Update - don't know what I was thinking....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by PatriotsGirl, Oct 31, 2011.

  1. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    So, difficult child lets me know that she needs a ride to take the bartending exam on Friday. Okay, no problem. She sends me a different address to pick her up at and tells me the area, but not the city. So, I enter the address into my GPS and it tells me that the address doesn't exist. I told her I would get in the area and call her back to find her.

    So, I get in the area, and I call. And call. And call. No answer. It occurs to me that I may have put the wrong city in for the address and maybe that is why it couldn't find it. So I figured it out and the location pops up and I go there to get difficult child.

    I pull up and it is a house that is clearly being worked on (this is what she asys her job is - fixing houses). I see one pick up truck in the driveway. I continue to call difficult child and no answer. I sit there wondering what in the world I do. Do I risk going up to the door? I already left work early to come and do this. I wasn't leaving without difficult child. So I go up to the door and a middle aged man answers. I ask if difficult child is there and he claims he doesn't know anyone by that name. I look confused and turn around to leave and he asks me again who I was looking for. This time I said her first and middle name because I know she likes to go by her middle name and a lightbulb goes off and he is like - "oh, yeah, I know her! She is downstairs asleep but you are more than welcome to try to get her up". Then he wants to know what her story is. What my story is. I have no idea the lies she may have told to have a place to stay so I just say I am a friend there to pick her up. Ugh. So I go downstairs and shake her awake. She jumps up and we get in the car.

    She, of course, is a huge "B". Always is when she first wakes up or when she has had no sleep. I wanted to immediately throw her out of the car, but I bite my tongue and figure I will just get her through this test and then I am done. I continually tell her that she cannot treat people like garbage and then expect them to stay in her life. She can't seem to grasp this concept. I hear her on the phone with her "friends" and I cringe and all I can think to myself is I would never put up with that from someone I was not related to! I would call her a really bad name and hang up. It is so obvious why she keeps running out of places to stay.

    She still has that entitlement attitude as well. I told her I was blocking the internet on her phone (she has been accessing it and building charges so the phone company added a plan that she claimed she would pay for but she is already almost maxed on the amount of internet time that comes with the plan! I told her I will not add the 30 dollar plan in hopes that she would pay it - not taking the chance as I know I will never see the money.). She start throwing a little tantrum saying she has a "smart phone" for nothing. I told her to go get her own plan!!! As soon as this contract expires next October, I am not renewing it.

    So, we get to the school and by then she has calmed down and apologized. I told her that her apologies mean nothing when she treats me the same way after apologizing!

    She goes in to take her test and I am sitting there shaking my head. I knew it was going to be a waste of time. I knew she was up all night and was in no condition to take the test. Which is upsetting because she knew she had the test to take that day. She came out an hour later with a smirk on her face so I thought she passed!! No, they gave her the test to take home and use as a study guide because she was having difficulty on one portion!!!!! (I looked in her book and there were notes in every chapter except the last two. Tells me someone was wrong when they said she was there every day. I guarantee she missed that last class.). I mean, this is ridiculous. I don't know what I was thinking. She made reference that she was doing the school I wanted her to do. She has no ownership in this.

    So we leave and I ask her if she was going back to the house that I picked her up at and she tried calling other people and no one was answering (can you blame them??). I see the depression and yet there is nothing I can do. She claims she is depressed because of her dog. I told her it is not just her dog - it is her whole life right now! How could a person not be depressed living that way?? I told her there is help out there - that she could get her head right and they would help her get on her feet, help her get a job, etc. She said you are talking about rehab - I said yes!!!! She just said I love you mom, grabbed her stuff and went back in to the house. Bawled my eyes out all the way home. I have never felt so helpless in all my life. I came home and just curled up with my husband crying. I told him that I have no idea who that man was - sure, he looked normal, but what does that mean?? He could rape her and kill her and I had to drop her off and drive away. That was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. How can any parent do this???

    I want her to get help SO bad and nothing I say seems to make any difference with her whatsoever. She is my first born. My only daughter. I love her so so very much and yet, I feel that seeing her and knowing more about her life as it is right now makes me so depressed that I don't think it is healthy for me at all. I am watching the train coming and there is nothing I can do about it. :(
  2. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry. I know how hard this is. I really think you went above and beyond here, though... if she can't get up for the test, how is she going to get up for work?

    This is definitely one of those cases where you're "working harder than she is." She seems to have no interest in changing her life, at all. You are giving rides, providing phones, giving advice, and none of it is appreciated or even heard. She's got it pretty good right now, with you doing all the work. What is *she* doing in all this, besides demanding things from you, and then b****ing at you when you do them for her? I think it's time to take a huge step back.

    I know it's painful. I know the "what ifs" are frightening and can drive you mad. But what you're doing now, isn't working, anyway, is it? She's not going to have some magic lightbulb moment because of what you say to her or do for her. She needs to come to that moment on her own. Save your energy. You're right, the more you know, the more it hurts. Step back.

    Hugs... it hoovers. It hoovers big time.
  3. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    I am so sorry that being w your daughter made you feel worse. I know you are horrified & likely grossed out by her chosen lifestyle. And scared to death.

    The therapist gave us homework - H and I are writing out our standards of living in our family. It's not finished yet; and as the days pass-we keep refining it. It's been immensely helpful (though we haven't put it into practice yet)-it's given me the opportunity to decide and write out what is acceptable and what is not and anticipate difficult children reaction. Its made me realize the strong need I have to stop "reacting" and be proactive. Unfortunately, it's likely that some of our standards could drive difficult child further away. But it's becoming clearer to me that at not having standards is worse. Having them may not change his behavior away from our lives-but at least it stops me from feigning acceptance of it. As we all know too well-give a difficult child an inch and they take miles and miles. I need to stop giving away miles. Maybes you too? I've included Trinity's list of detachment sayings on it.

    I am so so sorry you are hurting. You are a good mom and don't deserve this behavior. {{{hugs}}}
  4. elizabrary

    elizabrary Member

    I'm so sorry- I have been there many times with-my difficult child, who is equally as hateful and ungrateful. I have literally stopped the car and made her get out because I will not listen to her disgusting attitude. Whe she has acted completely insane, as your daughter is now, I have to totally cut myself off from her for my own mental health. I don't answer the phone or have any contact with her. On the one hand, it is difficult because I am so worried about her and my granddaughter. On the other hand, the chaos is not up in my face all the time, so I have some general peace in my life.

    I agree- you should cut her phone off now and stop the rides, etc. Interestingly this latest time that I threw Kat out she miraculously found a place to live and a full-time job. I don't think she would have ever done either of those things while staying at my house. I won't pay any of her bills, but I have given her some old things I had like dishes, etc. And I have bought things for the baby, but otherwise she has to figure it out. Hang in there, I'm sending positive energy your way!
  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Although I understand and sympathize with your dashed hopes and disappointment and fear...I am impressed that she actually got up and went to the testing site and evidently gave it a shot. Having spent years in difficult child land I see that as slightly encouraging. Most would have said "buzz off" (or something similar) "I'll do it another day.". Hugs. DDD
  6. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    DDD - you are right - I didn't think of that. I just told her that I couldn't keep taking time off of work (it takes most people a week to do the course and take the test - we are still trying to get this finished in three!). She said she would find a ride. I just feel like basically giving up. Like nothing I do or ever will do will make one iota of difference in her. :(

    I sent her a text yesterday asking her to stop using the internet on her phone because she was awful close to having used it up. She never responded and kept using the internet. This phone has been my only lifeline to her, but sheesh, looks like I am going to have to disable it.
  7. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    If you have any reason to think that she is "close" to completion (even knowing that she may never utilize it) I'd consider telling her "when you have completed studying for the test I will drive you to take it". Just having a "skill" and the satisfaction of completing the goal "could" make a difference in her future outlook. Maybe not right away but at some point when she's analyzing where her life is and where it is going. Another failure, on the other hand, will reinforce her concept that she is a total loser. But the choice is obviously one for you to make as she is your difficult child and are unique unto themselves. Hugs DDD
  8. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    I wouldn't disable it, I would replace it with a non smart phone. Or depending upon your carrier, you may be able to add parental controls to the existing phone that will restrict the phone's internet/media access entirely.

    You can buy a cheap pay-as-you-go phone at Walmart for $9.99 and have your carrier program a replacement SIM card (for her existing phone number) to put in it (on your current plan). The replacement SIM card will effectively disable the SIM card in her current SMART phone. I know this works with AT & T & many other carriers but not with Sprint. You just have to make sure the pay as you go phone has the same carrier as your current contract. (My kids have broken phones before their contracts were up and this is the cheapest way to replace them.)

    Honestly, I would guess that her being without a phone will add to YOUR anxiety. When difficult child left his phone on our doorstep, it cut off my only access to him. It made me very anxious. I was very glad to send his phone back to him and - I often check his usage to reassure myself that he is breathing and to check up on him. I am slowly learning to accept that it's OK for me to do things that aid difficult child for MY benefit. If her having a phone makes you feel better - go for it.
  9. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Oh I won't replace another phone. I cannot even begin to guess how many I have replaced already. Somehow she keeps getting these other phones. I saw the last one I got her in her purse - beaten, broken, scratched - it was a mess and I just got it over the summer. Somebody "gave" her a T-Mobile My Touch and that is what she is using. I have gotten differing stories from T-Mobile about the ability to block internet access. She is about to go over on usage and I refuse to allow her to rack those charges up. Nope. Not going to happen. If I need to disable it, I will.
  10. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    I am sorry if I seemed to suggest you *shouldn't* disable it. What I meant to suggest is that you should do whatever it is that works for YOU. If that's paying for it, disabling it, running it over with your car, blinging it with rhinestones - whatever makes YOU feel better.

    Our difficult child's have no problem being entirely selfish. So , we need to learn from them and once in a while do things because it makes US feel better. And if our decisions have a secondary benefit to them - so be it. Likewise, if our decisions don't work in their favor, so be it.

  11. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry PG. I have been where you are so many times. I feel your anger. You try so hard to help and support your difficult child and what do you get for it, disrespect and this crazy tug-a-war. You think if you tell her to stop using the internet on the phone she will, and that she will somehow understand all the things you are doing for her and be grateful. She won't. So the more you threaten her the more she will just do it for spite.

    I would step away from the situation for a while. Let things calm down. The next time she asks for a ride make sure she gives you the exact address and tell her if she is not outside waiting you will drive by.

  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Tmobile can be a B to work with about their parental controls concerning the internet because it can cost them the money. I tried that once when I had three lines on my account and I had actually lost one of the phones for the third line and was afraid someone was going to find the phone and use it to get online. At the time we didnt have internet on the phones as a plan so getting on it was costly. Actually, I didnt even have texts! Only phone calls. Thankfully that phone was never found and the line only cost us 5 bucks a month to sit there. Would have cost much more to cancel it. Then Tmobile lost its mind and I walked away from them.
  13. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I am so sorry for your hurting heart. Our difficult children can really do a number on us. I do think it is time to stop doing more than she is. It is reasonable consequences that if she abuses the phone she looses it. Our difficult child's think we are bottomless pockets that they can just keep digging into for money and things. Until we show them in no uncertain terms that it isn't so they will continue their outrageous behavior toward us. -RM
  14. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Oh, I know you didn't!!! :)

    I talked to T-Mobile and they are now able to block the pay per use plan. All is good with that. I have been trying very hard to detach and it is much easier since she has gone completely silent on me again. She did post the other day that "she was at the bosnians house and going out to party wild out magic".....nice, whatever that is supposed to mean.....detach, detach, detach.....