Uncertain future but handling things......

Star*

call 911........call 911
Nothing........in my entire life was EVER bettered, fixed or improved by worrying. Lots of things in my life were bettered, fixed and improved by prayer.

I shall continue to do the latter for you - constantly.
 
Lisa,

I've been thinking of you and keeping you and your family in my prayers. I'm glad that you're thinking of all the good times, hoping those memories will continue to be a source of comfort for you... I smiled too over the hand holding... He'll always be with you...

I also believe that Molly is probably grieving. When one of our cats died, our dog wouldn't eat and continued to nap in her usual spot, right behind where the cat used to nap. It was over a year before our dog would nap in what used to be the cat's spot. I love the idea of giving Molly an old tee shirt of his. When we boarded our dog, we gave her one of my old tees and we were told she slept on it every night.

Many hugs... SFR
 

Hound dog

Nana's are Beautiful
Well, I'm certainly going through the proper stages of grief, sometimes all at once, but mostly like a roller coaster, one will hit then switch off with another then back again so I often feel like I have emotional whiplash. Only thing I can compare it to is when I lost my grandma......it was as if my whole universe collapsed in on itself, my whole life centered around her, I just didn't have a clue how to function without her in it. With husband, it is similar, but worse as I have so many many other things I have to do and deal with as well.

I've decided husband was the King of procrastinators. Somehow he managed not to pay either 2008 and 2010 city taxes and school taxes......so he paid 2009?? but it didn't occur to him to pay or file 2008?? The not paying I could chalk up to not having the money. The not filing I don't understand as husband was anal when it came to taxes. It's not helping that we're finding paperwork in the most ridiculous places. sister in law cleaned out husband's kia so he can start fixing it to sell in order to get a somewhat decent price, his mom is wanting to buy it for his little bro and his wife. What does he find? Paperwork for not filing 2008, a w2 or two, and some other odds and end things. Including a car insurance notice of cancellation he never bothered to open. We have a whole stack for poor Travis......looks like we know where the poor kid's student loan refunds will be going until it's all paid.

Finally all of the monthly bills are paid up to current. That alone was a mess as they were scattered everywhere and it was impossible to tell those of which he'd paid and not paid.

I'm so angry with him over his chaotic non organization of important paperwork, I have to be careful or my blood pressure goes through the roof. I'm so furious over this tax thing..... I mean, ok, I totally get that some bills you just can't pay when the money isn't there so they have to be put aside. You can't get money out of a stone. But taxes?? OMG You don't do that with taxes anymore than you do that with the house payment! I can't believe he's done this with the taxes. And at some point I'm going to have to get Travis into his laptop and have him print out all the tax information he has on it because it's been done via computer for years. Because he was always so darn anal about taxes, and since when it's done via computer there is no reason for me to sign it, I never double checked them....like an idiot (obvious now how stupid that was) I assumed he was handling it.

It may sound somewhat crass, but I feel like I got left holding the bag.

So please make sure that if you're not the one who handles the bills ect, that you at least know where they're kept, what is and isn't paid and why, and that you're on every single bank acct. Nichole is correcting that with her and her husband on her way down here tomorrow.

Then I feel horrible so being so angry with him over the paperwork. And I'm angry at myself for not attempting to take over the job again once I was out of school.....but by then he was just getting the unemployment and SS and I didn't have access to either acct to pay the bills, so yeah. But from doing this paperwork, I'm not so sure I could've done much worse.

:sigh:

I miss him so much it hurts physically. And I have got to get his things out of here or put up because every time I see something of his.....especially an article of clothing or something, it's like having someone kick my legs out from under me. Yet as I bag his stuff, it makes me feel guilty, like I'm trying to wipe away his existence simply because I can't deal with it. I keep waiting for him to fuss at one of the dogs or Bruce. I've been avoiding the livingroom because every time I step in there I expect him to be sitting in his chair, and silly as it sounds, when he's not my heart drops through the floor and it hits me again.

I have guilt over the 3 days he was having symptoms of the heart attack and I didn't take him to the ER. I should've taken him, even if it was the GI and not the heart, I should've taken him. If I'd gotten him seen sooner maybe his heart wouldn't have been so severely damaged. Dammit, I'm a nurse, of all people I should've known better. To hell with the cost, the no insurance and all the rest, I should've taken him. I feel so bad I didn't spend more time with him once he came home. I keep thinking about all his symptoms once he came home from the hospital........and I think the dizziness and extreme fatigue should've tipped me off. I could've at least had him checked. And yeah I did check his discharge instructions and they said that nearly everything he had was "normal", I keep thinking that I should've known. But I swear that I had no red flag go up. Maybe it was because I was in denial about how really bad off he was, but I didn't get so much as a flitter. I was concerned about the excessive sleeping but when I checked the paperwork, it said it was normal and that he should rest whenever he got tired, which went with what they told me after mine. easy child even came over once to check his heart again to see if he'd went back into atrial fib again and nothing clicked with her. Only thing that stood out was how difficult it was to hear his heartbeat with her special cardiac stethoscope (which is more sensitive than the normal ones). But his color was good and he had no real complaints except the unusual arm thing.

And then there is the part of me that has a strong feeling the cardiologist knew that he didn't have long and let him come home to pass with family.

easy child and I both have guilt for not seeing him more at the hospital. I should've have just camped out at his bedside, they had a place for me to sleep. But I kept my head firmly planted in the sands of denial.....even when he was acting totally out of character at the hospital. And we should've been there when he was discharged instead of having Nichole bring him home, easy child and I know what questions to ask ect, and poor Nichole had her hands full with Aubrey and Oliver......and believed husband when he told her that they didn't have his medications at the hospital pharmacy and that for the 2 they did have he'd have had to wait more than an hour in the heat. (I found that paperwork last night, they were providing all medications except the bidil, which we got for him at walmart, so he had no reason to go without any.......except that he evidently was not all quite right in the head)

That I was so far in denial over his physical condition really upsets me. I'm not a stick your head in the sand sort of person by a long shot. But in hindsight that is obviously what I was doing because while I could repeat what the docs told us.......I just really didn't grasp what it meant in any real sense.

I know that hindsight is 20/20 and I'm only human, as is easy child, and we couldn't have known what the future held........intellectually I know all that. I know that even had I taken him in the first day he had symptoms that the end result could've have easily been the same, or worse, with long drawn out suffering involved. I know that if I took him back to the ER after he came home with his symptoms, they really wouldn't have been able to do anything..........And yet the guilt is still there because my heart doesn't want to listen to my head right now.

I just keep thinking that this is not the way it was supposed to be. What happened to those years that were supposed to be our golden years? I feel so cheated out of that.

So I guess I'm not handling things so well after all.

Poor easy child, she's had to handle all the paperwork. And she's been my buffer to some degree against the world as well as Nichole. Travis checks on me often. And I think how unfair that is because they're hurting too and feeling much of what I'm feeling. But we do talk often and none of us are afraid to talk about what we're feeling with each other, except perhaps katie, but even she's opened up some. My sis calls me every night. My poor mom doesn't know what to do so she keeps trying to give me money, which I keep telling her to keep as it's not going to help at this point. easy child's husband has been like a son, he can't help me enough. I feel bad because right at this moment he's out mowing my yard and he has to go to work in a half hour. I know it's therapeutic for them to help and it actually helps them. I've done it for enough people over the years. But still....

At least I supposed I can do the cleaning. Progress is slow, I keep going off on tangents then forgetting what I was doing......then come upon it later and can't remember having started the task. The cleaning helps me not have to think, which right now is a very good thing.

I worry about easy child, though. husband frustrated her to no end most of the time, and after a while, while she always treated him with respect and kindness ect......she drifted away from him, even convinced herself she didn't like him very much. She told me yesterday that she felt terrible that it took losing him for her to realize just how much she does love him.

I know this is normal, all of it. Lord knows I've dealt with grief enough over the years to know. It does help having somewhere to express it though...on a different level than what I do with the kids. And I thank you all for listening.
 

AnnieO

Shooting from the Hip
Sweetheart...

Logically, you know it was not your fault. Emotionally, you will wonder. I can't and won't tell you not to. What I will tell you is... It's normal.

easy child might not have liked him very much sometimes... But she loved him. I don't like my daughter - but I love her - and I tell her. Up to her whether she accepts it or not.

If there are penalties for the taxes, please know you can file an injured spouse claim. It may not make the amounts due go away, but it will help with the amounts of any penalties. (And... If anything had happened to me... husband would've brought me back just to take me out. I mailed our 2010 and 2009 taxes just a few days ago...)

Don't feel bad - for feeling bad. Anger, fear, sadness - it's all part of the grieving process. That's why Stang and I are coming down tomorrow afternoon - to help with whatever you need. Anything.at.all.
 

InsaneCdn

Well-Known Member
Lisa -
The kids wanting to help and checking on you and so on? Take it with a smile, not guilt. Its not because of what you have done for thenm over the years. This is part of THEIR coping and they need it more than you do. So... let them, for their sake. Its just one more way for you to keep on doing what you've always done... looking out for them.

The 20/20 hindsight? Well, its normal. Keep whacking it over the head with logic. Its part of the process.

We're here with our hearts in our ears... most of us can't do much, but we can listen... 24/7.
{{hyugs}}
 

TerryJ2

Well-Known Member
Oh, Lisa.
I love the hand holding part.
I'm sorry for Katie, not being able to connect after all those yrs, but your explanation made perfect sense. Those things happen.
Molly could be grieving, or she could have an infection. Obviously, you're keeping an eye on it.
You certainly have your plate full! But you are getting things done and doing remarkably well, despite talking in your sleep. I'm thinking that's stress, and your mind workingworkingworking, as others pointed out. This too, shall pass.
{{hugs}}
 
L

Liahona

Guest
:consoling: I'm sorry I don't have anything better to say than I think of you often. You are in my prayers.
 

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
Lisa...still keeping you close. I got to thinking about something today and I have no idea if it would work or not but...just thinking. I cant go out there just because of so much I have got going on right now but I was thinking maybe you might get slowed down here eventually and have time to maybe come visit a few of us That live within say driving distance of my house. I could get you out here on one of those cheapie flights and then you could stay with me since you know me so well.
 

flutterby

Fly away!
Lisa, I don't think it was denial so much as you're a fixer. You focused on what needed to be done to help husband get better.

You're in my thoughts.
 

susiestar

Roll With It
What you are feeling and thinking is all normal. Let the kids and even your mom help as much as they want to - even if it is just giving you cash. It is a way to help them through grief, even as they are hoping to help you.

Many (((((hugs)))))

Please, please, please let Step and Stang help - with anything, let us know here if you need anything, and do what is needed to care for yourself in every way.
 

timer lady

Queen of Hearts
Lisa, sweetie. I felt so many of the emotions you're feeling right now. Please, please, please, do not take husband's belongings too far away too soon. In a few months you may want feel close to him. Put them in a storage container if you need to ~ it's just too soon for removing that part of your husband.

It's amazing how much I could hold onto my husband thru his jackets ~ I could still smell him.

Do you remember how angry I was? I couldn't find passwords, paperwork, etc after my husband died ~ I was livid. Mostly I was hurt that husband didn't confide those things to me.

When you are ready there are a couple of books I might recommend. I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye is an exceptional read & it's helped me immensely. The other book is called The Death of a Husband. This book hit home for me ~ allowed me to cry, to help me thru the anger.

Sweetie, you & yours are in my prayers. All those emotions will strike you time & again. I'm almost 3 years out & I feel so lost many days. I feel angry others & just plain sad. There is no real pattern to grief nor is there a time line.

If you need to talk, sweetie, pm me your number & I'll give you a call.
 

DDD

Well-Known Member
You are in the first stages of greiving and everything you expressed is normal. The "I should have's". the "he should have's" the "why didn't I's" and the "why didn't he's" The disappointment and fear that exists if also "real". Sadly there is no fast forward to get past the emotions you are experiencing but history proves that time will lessen your pain.

Each of us feels differently about a sudden death but I believe it was a blessing that he went quickly in the comfort of his own home. There was no prolonged pain, no multiple trips in and out of the hospital and no excess triggers for his anxiety. My Dad passed unexpectedly and quickly. It has always been a comfort to me to know that he left quickly and with dignity. I hope in the long run you will be able to look back and feel grateful he was spared more trauma.

Most of all I remain steadfast in my support and like the others are thinking of you daily. Hugs DDD
 

InsaneCdn

Well-Known Member
Lisa -
If you log in tonight and see this, please know that I'm sending you a virtual "spoiling-you" tuck-in tonight, complete with a nice (virtual) back rub, if you like those...

You're in our thoughts, as usual.
 

TerryJ2

Well-Known Member
I miss him so much it hurts physically. And I have got to get his things out of here or put up because every time I see something of his.....especially an article of clothing or something, it's like having someone kick my legs out from under me. Yet as I bag his stuff, it makes me feel guilty, like I'm trying to wipe away his existence simply because I can't deal with it. I keep waiting for him to fuss at one of the dogs or Bruce. I've been avoiding the livingroom because every time I step in there I expect him to be sitting in his chair, and silly as it sounds, when he's not my heart drops through the floor and it hits me again.

I have guilt over the 3 days he was having symptoms of the heart attack and I didn't take him to the ER.

Yes, yes, yes. Normal, normal, normal. But, oh, it was so hard to read your note, I cannot imagine how hard it is to live through it all.

by the way, having gone through my cousin's taxes--and finding her 5 yrs behind on state and fed income tax--I know what you're going through. Do NOT let your blood pressure go up. Turn yourself into a robot. Expect to be fined, but be certain to write a note or include an obit with-every filing you do, so that the person who handles that filing will know. Sometimes they give you a break and won't fine you.

Oh, my gut is hurting just from reading your note. I SO know what you are feeling. And I've not had to go through this with-my husband, but other family members, so I know it's intensified for you.

Many many hugs.
 

Hound dog

Nana's are Beautiful
Linda, there are certain things I'm holding on to, even though at the moment it's really hard to do so. Simply because I know I may feel the need to have them later. But the bulk is being bagged up to be donated, and it will probably take a while to get it there. And yeah, we're having password issues as well. We can't delete his fb acct because no one knows the password. We can't get into his email, again, no one knows the passwords. I've tried everything I could think of that he'd use, and nope. We tried the password questions for forgotten passwords......and answers I know should be correct aren't so even that isn't working.

The visit with Stang and Step was nice and they delivered board family cards and I thank you for them. Actually they left just a short while ago. And I got to talk to Star via phone too which was an added bonus. I found I could talk about certain things a little easier. They brought me a framed photo of husband and I that I will treasure always.

I'd have been able to say today was a fairly good day, except Katie has decided this has got to be all about her now. I think I may have mentioned it in PE or not, I can't remember, but last week Nichole told katie off in a huge way over absolutely everything. I didn't think a lot about it when she told me about it, because I've said the same things to her (more tactfully) myself several times. Then today I asked katie if she wanted to go up with easy child and I to pay for the plot so she could see her grandparents graves separate from the memorial. Next thing I know I've got a long mail about how she really didn't want to say anything or drag me into it but Nichole was mad at her, then proceded to tell me everything with a few embellishments added in, and she didn't think she was welcome in Nichole's home. Which ticked me off because you don't tell someone you don't want to drag them into something, and then do exactly that, and a completely inappropriate time. She could've said her and Nichole had had a tiff and did I think it would be uncomfortable or something. But no, just a long whine basically about how mean Nichole had been. Nichole blasted her over M exposing himself that last time as well as a ton of other things. Katie made the mistake of telling me that she knew he hadn't........well, so I told her that I'd actually printed out the page in case the issue had come up and she needed to see it to believe it. But yeah. She's all maybe she shouldn't come to the service because Nichole is mad at her. I pointed out to her, Nichole basically said the same as I've already told her, that we get frustrated because we happen to care about her and that's what family's do. That you can be mad at someone and still manage to love and care for them. sheesh

I still haven't received an answer about monday. Nor will I ask again. And she's not told me if she's going to the memorial or not. If she is, since she'll be riding with me, she'll be going to Nichole's whether she likes it or not. And at this point, I really could care less whether she goes or not, that's up to her.

I had to stop Nichole from blasting her a second time today for sending me that mail as it was. But I have a strong suspicion that katie will be blasted by both her sisters come next saturday.

Heaven forbid we could get through this without gfgdom rearing it's head, I swear.
 
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