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Unfeeling - normal or bad person?
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 676087" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi Hopeful97, welcome to the forum.</p><p></p><p>Looking back and looking at how I am feeling right now with Difficult Child, I have had different periods of feeling intensely about him and his situation(s), and then going numb...back and forth...depending on circumstances, for a long long time. Some of the intense feelings were deep grief, fear/terror, despair, shame, guilt, anger, frustration, impatience. The grieving lasted a long time, and slowly subsided over a long period of time. I would "go numb" for periods. It was an up and down cycle for years. He would be in jail, homeless, on drugs/high, and I would cycle up and down, but if I stand back and look at it all, the ups and downs got less intense and the peaks and valleys were still peaks and valleys but not so sharp. </p><p></p><p>The numb times were good for me, but they scared me too. I didn't know what they meant, and I didn't know what that meant I had become or turned into.</p><p></p><p>I think it is about survival. I have learned that all people do what they have to do to survive---that is a primal need---them and us. We adjust to survive. </p><p></p><p>I believe what you and I and the others on this forum go through is the deepest kind of fear and pain. I have lost a sibling and that was awful, but this was much much worse. It wasn't final, and it seemed go on and on and on for years. It DID go on for years. </p><p></p><p>Today, my peaks and valleys with him are still there but the hills are very gentle rolling hills. I can step back and have a bigger perspective about what is going on with him. My son is doing much better, but there are still pitfalls. He was recently diagnosed with Hepatitis C and has some medical problems that need attention and he has no health insurance. I am trying hard to stand back from that and allow him to do the work of truly becoming an adult which means dealing with the reality of his own decisions and experiencing the consequences of his past and current actions. That is still hard to do sometimes, but I have learned the hard hard way how necessary it is for him and for me. I have come to believe that standing back and allowing him to learn how to become an adult---giving him the space and time to do that---is the highest and best love I can offer him. </p><p></p><p>So...all that to say...I think you are experiencing the very real feelings that you need to experience today in order to survive. </p><p></p><p>And...feelings aren't facts. Feel your feelings, but don't feel like you have to act---do anything at all---due to them. Just let them come, flow through you, sit with them for hours or a day or two, let them come and then let them go...and see what happens next. Disconnect feelings from actions as much as you possibly can (this is a process). </p><p></p><p>Keep posting here as much as you would like. We get it and we care.</p><p></p><p>Hugs today!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 676087, member: 17542"] Hi Hopeful97, welcome to the forum. Looking back and looking at how I am feeling right now with Difficult Child, I have had different periods of feeling intensely about him and his situation(s), and then going numb...back and forth...depending on circumstances, for a long long time. Some of the intense feelings were deep grief, fear/terror, despair, shame, guilt, anger, frustration, impatience. The grieving lasted a long time, and slowly subsided over a long period of time. I would "go numb" for periods. It was an up and down cycle for years. He would be in jail, homeless, on drugs/high, and I would cycle up and down, but if I stand back and look at it all, the ups and downs got less intense and the peaks and valleys were still peaks and valleys but not so sharp. The numb times were good for me, but they scared me too. I didn't know what they meant, and I didn't know what that meant I had become or turned into. I think it is about survival. I have learned that all people do what they have to do to survive---that is a primal need---them and us. We adjust to survive. I believe what you and I and the others on this forum go through is the deepest kind of fear and pain. I have lost a sibling and that was awful, but this was much much worse. It wasn't final, and it seemed go on and on and on for years. It DID go on for years. Today, my peaks and valleys with him are still there but the hills are very gentle rolling hills. I can step back and have a bigger perspective about what is going on with him. My son is doing much better, but there are still pitfalls. He was recently diagnosed with Hepatitis C and has some medical problems that need attention and he has no health insurance. I am trying hard to stand back from that and allow him to do the work of truly becoming an adult which means dealing with the reality of his own decisions and experiencing the consequences of his past and current actions. That is still hard to do sometimes, but I have learned the hard hard way how necessary it is for him and for me. I have come to believe that standing back and allowing him to learn how to become an adult---giving him the space and time to do that---is the highest and best love I can offer him. So...all that to say...I think you are experiencing the very real feelings that you need to experience today in order to survive. And...feelings aren't facts. Feel your feelings, but don't feel like you have to act---do anything at all---due to them. Just let them come, flow through you, sit with them for hours or a day or two, let them come and then let them go...and see what happens next. Disconnect feelings from actions as much as you possibly can (this is a process). Keep posting here as much as you would like. We get it and we care. Hugs today! [/QUOTE]
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