Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Update -- Been Awhile
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 714114" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>First, I'm sending you a really big ((HUG))</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>No need to be angry with yourself. You did what you thought best at the time. Regardless of what we do or don't do for our kids the choices they make are their own.</p><p>After years of not offering any kind of support to our son we decided to send him some money for Christmas this past year. 2 days later he was arrested for assault with a knife. His sentence is 2 years in prison.</p><p>I too had "what if" thoughts. What if we hadn't sent him money, he wouldn't have been able to buy booze, get drunk and then end up assaulting someone. I quickly realized that regardless of what we did for him, he made his own choices just as your son did. That is on them, not us.</p><p></p><p></p><p>It's always harder when they are geographically closer but boundaries should be strong and remain in place no matter if they are in the same town, same state, or on the other side of the world. If your son wants to get together I would suggest going to a public place, a park or McDonald's.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Well of course it seems wrong. This isn't the way things were supposed to turn out. Just because our difficult adult children make choices that leave them in dire straights does not mean that we as the parents have to rescue them. In one of the letters my son has sent from prison he said how he hopes that our relationship can become strong and that I will welcome him back into my home.</p><p>The only way I would welcome him back into my home is to see his "lip service" put into action. It's fine that in his letter he says he know he has a drinking and drug problem and that he's going to get his life straightened out. I've heard all of this before as I'm sure you have too. When I see my son get a job and hold it for more than a few months, when I see that he's being responsible with his money and can live in the same place for a year or more, when I see that his temperament has changed from being angry and hateful, when I see him show respect to me and my husband then maybe, just maybe, I might welcome him into my home.</p><p>My son also wrote in his letter that when he is released he will be homeless. He was homeless when he got arrested. I know that he's trying to manipulate me into "rescuing" him when he's released. Not going to happen. I told him in my letter that he would most likely have to live in a halfway house and get a job.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Albie, what is right is your sense of security. What is wrong is your son, my son and all the other difficult adult children who take advantage of us, who manipulate us, who abuse us. We as parents have done our job of raising them. We taught them right from wrong, after that the choice of what they choose is up to them.</p><p></p><p>It's been said many times, if love alone could save them we wouldn't need a site like this.</p><p>We can offer support to our kids by telling them that we love them, offering advice if they will take it, but we do not have to support them with money, we do not have to support them by letting them stay in our homes.</p><p></p><p>I'm so glad you shared. Hang in there. When you feel like you're losing your strength draw on the strength of all of us here.</p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/group-hug.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":group-hug:" title="group hug :group-hug:" data-shortname=":group-hug:" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 714114, member: 18516"] First, I'm sending you a really big ((HUG)) No need to be angry with yourself. You did what you thought best at the time. Regardless of what we do or don't do for our kids the choices they make are their own. After years of not offering any kind of support to our son we decided to send him some money for Christmas this past year. 2 days later he was arrested for assault with a knife. His sentence is 2 years in prison. I too had "what if" thoughts. What if we hadn't sent him money, he wouldn't have been able to buy booze, get drunk and then end up assaulting someone. I quickly realized that regardless of what we did for him, he made his own choices just as your son did. That is on them, not us. It's always harder when they are geographically closer but boundaries should be strong and remain in place no matter if they are in the same town, same state, or on the other side of the world. If your son wants to get together I would suggest going to a public place, a park or McDonald's. Well of course it seems wrong. This isn't the way things were supposed to turn out. Just because our difficult adult children make choices that leave them in dire straights does not mean that we as the parents have to rescue them. In one of the letters my son has sent from prison he said how he hopes that our relationship can become strong and that I will welcome him back into my home. The only way I would welcome him back into my home is to see his "lip service" put into action. It's fine that in his letter he says he know he has a drinking and drug problem and that he's going to get his life straightened out. I've heard all of this before as I'm sure you have too. When I see my son get a job and hold it for more than a few months, when I see that he's being responsible with his money and can live in the same place for a year or more, when I see that his temperament has changed from being angry and hateful, when I see him show respect to me and my husband then maybe, just maybe, I might welcome him into my home. My son also wrote in his letter that when he is released he will be homeless. He was homeless when he got arrested. I know that he's trying to manipulate me into "rescuing" him when he's released. Not going to happen. I told him in my letter that he would most likely have to live in a halfway house and get a job. Albie, what is right is your sense of security. What is wrong is your son, my son and all the other difficult adult children who take advantage of us, who manipulate us, who abuse us. We as parents have done our job of raising them. We taught them right from wrong, after that the choice of what they choose is up to them. It's been said many times, if love alone could save them we wouldn't need a site like this. We can offer support to our kids by telling them that we love them, offering advice if they will take it, but we do not have to support them with money, we do not have to support them by letting them stay in our homes. I'm so glad you shared. Hang in there. When you feel like you're losing your strength draw on the strength of all of us here. :group-hug: [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Update -- Been Awhile
Top