has a perfect situation right now if she can make it work. Her cousin and cousin's boyfriend have two small children and an extra bedroom. They have a hard time making ends meet, and if difficult child can get a job and help out I am sure it could work out for her there. We could even put her furniture in the truck and bring it up with us. She would have her own room on her own. But, it's up to her.
    I didn't cause this, I can't control it and I cannot cure it. Only she can.
  7. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Well, nothing like getting a call from a complete stranger to discuss your "child". Made me miss my Al Anon meeting, too. :<

    This neighbor of my mother's called me to discuss difficult child. Said he almost had her easy child'd last night because she is only 17. I gave him the rundown of the situation. She of course, blamed everything on her real dad being dead (um, she has never even met the man) and her "stepdad" doesn't like her and other sob stories. OMG. I am fuming right now. Once I told this man the truth about difficult child and what life is like with difficult child and how difficult child has a perfectly wonderful home life here and could have again if she would only go to treatment, he stopped feeling bad for her. He admitted to me that she had an attitude problem. Um duh.

    He must have called her and told her he talked to me. She just called me and yelled at me for talking to this guy about her! I asked what is wrong? Afraid if I tell the truth no one will feel bad for you anymore? I told her the problem is that she is a drug addict and blames all of her issues on everything but the real reason - drugs. She then called and told me I am an "f"ing b, stay the h out of her life, disconnect her phone, and go away. Guess she didn't want to hear the truth. Not sure if I am ready to disconnect the phone, though. It does let me know she is alive. But after all of that, I am thinking it would give her another dose of reality. What do you think?
  8. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Keep that line of communication open.

    I just had a HUGE blow out with Diva a few weeks ago. She was so angry with me - doesn't want to hear that I do not support something she is doing. She had so casually mentioned it and when I told her it was wrong started turning on that lovely "f" word and saying she would not show up at a family get together. I asked her how about a trip the two of us are planning in Nov? "We will see if you stop being "B"y by then." "Oh, if you don't show up for the family reunion I am pretty sure I will still be "B"y by then.

    Someone told me that she wants so much to please me that she gets angry when I don't support something she does. She knows my stance on that and I will never give my blessing. My friend told me that she would not have blown up if my opinion wasn't that important to her. She showed up at the family reunion and we have had a few pleasant words between us.

    You difficult child wants you to say that what she is doing is o.k. She has to come to the realization that if she wants your blessings than she has to do things you believe are best. We all know none of us can make our kids do what is best for them, if we could, they wouldn't be where they are following their own choices.

    You say you have no choice but you do. You just know the healthiest choice is not always the easiest for your heart but if someday she will pick up on that choice, everyone's heartaches will heal. The other options are choices but you know they are the wrong ones. You have chosen the right option and are sticking to it.
  9. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I think I would be inclined to keep the phone going only for the mere fact that I know she's alive. But boy, I would be tempted to call her bluff and disconnect it right this minute!

    Wow, she's got a ways to go in regards to realizing her personal reality. I'm sorry. I just can't stand 17 year olds - I personally think they are the worst.
  10. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    She texted that she was sorry. She is still trying to find a way back to this state. Ugh. Stupid, stupid, stupid! So frustrating. Nothing is getting through to this girl.
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I think that you need to stop answering the phone 30 min before you need to leave for a meeting. period. If it really matters they will leave a message. NOTHING that goes on with your daughter is so urgent that it cannot wait a couple of hours. She has people there who can give consent for medical care. You cannot deal with the police and strangers who have opinions on your daughter will still have them after your meeting. If it is about the family who live in your home, take the call. You can always call them back after your meeting.

    The meetings should be given the same priority that church and/or a doctor appointment would happen. At least for a while. Because the meetings are both - they will help you learn to heal your spirit AND your body. Learning how to live via the tenets of alanon/narcanon/AA will do as much for your physical health as many doctor visits. If you can put them into that place, maybe even see them as a doctor appointment for your younger children because you will be learning how to break the cycle of addiction in your family and this will greatly aid your other childrens health in every way. It wasn't until I put meetings into this type of priority that I stopped missing them for various reasons. So maybe it will help you

    Bringing her back to your state is a wonderful way to hurt your daughter. Maybe if you can explain this to your husband it will help HIM to not give in to her. Has he seen the drug house with his own two eyes, or did you pull her out of there yourself? Take him there and let him SEE what she was doing. It lacks reality if you don't see it, in my opinion. I think your husband may hear "drug addict" and "strung out" but he doesn't really grasp in on a meaningful level. I am not sure it is really possible to grasp what goes on in drug houses, or that your child/bro/parent/etc... is actually living that way. in my opinion if he can SEE the place, esp inside it, he may be far more supportive of you and of what she truly NEEDS.

    I think the fight with gma was engineered to get her thrown out so that you would "HAVE TO" bring her back to your state. If you bring her back you will be teaching her that if she doesn't like something she can have a tantrum and get out of it. Just like when she was a toddler and wanted you to carry her instead of walking. She (any child) would sit down and wail to get you to carry her. The more you gave in the less she walked or crawled on her own.

    You cannot force her to be sober, or go to treatment, or do much of anything. You CAN make her deal with her own choices by not rescuing her. It is the best thing you can do, in my opinion. Esp as sure as you sound that if you bring her home she will go back to the drug using strung out call mom when she gets hungry life. She doesn't need to be in Georgia to find that life - so why waste the money/effort/emotional payment to let her do that close to you??

    Sooner or later the strangers will stop helping, stop buying her act. Esp if you keep being up front with them. You don't really HAVE to talk with these people. Not if it upsets you or brings too much drama to your life. They will wise up to her eventually.

    I am so sorry that you have to endure this. PLEASE find meetings that work with your schedule. Make them a priority. 7 in 7 and 30 in 30 are great goals. They will let you know when/where support is every day, and will let you take enough time with each group to figure out which ones work best for you.

    Many many hugs.
  12. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Susiestar, he didn't see this place. I didn't even see the inside. It was bad enough on the outside! He sees how she looks when she comes home. He has seen her at her worst. I think it was just a temporary vision of her being homeless up there and a temporary feeling of sadness. We need to strengthen the other when one of is waivering. No good will come from her being here. I did tell her that if she finds a way down here, do not call me strung out wanting to pick you up unless you are ready to go straight to rehab. I do not wish to have that vision of her in my head ever again. It gives me nightmares.

    I will make it to that meeting!!!! Sad thing is I only found two meetings in my area - one on Monday nights and another on Tuesday mornings. Now I will have to wait until Monday night.
  13. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I find it odd that this "stranger" knew to call you in the first place.

    Did he approach difficult child? Or did she go looking for someone to make that "you're a horrible parent" call.

    You are doing amazing. As hard as it is, stick to it. And watch the phone bill online so she doesn't go "getting you back" with a million dollars in cell charges...its not unheard of to buy stuff on your phone account...
  14. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Shari, you said what I was about to say. Daughter shrieks, "How dare you talk about me to a stranger?" but that stranger knew to call? How? And how did that stranger know so much about YOU and your family? Someone had been talking about YOU, making accusations about YOU which you felt obliged to defend.

    Stick to your guns. Do not let her emotionally blackmail you. And if you have to fight dirty with husband, remind him that he is only the stepdad (according to what the neighbour said in his call, anyway).

  15. Farmwife

    Farmwife Member

    Old state, old friends, old habits. Addicts don't do well in new territory because getting a "hook up" is harder. Staying clean in an old home town without a new circle of friends or support system is a sure fire way to get strung out. Just ask at your next al anon meeting...

    She is 17 now, youg enough to save from a life of the fall out after a drug related felony as an adult, IYKWIM. The sooner she hits rock bottom the sooner she can emerge into adulthood ready to move forward. If someone saves her now she will have wasted more time, gotten into party mode one more time ect. I am no expert, though I have seen a lot in life, but the more she flip flops back and forth from sobriety to being dirty the harder it gets to stay that way long term.

    A good solid push and dedication to a new life is essential, she can't recover for you. She has to want to get better otherwise it is just going through the motions and won't stick. Doesn't sound like she is ready for that yet, she never will be unless you let her crash and burn. It is a very frightening thing, heart wrenching to watch. I feel for you. You can't protect her from herself.

    Meth is a nasty one, real nasty. I wish I could offer hope. People do recover, I have seen it but not all do, some never come back. It also takes a long time to get there. The path to rock bottom is a horror story, things you just wouldn't want to know...it isn't pretty. I was the only one in a circle of friends who didn't try it and saw a lot of sad stories unfold. I'm sorry it has to be that way. Your baby is going to have a real rough ride, it isn't your fault.

    I highly suggest al anon and maybe counseling. Mourning the loss of a loved one to drugs is very slow and painful. The decline is very graphic, brutal and can take years. You are going to need a lot of support as she comes to certain conclusions in life. I don't want to be mean or overly dramatic. Sadly, I really do know what I am talking about in this subject. I am so so sorry.

    Even if you keep the cell phone on it may not always be reliable. Depending on how bad she may get she may trade it for a fix or just stop answering your calls once she gets to a certain stage. Sometimes guilt and emotional distance keeps users from wanting to talk to family, they don't like people seeing what they look like or how they live.

    Is there any way to get an intervention or lock her up in rehab before she hits 18?