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Unconditional love
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<blockquote data-quote="Lil" data-source="post: 667713" data-attributes="member: 17309"><p>I think this applies to all our difficult kids, not just addicts...although mine may or may not fit that definition. But I do see that he expects unconditional love - the addicts definition. He has SAID as much...almost those very words...that if we didn't accept him EXACTLY as he was...not expecting him to change his ways in any form, that was not unconditional love. To him our showing that love was expecting nothing and giving and forgiving everything. What love did he show us? Disrespect and theft and lies are not love. </p><p> </p><p></p><p> </p><p>He never showed us that. Or at least, he stopped showing us that years ago.</p><p> </p><p></p><p>I see myself so much in this passage. My first marriage was brief - two years - and too long. I was as good a wife as I could be. I wanted to be married. I wanted to have what my parents had. Instead, with my alcoholic ex...I compromised, I accommodated, I enabled. I allowed him to dictate our lives, what I did, even, to some extent, where I worked. I made excuses for him. I remember coming home from work <em>ever day</em> with hope for a nice night...and <em>every day</em> being disappointed. I worked, he didn't. I enabled to the point of putting our son in daycare when he wasn't working! He actually left me, pretty much as soon as I put my foot down. I vowed to never be treated that way again. And I never have allowed it - except for by my son. </p><p> </p><p> Jabber is a wonderful, wonderful man. HE doesn't disappoint me. After 16 years, I can count the times he's hurt my feelings or let me down on one hand. I don't think I ever understood how much our son ruled our lives. Frequently, I find myself saying, <em>"Oh we love that - we haven't done it in years! Why? Our son didn't like it, so we didn't do it."</em> We compromised. He didn't like this and that...fine...we'd change enough to make him happy. We accommodated. From doing things he liked to do to cooking food we didn't even eat just for him...we accommodated. The rules bent and bent and bent - and became enabling.</p><p> </p><p>I didn't see it as wrong. I saw it as love. I saw my giving chance after chance after chance as just what a mother does. I saw it as hope: <em>This time, everything will be different. This time, he'll do things right. </em></p><p> </p><p>Sorry. I'm rambling. I had a dream early this morning that I got a text begging me to come get him...demanding I leave right that minute and come save him. I hate the dreams I have about him...when they are so vivid and I remember them so well, they often come true - at least in some fashion. So I'm a bit freaked out today.</p><p> </p><p>Recognizing that I have enabled him, doesn't make me not want to rescue him.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Lil, post: 667713, member: 17309"] I think this applies to all our difficult kids, not just addicts...although mine may or may not fit that definition. But I do see that he expects unconditional love - the addicts definition. He has SAID as much...almost those very words...that if we didn't accept him EXACTLY as he was...not expecting him to change his ways in any form, that was not unconditional love. To him our showing that love was expecting nothing and giving and forgiving everything. What love did he show us? Disrespect and theft and lies are not love. He never showed us that. Or at least, he stopped showing us that years ago. I see myself so much in this passage. My first marriage was brief - two years - and too long. I was as good a wife as I could be. I wanted to be married. I wanted to have what my parents had. Instead, with my alcoholic ex...I compromised, I accommodated, I enabled. I allowed him to dictate our lives, what I did, even, to some extent, where I worked. I made excuses for him. I remember coming home from work [I]ever day[/I] with hope for a nice night...and [I]every day[/I] being disappointed. I worked, he didn't. I enabled to the point of putting our son in daycare when he wasn't working! He actually left me, pretty much as soon as I put my foot down. I vowed to never be treated that way again. And I never have allowed it - except for by my son. Jabber is a wonderful, wonderful man. HE doesn't disappoint me. After 16 years, I can count the times he's hurt my feelings or let me down on one hand. I don't think I ever understood how much our son ruled our lives. Frequently, I find myself saying, [I]"Oh we love that - we haven't done it in years! Why? Our son didn't like it, so we didn't do it."[/I] We compromised. He didn't like this and that...fine...we'd change enough to make him happy. We accommodated. From doing things he liked to do to cooking food we didn't even eat just for him...we accommodated. The rules bent and bent and bent - and became enabling. I didn't see it as wrong. I saw it as love. I saw my giving chance after chance after chance as just what a mother does. I saw it as hope: [I]This time, everything will be different. This time, he'll do things right. [/I] Sorry. I'm rambling. I had a dream early this morning that I got a text begging me to come get him...demanding I leave right that minute and come save him. I hate the dreams I have about him...when they are so vivid and I remember them so well, they often come true - at least in some fashion. So I'm a bit freaked out today. Recognizing that I have enabled him, doesn't make me not want to rescue him. [/QUOTE]
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