update: a bit less drama at my house

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Farmwife, Jun 11, 2010.

  1. Farmwife

    Farmwife Member

    After I got over wanting to kill my difficult child the other day things eased up a bit. He did have a bit of a 'tude after the incident and was trying to be defiant but I ended up putting the "smack down" on that. (no actual smacking)

    I'm beginning to see this cyclothemia thing starting to evolve into possibly bi polar which is how the cookie usually crumbles. After difficult child's temper blister popped the pressure changed instantly. He was sweet, smiling and eager to please. It was like he was instantly on his best behavior and has stayed that way since then. I'm talking about scrubbing his bathroom until it sparkled without being told to. Then he was excited to show it off like he needed some positive feedback.

    The back and forth nature of his moods and disorder are a real challenge. He makes me crazy and then he gets to be just plain ole wonderful. The wonderful part really tugs at my heart. Then my empathy, motherly concern and worries kick in. Then I am all prepped for heartbreak the next time he slips back. *sigh*

    Mind you, I'm not complaining. I know some of you don't get the reward of the up cycle and the beast fading for a couple days. I know some of you never see the flip side. Don't be envious though...the flip flop, flip flop and then flip flop all over again is no picnic either.

    Anywhoo, when his harsh exterior softens it chokes me up. I start to see how needy he is, how hard life is for him and all the things that may not work out for him as an adult. Then I want so much to protect my baby, to help him because I know he will be a late late late bloomer if he ever can function as a complete adult. Then I feel bad because I know he needs stability and if I can't deal with his dark moods and outbursts he will be lost. I know he won't maintain his medications and care alone. I know he will always need a person to watch over him to make sure his fridge in his apartment has food between paydays. He will always need some guidance. I am his only chance to maybe succeed. If he gets cast off from our family I know nothing good can come of it for him. By letting him go I know I seal his fate.

    Then I envision him homeless or addicted or off medications and suicidal. I know those potential realities would cause me much more pain than this immediate drama in life. I just have to take every day knowing what my long term hopes are for him.

    In light of that we are going to save up for a travel trailer for him. It isn't much but a guest house is waaaay out of our price range. When he is maybe 17 1/2 I will let him move into it and "play house". He will be just out of our back yard but close enough for me to help him figure out how to shop for his own groceries on a budget (allowance). I will expect him to keep his own place clean, maybe he will get excited about his "freedom" and take pride in his place. It's amazing what things we have to teach our kids that most parents take for granted.

    Then after he does turn 18 he may not be in a rush to escape. He'll have privacy but still feel like he is safe at home. No matter how much he wants to grow up I think it will be a long time before he feels ready to actually go.

    Just thinking out loud...trying to have some light at the end of the tunnel. (not a train either)

    I'm going to enjoy his sunshine for a week or so. I just hope I can learn to see his shift and not let it hurt so much when it happens.
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think you have a very good idea.

    We are attempting to have our son save up to buy a used mobile home to place on the "back 40" lol. We have 8 acres here but only about 3 of them are actually livable. We used to have a singlewide mobile home tucked into some trees before we moved into a doublewide out in the field so we are going to let Cory put a singlewide where our old one was if he can find one. It still has a septic tank and electric lines run to it. Should be easy.

    Cory was on his own since late 08 until just this month. Finances just got the best of him. I can see why, its not easy out there. Im really surprised the other kid isnt knocking on my door...lol. Boy would I have a full house! I think I would move out...lol.
  3. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Interesting stuff, Farmwife. A travel trailer would have never occurred to me.
    I've wanted to kill my difficult child on many occasions. :)
    I know the feeling of wanting to take care of them, when they are so needy ... mine still calls me "Mommy" and hearing it come from a kid who's taller than I am, in full football gear, is weird, to say the least!
    We're slowly checking into mood disorder issues, too, on top of Asperger's. So far, his moods are awful when he is sleep deprived, when we say "no," and when he hasn't had his Concerta and/or Imiprimine. Quite a journey.
  4. boo

    boo Guest

    That bugs me too! My 15 year old calls me "mommy", it is very weird. LOL! :D
  5. Farmwife

    Farmwife Member

    Step dad and I still get hugs most nights before bedtime. I know we have been bad :mad: parents when he goes to bed in a huff without hugs that night. lol

    I'd get a single wide and semi permanent set up in a second except that our county is strict on that. It would have to be a newer one. Not sure why...we are in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by farms. Every spring when the ground thaws I smell the thawing meadow muffins frozen away safely all winter by Gramps moo cows. I'm thinking a mobile home doesn't exactly detract from that but whatever.:D

    After difficult child is 18 and out working I am going to charge him rent. His utilities will be negligible so the money will really go to savings for a down payment on something long term. Being rural is a bonus because the next town over has homes for sale for a song. I could set him up in a fixer upper for $30,000 easy. That way regardless of if he works or is on SSI I can get him an actual house with a payment he can manage.

    It's crazy that I have to plan these sorts of things out but as long as he is safe and happy it's worth it. He's worth it.