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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 653311" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Lil, our our inner chaos will not change until we change. This is true on so many levels in so many areas of life. It doesn't matter if all you want is for him to be your idea of socially normal. Until you accept that this won't be so, you won't find peace. Honestly, before my small set back, I was about there...accepting what I can not change and being very peaceful and I know that's the key to peace in every facet of life. We need to stop caring about what others think and change our expectations.</p><p></p><p>I wish I had a normal, loving family, not one my therapist claims is as dysfunctional as a family can be...that even kids who are raped find more compassion for their parents than my family finds...that there is no compassion at all in my family for mental illness, for mistakes, for anything. But wishes are for little kids and we are adults. I know you believe in God and so do I. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. You'll see that this is true in time.</p><p></p><p>It is w hat it is. You can make this change. Those of us who have lived years wanting things to change who are doing well now have learned that the secret is not for others to change, no matter who they are, but for us to radically accept that they will not and to embrace what is.</p><p></p><p>Until we do, there will be no peace. After being so hurt about what (ok it's not my kid) but what Sis and Bro were doing...reading my posts (and they still may be) and making fun of them...I found the answer in just accepting that this is them and that it is what it is. I have had a very peaceful, serene night knowing that the sun will come up tomorrow even regardless of what others do or think. When I can meditate and ignore the drama and, in fact, just accept, I am so good. Life is so different for me. When I have my slip ups, as we all do, where I am wishing this or that or he or she would change...I am sad and flustered.</p><p></p><p>Tonight I chose peace and detachment. You can too. The change has to come from within us, not outside of us as we have no control over that. I hope you can just go with the flow, as I am doing now (after not doing it for a few days). It is like living a different life...one that is beautiful vs. one that depends on others to make me happy and serene.</p><p></p><p>Radical acceptance is the answer. Hear his words. Do not take them personally. What he thinks and feels or SAYS he thinks and feels do not pertain to you. You can still have a nice night out with your son if you don't judge him. And if you feel it is not good for you to go, then choose yourself. Whatever happens will not end your lives.</p><p></p><p>This was a good time for me to give advice (for whatever you feel it is worth...it is your decision to take it or to discard it as you too are an adult who makes her own choices). I am loving this peace so much more than when my inner self was lamenting why I can't have normal siblings who don't read my posts and laugh at my reality because they are supposed to be mature and could have more compassion. Could, could, should, should. Toxic words to us. Who cares if others think differently than us? Who even cares if they ridicule us? It says more about them than us.</p><p></p><p>Acceptance is the answer. Detachment emotionally is necessary. Your son is young and at your son's age I never dreamed my son, who was in the throes of mental illness that inherited from our DNA (and that most people don't understand), would be where he is today. I am so proud of him. I am so glad I went and saw the mature young man who is such a good father. The loving, son who I love with all my heart and soul.</p><p></p><p>Accept today as it is. One day at a time. One minute at a time.</p><p></p><p>We can only change ourselves and accept others. Tonight I choose to accept my siblings s they are and stop fighting the siblings I wish they could be and the reality of life that had happened with my mother...and I sure feel a lot happier than when I am fighting what already happened in the past and what is happening now. Seriously.</p><p></p><p>Everyone does and feels what they do, including you and me.</p><p></p><p>And embracing the truth is the only way I have gone from a very high strung, miserable, door mat in my 20's and 30's to the mostly stable, content person I am today. Like all addicts, used to drama, we will have slip ups, but we can get back on track.But we have to think in the moment, think of ourselves and our own reality, and accept the way others are, even if we don't like it.</p><p></p><p>Hugs a nd hoping you find the peace and serenity that I lost for a few days, but that has come back. I invite you to join me in radical acceptance and in the incredible peace of knowing that we are who we are and others are what they are. And just accept that this is so.</p><p></p><p>"Briefly, <strong>radical acceptance</strong> just means that you acknowledge reality for what it is. If you accept the reality of the situation, you can stop dwelling on situations you have no control over (and even those you do) and move on with your life."</p><p></p><p>Big hugs!!!! <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 653311, member: 1550"] Lil, our our inner chaos will not change until we change. This is true on so many levels in so many areas of life. It doesn't matter if all you want is for him to be your idea of socially normal. Until you accept that this won't be so, you won't find peace. Honestly, before my small set back, I was about there...accepting what I can not change and being very peaceful and I know that's the key to peace in every facet of life. We need to stop caring about what others think and change our expectations. I wish I had a normal, loving family, not one my therapist claims is as dysfunctional as a family can be...that even kids who are raped find more compassion for their parents than my family finds...that there is no compassion at all in my family for mental illness, for mistakes, for anything. But wishes are for little kids and we are adults. I know you believe in God and so do I. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. You'll see that this is true in time. It is w hat it is. You can make this change. Those of us who have lived years wanting things to change who are doing well now have learned that the secret is not for others to change, no matter who they are, but for us to radically accept that they will not and to embrace what is. Until we do, there will be no peace. After being so hurt about what (ok it's not my kid) but what Sis and Bro were doing...reading my posts (and they still may be) and making fun of them...I found the answer in just accepting that this is them and that it is what it is. I have had a very peaceful, serene night knowing that the sun will come up tomorrow even regardless of what others do or think. When I can meditate and ignore the drama and, in fact, just accept, I am so good. Life is so different for me. When I have my slip ups, as we all do, where I am wishing this or that or he or she would change...I am sad and flustered. Tonight I chose peace and detachment. You can too. The change has to come from within us, not outside of us as we have no control over that. I hope you can just go with the flow, as I am doing now (after not doing it for a few days). It is like living a different life...one that is beautiful vs. one that depends on others to make me happy and serene. Radical acceptance is the answer. Hear his words. Do not take them personally. What he thinks and feels or SAYS he thinks and feels do not pertain to you. You can still have a nice night out with your son if you don't judge him. And if you feel it is not good for you to go, then choose yourself. Whatever happens will not end your lives. This was a good time for me to give advice (for whatever you feel it is worth...it is your decision to take it or to discard it as you too are an adult who makes her own choices). I am loving this peace so much more than when my inner self was lamenting why I can't have normal siblings who don't read my posts and laugh at my reality because they are supposed to be mature and could have more compassion. Could, could, should, should. Toxic words to us. Who cares if others think differently than us? Who even cares if they ridicule us? It says more about them than us. Acceptance is the answer. Detachment emotionally is necessary. Your son is young and at your son's age I never dreamed my son, who was in the throes of mental illness that inherited from our DNA (and that most people don't understand), would be where he is today. I am so proud of him. I am so glad I went and saw the mature young man who is such a good father. The loving, son who I love with all my heart and soul. Accept today as it is. One day at a time. One minute at a time. We can only change ourselves and accept others. Tonight I choose to accept my siblings s they are and stop fighting the siblings I wish they could be and the reality of life that had happened with my mother...and I sure feel a lot happier than when I am fighting what already happened in the past and what is happening now. Seriously. Everyone does and feels what they do, including you and me. And embracing the truth is the only way I have gone from a very high strung, miserable, door mat in my 20's and 30's to the mostly stable, content person I am today. Like all addicts, used to drama, we will have slip ups, but we can get back on track.But we have to think in the moment, think of ourselves and our own reality, and accept the way others are, even if we don't like it. Hugs a nd hoping you find the peace and serenity that I lost for a few days, but that has come back. I invite you to join me in radical acceptance and in the incredible peace of knowing that we are who we are and others are what they are. And just accept that this is so. "Briefly, [B]radical acceptance[/B] just means that you acknowledge reality for what it is. If you accept the reality of the situation, you can stop dwelling on situations you have no control over (and even those you do) and move on with your life." Big hugs!!!! :) [/QUOTE]
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