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Uninvited guest for Thanksgiving
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 640513" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>"my son has turned that into an excuse to have me be the bad guy to his friends."</p><p></p><p>I think I understand what you are saying now. You want your son to stand up for himself, to be able to place his own boundaries around himself and be able to say no, thereby removing some of these negative characters from his sphere. It sounds as if in the past, he has put you in the position of being the one who puts his foot down, thereby abdicating any responsibility for what he wants. </p><p></p><p>Well, first of all, given holiday madness and expectation and all of the usual holiday "stuff," <em>now</em> may not be the time for him to "grow a spine" as you said. It just doesn't appear that the holidays present a good "teaching moment." </p><p></p><p>However, has he ever been in any kind of program where he learns how to take care of himself? Such as "assertiveness training" or a course where he can get tools to be able to set boundaries and say no? As a young person I was a lot like your son, I had to learn, to be trained to be able to figure out how to first detect that I needed to say NO and then to actually do it. It was a process for me to learn that. I was afraid and the fear prevented me from being able to voice my opinions or needs. Learning to say no, to be able to be strong enough to set boundaries is not natural for everyone, he may need serious training to be able to do that. Perhaps you can help him do that, find a course, or class or teacher , after the holidays.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 640513, member: 13542"] "my son has turned that into an excuse to have me be the bad guy to his friends." I think I understand what you are saying now. You want your son to stand up for himself, to be able to place his own boundaries around himself and be able to say no, thereby removing some of these negative characters from his sphere. It sounds as if in the past, he has put you in the position of being the one who puts his foot down, thereby abdicating any responsibility for what he wants. Well, first of all, given holiday madness and expectation and all of the usual holiday "stuff," [I]now[/I] may not be the time for him to "grow a spine" as you said. It just doesn't appear that the holidays present a good "teaching moment." However, has he ever been in any kind of program where he learns how to take care of himself? Such as "assertiveness training" or a course where he can get tools to be able to set boundaries and say no? As a young person I was a lot like your son, I had to learn, to be trained to be able to figure out how to first detect that I needed to say NO and then to actually do it. It was a process for me to learn that. I was afraid and the fear prevented me from being able to voice my opinions or needs. Learning to say no, to be able to be strong enough to set boundaries is not natural for everyone, he may need serious training to be able to do that. Perhaps you can help him do that, find a course, or class or teacher , after the holidays. [/QUOTE]
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