Albatross
Well-Known Member
The last time I posted, son had just started in a year-long residential sober living facility and I posted about him angry and blaming us for his failure to make his first probation payment timely. He has been at the facility for almost 5 months now, and he has made some changes that are both gradual and remarkable. He still has a long way to go, and I know that things turn on a dime in the world of d.c.'s, but for today he is starting to "get it."
He's successfully navigated some challenges that definitely would have derailed him in the past, including having to stand up to two residents and coworkers who were using and selling drugs while at work (which could have resulted in all three of them getting kicked out and worse). Both ended up going back to prison, several other residents were subsequently kicked out of the program, and son was treated like a pariah for awhile. Ultimately the people who are left are more focused on recovery, so the outcome was good.
Son is becoming more responsible and is taking more responsibility. He pays his bills when they are due, without being reminded. Because of his draw schedule, he didn't always have the cash on hand to pay his cell phone bill or probation payment the week we saw him, so we would pay it for him. We never had to remind him to pay us back; he handed us the money as soon as we saw him the following week.
He is now in his second phase of the program. The first focused on preventing relapse. The second focuses on why addicts use, and why in particular he chose to do so. He said he is learning a lot about himself.
I think the biggest change in him has been his honesty. He is now rigorously..no, BRUTALLY honest. Sometimes it's nice, sometimes not so nice. If he is angry or resentful about something he vents, then we talk about it, then he lets it go, instead of ruminating about it or holding it inside.
The change in his appearance is amazing. He's gained so much weight, most of it muscle because his job involves a lot of heavy lifting. His color is good, his eyes are clear, and he actually PAID for a haircut!
My biggest fear at this juncture is that he just purchased a car, and I do worry that if he is tempted to relapse, a car is going to make it that much easier to take off. But I try to remember that he's almost halfway through the program -- maybe better for him to get used to SOME freedom now, rather than all of it at once. Plus, his facility is in such a terrible neighborhood that he doesn't really need a car to get into trouble...
My second biggest fear is Thanksgiving. I know he is worried about feeling "under the microscope" with his other relatives. Holidays are hard. Family time is hard.
Hubs and I are thrilled at his progress, though we try not to hang too much on it, as we know things can change quickly.
We also still struggle to remember that this is his journey, not ours.
I had this struggle brought close to home when daughter (29 years old) went through a rancorous breakup. Boy oh boy did I get unhealthily and inappropriately involved! She has been the easy child (perfect child) (most likely because of son sucking all the oxygen out of the room). A few days of being less than perfect and I am Mommy To The Rescue, ready to tell her all about why it went wrong and how she can fix it.
So...I am not proud of it, but in many ways I am inclined to play the fixer. Son gave me an excuse to do so. So son isn't the only one learning as he goes through this program...
He's successfully navigated some challenges that definitely would have derailed him in the past, including having to stand up to two residents and coworkers who were using and selling drugs while at work (which could have resulted in all three of them getting kicked out and worse). Both ended up going back to prison, several other residents were subsequently kicked out of the program, and son was treated like a pariah for awhile. Ultimately the people who are left are more focused on recovery, so the outcome was good.
Son is becoming more responsible and is taking more responsibility. He pays his bills when they are due, without being reminded. Because of his draw schedule, he didn't always have the cash on hand to pay his cell phone bill or probation payment the week we saw him, so we would pay it for him. We never had to remind him to pay us back; he handed us the money as soon as we saw him the following week.
He is now in his second phase of the program. The first focused on preventing relapse. The second focuses on why addicts use, and why in particular he chose to do so. He said he is learning a lot about himself.
I think the biggest change in him has been his honesty. He is now rigorously..no, BRUTALLY honest. Sometimes it's nice, sometimes not so nice. If he is angry or resentful about something he vents, then we talk about it, then he lets it go, instead of ruminating about it or holding it inside.
The change in his appearance is amazing. He's gained so much weight, most of it muscle because his job involves a lot of heavy lifting. His color is good, his eyes are clear, and he actually PAID for a haircut!
My biggest fear at this juncture is that he just purchased a car, and I do worry that if he is tempted to relapse, a car is going to make it that much easier to take off. But I try to remember that he's almost halfway through the program -- maybe better for him to get used to SOME freedom now, rather than all of it at once. Plus, his facility is in such a terrible neighborhood that he doesn't really need a car to get into trouble...
My second biggest fear is Thanksgiving. I know he is worried about feeling "under the microscope" with his other relatives. Holidays are hard. Family time is hard.
Hubs and I are thrilled at his progress, though we try not to hang too much on it, as we know things can change quickly.
We also still struggle to remember that this is his journey, not ours.
I had this struggle brought close to home when daughter (29 years old) went through a rancorous breakup. Boy oh boy did I get unhealthily and inappropriately involved! She has been the easy child (perfect child) (most likely because of son sucking all the oxygen out of the room). A few days of being less than perfect and I am Mommy To The Rescue, ready to tell her all about why it went wrong and how she can fix it.
So...I am not proud of it, but in many ways I am inclined to play the fixer. Son gave me an excuse to do so. So son isn't the only one learning as he goes through this program...