Sweet Friend, I get it. In case you don't know my story, I was so afraid Kay would get hurt, be homeless, hate us more than she claimed to and feel unloved that we bought her a house, a mobile home, three older cars, paid rent several times and we even bought her groceries, more than she needed. After she had her son, whom she neglected but would not give up, we did even more.
She destroyed the house, and her husband Lee who was working as a pizza driver gave us not even some money. All we asked for was what he could afford. Nothing. We had to clean the house. They would not try to pay utility bills either (ln our name) and finally we were going broke so we had to sell the house. First we had to fix up their mess. Strike One.
Next we thought maybe a house had been too much for our troubled child so we actually bought them a small mobile home and paid it in cash. We did.not have the extra money we once did so we said they had to pay the small lot fee. It was only $250 month and Lee made enough for that. We paid the utility bills again. They were not bad in a small mobile home. But....Lee and Kay paid nothing. Not a dollar. Plus they started having physical fights and screaming matches outdoors. A lot. Neighbors complained. Next thing we knew, the owner of the property told us was that we had ××× days to move the.mobile home or that he would start calling the police on both of them. Strangely so far police calls about them had mostly ended in warnings only.They had drugs there so either nobody checked or they hid them well. I really don't know, will never know. Pfffft. We told them they had to let us sell the mobile home and they waved their fists at us, threatening us, and left in very angry states of mind.
I still could.not allow my little girl to be homeless. She already always told us that she knew we didnt love her because she was adopted and added that we were not her real parents. While this literally broke me in half, my husband was becoming hardened to her nasty speeches/behavior and wanted to tell her to do it herself...that we would not support her all her life. He wanted to stop anyone flow. Strike two.
Going against my husband's wishes, I paid for a few apartments that she got evicted from for fighting and threatening other tenants. I bought her cars in case she had to live in them. She totaled ALL THREE and got two DUIs. I got her lawyers. Our money, which had once been.plentiful, was disappearing. Literally.
My husband left me for another woman but made it clear that he loved ME but that I would have to stop this with Kay or he would divorce me. It was up to me. It was uncomfortable because we saw each other every day at our business. And it was tense, both of us angry.
My two other kids spoke to me privately. Neither were happy with me. Both cried. They 100% thought Dad was right. Now my kids are level headed and kind and I did not take what they said lightly. Actually husband is a wonderful man too. Who isnt wonderful? Who is mean and even abusive? Kay.
Never once did Kay thank us for all we did which was a lot. Never did she apologize for anything SHE did. It was our fault for taking her to this country where she did not belong. She also told us many other stories about her childhood that had never happened. Abuse, hitting her (we did not spank), how we left her at home as a small.child while we chased the almighty dollar at our business...Kay was not left alone even in her teens. We were afraid of what she would do to the house when she was alone. A relative was always there and my auntie moved in for a while.
Finally, "you sent me away!" We did. On the advice of school staff we sent her to a nice, clean, highly recommended boarding school for troubled teens. She actually did well there but after she came home it was the same as before.
My mother heart was/is huge. I had wanted a big family! Kay was loved as much as the other kids. My other two kids still say she was given most of the attention.
After my husband left and my two other kids spoke to me, I finally saw a bit of the light. I promised to go both to NarAnon and therapy and my beloved husband came back. He had already told his other woman that he only loved me.
The rest is history. My advice is based on my story and we all have a different story.
Kay is not thriving and lives in an old motorhome out West. She sill won't work. Lee still has his pizza job only in a new place. Their son is in permanant custody of.my other daughter as they gave him to her after threats to call CPS and other issues. Kay and Lee both collect SSDI now and with that they get foodshare and Medicare and I believe also Medicaid. They would not try for any benefits as we gave them money. Kay said she isn't a welfare person because we her parents were rich. We were/are not rich by the way. We did.make a good.living from our business but are not Bill Gates like she tells us we are. Also.."my parents are rich?" Unless convenient we were Bob and Sue (not our real names) and not her real parents.
I learned to let go with love in therapy and NarAnon. Our family is at peace. As long as we kept feeding our daughters dysfunction, we had no peace. We were always waiting for the.next crisis that would cost us.. Money doesn't make Kay feel we love her. She.knows we do. Money just makes her feel entitled to more money.
She is doing better now because she.needed to get government services and now she has them. She can apply for a low rent apartment too. I think she doesn't because she knows she won't be able to follow the rules. Including no drugs.
Well, this is our story. It gets easier to share more and more of it the longer she is out NW. Time is a great healer. So is getting help for yourself. It is a.loving to do for yourself. I was afraid to go.. Now I have. Nar Anon meeting every Thursday on Zoom and I love everyone.. it is not a place to complain.. it is a place to be heard and to heal.. if anyone is interested look up Nar Anon Zoom online and you will see times and the numbers to get in.. We have people from the South to Northwest on our Midwestern group.. Doesn't matter where you live. It's Zoom!!! This is.not in my opinion a do it yourself project.
Love and blessings to all.