Update About husband and Our Vacatgion Saga

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Bunny, Dec 4, 2012.

  1. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    I posted last week about husband told the kids, my in-laws, and my sister that we were going to Disney World at the end of June, despite the fact that he promised me that we would do something else and despite the fact that I have NO desire to go to Disney this year. I went last year and vacations with difficult child, no matter where we go, are just no fun. He screams every name in the book at me and throws temper tantrums, and just makes the whole thing miserable for everyone invlolved. I can do that at home for free.

    So I told husband that I would not go. He got really angry and said that we just wouldn't go anywhere and it was all my fault. Fine. I don't care, but now HE could tell the kids that we weren't going. Every day I asked him, "Did you talk to difficult child about the fact that we're not going to Disney?" Every day he conveniently forgot.

    Yesterday he finally talked to him. difficult child said, "I know that mom is the parent and she gets the final say, but I am NOT happy with this decision."

    Then he came after me. "I want to go and you're not taking my feeling into account!" Really, I had to bite my tounge because there were SOOOO many things that I wanted to say, but I simply told him that I had to go last year despite the fact that I had no desire to go and no one seemed to care about my feelings then. Now, everyone was going to take my feeling into account and if that means not going anywhere, then so be it! Then he came back with, "Well, if you don't want to go to Disney where do you want to go?"

    Now, all of a sudden he says he'll do what someone else wants? All along he's been screaming that if we don't go to Disney he doesn't want to go anywhere. So, he got his wish. Disney or nothing. And he got nothing.

    Truthfully, I don't want to go anywhere with him. What he does not seem to understand if that the only vacations I have ever enjoyed are the ones where he and easy child were left home!
  2. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Ugggh! Vacation with a difficult child. About the worst kind of vacation ever! We've done two family trips in the last two years and both were so stressful that it wasn't worth it. husband and I did manage to escape to Bermuda for a short trip alone together two years ago and it was absolute heaven. We're debating on going on a cruise in March but easy child/difficult child would have to come along and I don't think I can take a week on a boat with him. I feel your pain Bunny! Big hugs!!!
  3. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    This is HUGE! difficult child asked about someone else's thoughts and feelings!

    And if difficult child can take your thoughts and feelings into consdieration....maybe husband can, too?

    What if later on...when you find a calm moment....you sit down with your two children and say something like "Last year it was Daddy's turn to pick the vacation. This year, it's my turn. Can you help me decide what sort of vacation would be fun for ME ? "

    It might be a way to really talk to your kids about the things that Mom enjoys...and help them see Mom as an actual person - instead of, you know, just "the mom". They might have some good ideas for a relaxing vacation for you, too!

    Then the three of you can tell husband what you decided.
  4. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    It's not a bad idea, Daisy, but the real honest truth is that I don't want to go anywhere with difficult child. It's not that I just don't want to go to Disney. I just don't want to go. I feel like no matter where we have gone in the past difficult child makes everyone miserable with his behavior choices. He's rude. He's mean. He tantrums when we don't do exactly what HE wants exactly when he wants it. And it always seems to be worse when we are away because it's out of his "normal". I resent spending alot of money to go somewhere when I can watch him behave like that at home for free.

    It's not a vacation for me. I'm still the parent that has to deal with his stuff. I'm still the one (along with easy child) who is the target of his anger and violence. Going anywhere with him just hold no joy for me. I know that sounds awful, but that's the truth. I see no point in spending money to go somewhere when I know that I will not enjoy myself because I never do.
  5. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    I know exactly what you mean. I usually call it "taking the show on the road". As in, "If the kids are acting like maniacs right now - why in the world would we want to take this show on the road and put them in the car to try and go do something?" husband almost never understood what I was talking about.

    However, I have found that the kids were able to hold it together if they thought they were doing something important "for" me. There have been times when I have sat them down and talked to them just the way I suggested to you - and they (usually difficult child) have come up with something that really surprised me.

    One time, for example, difficult child wanted to go out for ice cream. I was angry and upset and didn't want to. I sat down and explained that going for ice cream wasn't any fun for me if I had to deal with (whatever it was that was happening at home at the moment - I can't remember specifically). difficult child thought about it and suggested that SHE would get all of her chores done, AND wash my car, AND use her own money to pay for the ice cream. I told her that if she did those things, I was sure I would feel much better about going out for ice cream.

    She did everything she said - and so we went for ice cream. It turned out to be a very nice time.

    I don't know that it would work for a whole, long vacation. But maybe start with little things here and there?

    Let your kids come up with a way to do something nice for YOU. They might surprise you.
  6. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I think DF is on the right track.
    Start SMALL.
    Build positive behaviors.
    Over time... a weekend getaway may become possible.
    But... a week at a theme park? with no ground-work? Uhhhh.... nope.
    Not me either!
  7. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    I can say the one great thing about cruises is that there is a kids club that keeps them plenty busy and they have activities all day and evening for the kids. For that reason, a cruise may be perfect because you would get some respite - hopefully. Our first year on a cruise was fantastic - everyone had a great time. The second time, difficult child was on drugs and went for a binge before we left. (Didn't know at the time of course but thinking back on it, I know now what was going on). She was a miserable B from hades and made everyone's vacation absolutely miserable. The one good thing was that when she was sleeping in the room (which was most of the trip), we went elsewhere.

    Course, I will never do another cruise again unless they come out with a non-smokers cruise. I can't spend any time in the casino because it is smoke filled and so are the clubs. People also smoke all around the pool. Nope, I refuse to spend all of that money and get sick from cigarette smoke again.

    But if you can tolerate it, and want a vacation where you can actually get some respite, I recommend a cruise.
  8. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Good for you for holding your ground!
  9. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    My knee jerk reaction? I'd have tossed this one back in husband's lap. "difficult child, I never said YOU couldn't go. I said I did not wish to go. If you can talk your father into taking you, by all means you can still go." Then you have a stay-cation without them.
  10. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    That is... IF such a strategy won't backfire by having difficult child come back having seriously regressed in behavior.
    There's just too many factors with our difficult child kids... just thinking about it drives me nuts.
  11. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    I did tell difficult child that, but his response was, "You wouldn't leave me home while the rest of you went on a vacation, so we can't leave you home."