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Update and let down? Maybe? Kinda...
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 749892" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>What great news about the retirement situation, the travel and your plans to RV.</p><p></p><p>That said, Gosh. I would be worried too.</p><p></p><p>My own son moved back here a couple of weeks ago. (It seems like 2 months). He is with M, in the other house. He has no money, so the marijuana is not an issue yet. That said, I am glad that my son is back. Even though it is a huge trigger for me. I am grateful to M who insulates me. To a point. But there is still a lot to deal with.</p><p></p><p>It seems to me that he is moving back to where you are purely for the support. And that makes sense, if he is ill and he needs support.</p><p></p><p>But that does not mean that this new anticipated move supports <em>you. </em>But what in the world can you do? You have no control here, Lil. It's back to the drawing board.</p><p></p><p>I am glad you are back here. I have missed you. A relatively new member, Busy, posted a new thread about a fantastic book she has read called I think, <u>The Gift of Acceptance.</u> The premise is that are suffering comes from the refusal to accept things and people as they really are. Four of us so far are buying the book. Busy said by reading this book, she has changed entirely her feelings about her daughter, and about her whole life.</p><p></p><p>As I see it, your son's return has nothing to do with you. He will live his life as he sees fit. Nothing you say or think or do will alter his choices. If he chooses to act in such a way where he runs into the law or loses this relationship, this will happen. You know this. We cannot alter their paths or their suffering. I tried so hard. It didn't work. You know this.</p><p></p><p>I'm like you. As long as I can maintain a fantasy that everything's okay, I feel better. The reality of things, is much harder. But I guess that's why I have to read the book.</p><p></p><p>There is another way to look at this new development. A chance to grow. For him and for you. The fiancée is a strong influence on your son. It's possible that she will continue to be.</p><p></p><p>I will add one thing here. I would be very reticent to let them move in. If they can't afford to make the move, I don't think they should make it. It sets up a dynamic that is potentially problematic. First, you don't want him to move in, it appears. Second, you will have to apply pressure to get him out, in all likelihood. Finally, from the get go it sets up dependency, and opportunities for resentment and conflict. There are ways to help and support them that do not involve this enmeshment of boundaries. I would be careful with this.</p><p></p><p>Just like you advised the fiancée to speak directly to your son, I think you need to have several talks with them, before they come, not after, to anticipate problems and to avoid them, and to clarify expectations. Just because it's cheaper where you are does not mean it's free. Just because you're there, does not mean that he can just avoid responsibility. He needs to come up with a plan. If he is unable to work has he applied for disability insurance? Does he know what his functional limitations will be? Has he thought about Vocational Rehab benefits, and General Assistance (benefits)? Is he thinking about school to prepare for a career that he can handle?</p><p></p><p>These are questions that he needs to address. Not you. I fear that this could all fall into your lap. I think your fears are realistic. Not that problems are inevitable. But they are as likely as not. Those are not good odds. But maybe I am projecting here.</p><p></p><p>If he is not willing to deal with these issues, or begin to, I would try to keep a firm boundary. You don't want all of this to fall into your lap. Again.</p><p></p><p>Your son is capable and strong. Illness or no illness. He can do this. You shouldn't have to.</p><p></p><p>I would be very clear up front about the boundaries. That her parents have been willing to take them in and take them on, does not mean you should. This is a radically different culture. There are hugely different expectations of children and parents.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 749892, member: 18958"] What great news about the retirement situation, the travel and your plans to RV. That said, Gosh. I would be worried too. My own son moved back here a couple of weeks ago. (It seems like 2 months). He is with M, in the other house. He has no money, so the marijuana is not an issue yet. That said, I am glad that my son is back. Even though it is a huge trigger for me. I am grateful to M who insulates me. To a point. But there is still a lot to deal with. It seems to me that he is moving back to where you are purely for the support. And that makes sense, if he is ill and he needs support. But that does not mean that this new anticipated move supports [I]you. [/I]But what in the world can you do? You have no control here, Lil. It's back to the drawing board. I am glad you are back here. I have missed you. A relatively new member, Busy, posted a new thread about a fantastic book she has read called I think, [U]The Gift of Acceptance.[/U] The premise is that are suffering comes from the refusal to accept things and people as they really are. Four of us so far are buying the book. Busy said by reading this book, she has changed entirely her feelings about her daughter, and about her whole life. As I see it, your son's return has nothing to do with you. He will live his life as he sees fit. Nothing you say or think or do will alter his choices. If he chooses to act in such a way where he runs into the law or loses this relationship, this will happen. You know this. We cannot alter their paths or their suffering. I tried so hard. It didn't work. You know this. I'm like you. As long as I can maintain a fantasy that everything's okay, I feel better. The reality of things, is much harder. But I guess that's why I have to read the book. There is another way to look at this new development. A chance to grow. For him and for you. The fiancée is a strong influence on your son. It's possible that she will continue to be. I will add one thing here. I would be very reticent to let them move in. If they can't afford to make the move, I don't think they should make it. It sets up a dynamic that is potentially problematic. First, you don't want him to move in, it appears. Second, you will have to apply pressure to get him out, in all likelihood. Finally, from the get go it sets up dependency, and opportunities for resentment and conflict. There are ways to help and support them that do not involve this enmeshment of boundaries. I would be careful with this. Just like you advised the fiancée to speak directly to your son, I think you need to have several talks with them, before they come, not after, to anticipate problems and to avoid them, and to clarify expectations. Just because it's cheaper where you are does not mean it's free. Just because you're there, does not mean that he can just avoid responsibility. He needs to come up with a plan. If he is unable to work has he applied for disability insurance? Does he know what his functional limitations will be? Has he thought about Vocational Rehab benefits, and General Assistance (benefits)? Is he thinking about school to prepare for a career that he can handle? These are questions that he needs to address. Not you. I fear that this could all fall into your lap. I think your fears are realistic. Not that problems are inevitable. But they are as likely as not. Those are not good odds. But maybe I am projecting here. If he is not willing to deal with these issues, or begin to, I would try to keep a firm boundary. You don't want all of this to fall into your lap. Again. Your son is capable and strong. Illness or no illness. He can do this. You shouldn't have to. I would be very clear up front about the boundaries. That her parents have been willing to take them in and take them on, does not mean you should. This is a radically different culture. There are hugely different expectations of children and parents. [/QUOTE]
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