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Unconditional love
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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 667760" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>My son brought this up once telling me that I didn't love him unconditionally. I asked him what he meant by that and he said "If you loved me unconditionally then you would help me out when I need it. You won't help me so that means you put conditions on loving me"</p><p>I told him that my loving him has nothing to do with helping him. I told him that I have never withheld my love for him, that I have loved him through all of the chaos he brought into our lives. I told him that people can love and be angry at the same time. He just could not grasp what I was saying.</p><p></p><p>I suppose I didn't help his thinking in this regard when I helped/enabled him for as long as I did then suddenly cut him off.</p><p></p><p>That blurry line between helping and enabling can be difficult to see. We help them because we love them, we don't want them to suffer but they grow to expect it and it's at that point that it becomes enabling.</p><p></p><p>I had a very good relationship with my mother and father(step). When I was diagnosed with cancer they moved in with us for three months while I went through surgery and treatments. It was all I could do to go to work each day. My mom took care of the cooking and cleaning so that I and my husband could focus on me getting well.</p><p>The time came for my parents to leave. My mother and I discussed it a couple of weeks before. We acknowledged to one another how hard it was going to be. She had settled into the role of taking care of her baby and I had settled into the role of the child needing to be taken care of. We had reached the point where the line between helping and enabling was blurring and we both saw it. The day they left we both cried, it was hard, but necessary. I was a 30 year old woman who felt 5 years old.</p><p></p><p>I think it must be like this for our Difficult Child that they revert to a child that just wants to be taken care of. The difference is, they for whatever reason are not accepting their own role as an adult. I think this is why they think we don't have unconditional love for them because again, they cannot see themselves as an adult. Of course when we try to direct them they snap back into "adult" mode saying they don't need us.</p><p></p><p>Yup, it's the craziest roller coaster ride of emotions to be on when dealing with a Difficult Child.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 667760, member: 18516"] My son brought this up once telling me that I didn't love him unconditionally. I asked him what he meant by that and he said "If you loved me unconditionally then you would help me out when I need it. You won't help me so that means you put conditions on loving me" I told him that my loving him has nothing to do with helping him. I told him that I have never withheld my love for him, that I have loved him through all of the chaos he brought into our lives. I told him that people can love and be angry at the same time. He just could not grasp what I was saying. I suppose I didn't help his thinking in this regard when I helped/enabled him for as long as I did then suddenly cut him off. That blurry line between helping and enabling can be difficult to see. We help them because we love them, we don't want them to suffer but they grow to expect it and it's at that point that it becomes enabling. I had a very good relationship with my mother and father(step). When I was diagnosed with cancer they moved in with us for three months while I went through surgery and treatments. It was all I could do to go to work each day. My mom took care of the cooking and cleaning so that I and my husband could focus on me getting well. The time came for my parents to leave. My mother and I discussed it a couple of weeks before. We acknowledged to one another how hard it was going to be. She had settled into the role of taking care of her baby and I had settled into the role of the child needing to be taken care of. We had reached the point where the line between helping and enabling was blurring and we both saw it. The day they left we both cried, it was hard, but necessary. I was a 30 year old woman who felt 5 years old. I think it must be like this for our Difficult Child that they revert to a child that just wants to be taken care of. The difference is, they for whatever reason are not accepting their own role as an adult. I think this is why they think we don't have unconditional love for them because again, they cannot see themselves as an adult. Of course when we try to direct them they snap back into "adult" mode saying they don't need us. Yup, it's the craziest roller coaster ride of emotions to be on when dealing with a Difficult Child. [/QUOTE]
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