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Unhooking from drama
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 652779" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Thanks COM, that was a really good article.</p><p></p><p>I worked with a therapist awhile back on my part in the drama triangle. She told me,as this article addresses, that in order to remove yourself from the triangle, you have to own that you are indeed, <em><u>all three roles,</u></em> not just the rescuer, but the victim and the persecutor. I could at that time, admit to the rescuer, and MAYBE the victim, but the persecutor, I don't think so........well as she and I worked through it, I did have to own the persecutor, wow, it was hard to do that, it broke up my self perception into little pieces......I really saw myself as the savior, certainly NOT the bad guy. I did a lot of soul searching and finally owned my persecutor self....... and opened the door for myself to escape the triangle. And, as the years passed and I removed myself from the different triangles I was in, when I told the truth instead of lying or withholding or operating out of the "shoulds" I indeed was named the persecutor........interesting. When you don't play in the triangle anymore, but those around you try to pull you back, when you refuse to enter, or engage, you are then seen as the persecutor. </p><p></p><p>When we parents step out of rescuing our kids, they often act badly and see us as the persecutor. If we can stand tough and allow ourselves to feel that awful guilt, we remove ourselves from the triangle.............yet sometimes our kids stay and seek out other rescuers. </p><p></p><p>Another problem with the role of rescuer/enabler is that in society we are seen as the really good guy, there are a lot of accolades for the saintly characters we portray, it is a real heady title to give up. And, when you add mother in the mix, a saintly Mom who gives and gives and gives (and ultimately turns into a martyr for her kids).......it still looks really good in the world........it can be a position that hurts like the dickens but if looking good is the objective, and holding on to your false persona and not feeling your own feelings, than holding on to that position of the all giving mom can be a very strong incentive to NOT change. </p><p></p><p>Before I gave up my saintly position of 5 star enabler, I was given a lot of praise and acknowledgement for my giving. The problem was it just hurt so badly and it never changed, it was really bad to be that guy, on the inside I was dying a slow death. But, on the outside, I looked good. The irony for me is that, in giving up the enabling, not only was I not judged by anyone else (except for those I stopped enabling!!), I don't do half as much for others and I am still seen as a good guy AND I felt SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much better. </p><p></p><p>It's hard to get out of that triangle. However, the result, as COM mentioned, is the distaste for ALL drama. Now I can see drama right away and I get the heck out of Dodge as quickly as I can. I can see it brewing........and I am outta there! Peace is the goal and if that is the case, drama has no place in a peaceful environment because it is <em>entirely avoidable. </em></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I've lost some friends along the way because I removed myself from the rescuer role......I hadn't realized how deeply entrenched in that role I was until I got out of it........and then I could see the truth and when I stopped my behavior the connections started to dissolve......as you said, COM, it's not "satisfying" to them when there is no drama to engage with.</p><p></p><p>I think drama is a way we can feel like we're alive when we don't know how to feel our feelings.....the intensity brings us a sense of aliveness we can't feel otherwise........without all that drama, life can feel boring and flat, so we perpetuate it as ECHO mentioned. </p><p></p><p>I experienced a bit of that recently, where life was so darn quiet and uneventful that I would sometimes say to my husband, "is there something I am forgetting to do? Or something.............? I went a couple of months feeling that way.........now there are times I just listen to the quiet, recognize the moment and the peacefulness of it all...........and I feel so grateful and lucky that I am no longer a member of the drama circus.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 652779, member: 13542"] Thanks COM, that was a really good article. I worked with a therapist awhile back on my part in the drama triangle. She told me,as this article addresses, that in order to remove yourself from the triangle, you have to own that you are indeed, [I][U]all three roles,[/U][/I] not just the rescuer, but the victim and the persecutor. I could at that time, admit to the rescuer, and MAYBE the victim, but the persecutor, I don't think so........well as she and I worked through it, I did have to own the persecutor, wow, it was hard to do that, it broke up my self perception into little pieces......I really saw myself as the savior, certainly NOT the bad guy. I did a lot of soul searching and finally owned my persecutor self....... and opened the door for myself to escape the triangle. And, as the years passed and I removed myself from the different triangles I was in, when I told the truth instead of lying or withholding or operating out of the "shoulds" I indeed was named the persecutor........interesting. When you don't play in the triangle anymore, but those around you try to pull you back, when you refuse to enter, or engage, you are then seen as the persecutor. When we parents step out of rescuing our kids, they often act badly and see us as the persecutor. If we can stand tough and allow ourselves to feel that awful guilt, we remove ourselves from the triangle.............yet sometimes our kids stay and seek out other rescuers. Another problem with the role of rescuer/enabler is that in society we are seen as the really good guy, there are a lot of accolades for the saintly characters we portray, it is a real heady title to give up. And, when you add mother in the mix, a saintly Mom who gives and gives and gives (and ultimately turns into a martyr for her kids).......it still looks really good in the world........it can be a position that hurts like the dickens but if looking good is the objective, and holding on to your false persona and not feeling your own feelings, than holding on to that position of the all giving mom can be a very strong incentive to NOT change. Before I gave up my saintly position of 5 star enabler, I was given a lot of praise and acknowledgement for my giving. The problem was it just hurt so badly and it never changed, it was really bad to be that guy, on the inside I was dying a slow death. But, on the outside, I looked good. The irony for me is that, in giving up the enabling, not only was I not judged by anyone else (except for those I stopped enabling!!), I don't do half as much for others and I am still seen as a good guy AND I felt SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much better. It's hard to get out of that triangle. However, the result, as COM mentioned, is the distaste for ALL drama. Now I can see drama right away and I get the heck out of Dodge as quickly as I can. I can see it brewing........and I am outta there! Peace is the goal and if that is the case, drama has no place in a peaceful environment because it is [I]entirely avoidable. [/I] I've lost some friends along the way because I removed myself from the rescuer role......I hadn't realized how deeply entrenched in that role I was until I got out of it........and then I could see the truth and when I stopped my behavior the connections started to dissolve......as you said, COM, it's not "satisfying" to them when there is no drama to engage with. I think drama is a way we can feel like we're alive when we don't know how to feel our feelings.....the intensity brings us a sense of aliveness we can't feel otherwise........without all that drama, life can feel boring and flat, so we perpetuate it as ECHO mentioned. I experienced a bit of that recently, where life was so darn quiet and uneventful that I would sometimes say to my husband, "is there something I am forgetting to do? Or something.............? I went a couple of months feeling that way.........now there are times I just listen to the quiet, recognize the moment and the peacefulness of it all...........and I feel so grateful and lucky that I am no longer a member of the drama circus. [/QUOTE]
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