Update- Everything I already Knew just reconfirmed

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by IKeepPraying, Mar 19, 2008.

  1. IKeepPraying

    IKeepPraying New Member


    Well today. one of my sons Friend's Mom came over with a small box. She said they had cleaned out her son's trunk and found several items. When confronted, he at first refused to say who it belonged to, but then told his parents. They came from my son...In the box- One of my digital camera's, my bracelet that I didn't even realize was gone because I hadn't worn it in a while. My husbands cufflinks, same thing, didn't realize that was gone either. I just wish my diamond earrings and my daugher's Tiffany's bracelet was in that box. I know 100% that he took those as well, because my earrings were in the same jewelry box as my bracelet he took. I guess in the back of my mind a very very small part of you thinks (or hopes) maybe I just misplaced it. But it was reconfirmed to me again today.

    My husband bought me those earrings about 11 years ago. He was so excited to give them to me. I remembered he surprised me with them for our anniversary.

    I know maybe I should call the police. But again, I guess apart of me is (hoping) that he is realizing he needs to change. My cousins said he doesnt appear to be on anything, she has been examining him daily. I already have the one arrest on him. Being an adult..with more charges on him it would be really hard for him to straighten out and go some where in life with a record. I am just going to tell the PO everything and push them to order Rehab....

    Thanks again for listening
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    OH, IkeepPraying, I know this hurts. Your heart wants to hope he will decide to get better on his own, while the problems are "manageable".

    Sweetie, the problems are already unmanageable. You were just faced with the fact that he is committing illegal acts against his family, the people who love him so very much, the people who would and have gone to bat for him so many times over the years. The betrayal alone is so stunningly painful you have a tough time processing it.

    He won't get help on his own yet. He won't get help for his substance abuse problems because he can "stop anytime he wants".

    You now have concrete proof of his theft. Please take the hard steps to call the police, to make him leave your home. It will only get worse from here if you let him stay at home.

    Your daughter is a powerless victim. YOU are her advocate also. You must take every step possible to protect HER.

    I am so very very sorry. It may be worth calling his other friends' parents, asking them to look for items you son may have sold/given to the friends for $$$ or substances.

    Many addicts are SO GOOD at "maintaining" that just observing them is NOT a good way to see if they are clean and sober. It just isn't. The drug counsellors at rehab tell us this.

    Please go to AlAnon, and take your daughter to AlaTeen. It will give you the tools and skills and support to do what you must to protect your family.


  3. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat


    You will be doing him a favor by calling the police. He will realize much faster exactly how serious his problem is if you do.

    By not calling the police, you are in complete denial.
  4. gottaloveem

    gottaloveem Active Member

    My son was doing heroin for months and I never knew. I didn't know till I overheard a phone call he was on, then admitting it to me a week or so later. I never in my wildest dreams would imagine he was on hard drugs.
  5. gottaloveem

    gottaloveem Active Member

    I would like to add that I am in now way insinuating that your son is doing heroin, I just am encouraging you to think outside of the box. When teens are acting out like your son is, there has got to be something behind it.

  6. IKeepPraying

    IKeepPraying New Member

    Susie Star-
    He actually is no longer living in my home. He has been out a week now(the day he turned 18). He already has charges against him, because I already had him arrested for drugs last month.
    There is no way he will ever step back into my home now.... I did talk to the officer that came out last month. He just said, change the locks and make sure he doesn't know the alarm code to my house. My experience with the police (as last month) getting them to arrest my son is like pulling teeth. They actually try to talk me out of it.

    Also, What you said makes so much sense to what my husband and I always said..Why can't you see the signs of the hard stuff? If he was on it, I would see more than just the couple of things I saw...I remember a few months back he broke out really bad all over his face, chest and back. It was the weirdest looking acne I ever saw. I told him, "your body is reacting to something" and of course he just rolled his eyes at me and walked away. A few other times, when he came home. I remember saying several times. Something isnt right with his eyes. I cant really explain what it was or point it out. But he was acting normal...So they CAN hide it? I wondered.
  7. gottaloveem

    gottaloveem Active Member

  8. mom_in_training

    mom_in_training New Member

    I agree with others here. You are not doing him any justice by not reporting this to the police. If anything you are enabling him to just stroll on and steal from others or possibly even you again. Hmmm, No consequences for theiving? He had better hope that he does not steal from the wrong person and unfortunately end up having to pay by getting brutally beaten if not killed. People in the real world are not as kind as yourself despite being a victim of his theiving, The reality is that you never know who your dealing with and trust me they will not be so kind.
  9. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Mom in training is right!

    Turn him in before someone takes matters into their own hands. If he steals from you, he will steal from anybody.
  10. IKeepPraying

    IKeepPraying New Member

    Here are my answers to that link...
    1. Neglected appearance/hygiene -YES
    2. Poor self image- not a chance, thinks he is the coolest around
    3. Grades dropping-More like DROP OUT
    4. Violent outbursts at home-YES
    5. Frequent use of Eye Wash-didn't notice this really only a couple of times 2 years ago
    6. Unexplained weight drop-NO nothing noticeable
    7. Drug Paraphernalia-YES
    8. Slurred speech-When he was obviously drunk
    9. Curfew violations-YES
    10. Running away-YES
    11. Skin abrasions- some, alot one time but went away after a couple of weeks
    12. Hostility towards family members-YES
    13. Chemical breath-Ummm NO, never noticed anything like that
    14.Glassy eyes-Always noticed something strange, but couldnt pin point it
    15.Red eyes-sometimes
    16.Valuables Missing-HELLO...YES
    17. Possessing unexplained valuables-YES
    18. Stealing/borrowing money-YES
    19.Change in friends-added some questionable characters
    20. Depression-YES
    21. Withdrawal-YES
    23.Reckless Behavior-YES
    24.No Concern about future-YES
    25. Defiles Family Values-YES
    26. Disrespectful to parents-YES
    27. Lying/Deception-YES
    28. Sneaky behavior-YES
    29. Disregards Consequences-YES
    30. Loss of Interest in healthy activities-YES along time ago
    31. Verbally abusive-YES
    32. Manipulative/Self-Centered-YES
    33. Lack of Motivation-YES
    34. Truancy-YES

    I was aware of most of these signs however, I guess I expected him to look like those druggies on COPS or something, all tweaking. The last day he was here, in the morning I was talking to him and I got the impression he was saying things out loud that he didnt mean to. Like he would say something and then when I would respond to it, he would say "what". That was the only time I saw that..it was kinda weird. I don't know I guess a part of me is still in that denial stage....I just don't know what to do with it anymore. I'm so tired and emotionally drained. Honestly, I really dont think it would make much of a difference for this reason. He had been arrested before for 2 FELONIES, stealing a car and taking a large knife to school. I thought that would wake him up but it didnt...He just got worse. This would be just another slap on the hand and go nowhere, I think I am just going to tell the Probation office and let them do what they need to with it.
  11. mom_in_training

    mom_in_training New Member

    "I just don't know what to do with it anymore" Protect you, Your family, Your home. And know that if you do file a police report that you are doing the right thing by not enabling him to continue this destructive behavior. He will ultimatey be the one to suffer the serious consequences for his bad choices and you know some do learn from that if they get caught doing the bad deeds . I have been there done that with my difficult child minus the felonies or any arrests (Thank god its in the past). Its like mental torture for us Moms and Dads and exausting just trying to keep up with our troubled difficult children but we somehow manage to keep going regardless. When we were going through her bad phase I let her know straight up that I was Anti-Drug and if I found anything on her or within my home I would call the police with no hesitation.
  12. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    It is mental torture. Since my son has been in jail I have been able to think. I never wanted him to die in my home or his home. I was providing a great place for him to continue using drugs - go get high and then we would let him in when he came home. I do see that they need help maybe doctor help but when they refuse to get the help then what? I didnt want to help my son die - so I had to do things that I never would have done - when he was born if I looked at what I have done to try and help him now I wouldnt be able to believe I was the same person. You will do anything to save their lives even put them out.
  13. mom_in_training

    mom_in_training New Member

    Tough love is not at all easy but in the end it is the right thing to do and very well could be what saves a life. For me it was mentally torturing but not so much that I allowed for it to take my life over. I had to just deal with it in my own way and move on and continue doing what I do with her brothers daily care without faultering, He is severely disabled and he requires hands on for his every need. I just kept telling myself that I cannot let it get the best of me and of course staying busy helped allot too.
  14. NOLA

    NOLA New Member


    Just wanted to let you know that I totally understand. I haven’t posted much lately but I do check in and read what others are up to. We are basically in the same situation but our son won’t be 18 till December. You want so hard not to face the reality of what they are doing and where they are headed everything becomes blurred and distorted. I don’t know, but if you tell the probation officer wouldn’t they in turn be obligated to pass that info along to the courts, etc.? Wouldn’t the consequences be the same?

    I agree with the others that shielding them from the real world does nothing but harm. by the way I’m writing this to you and me :faint:
  15. gottaloveem

    gottaloveem Active Member

    That sure is a lot of Yes'. I am so sorry. This must be extremely distressing. I know it is so hard to call the cops on him. I know you don't want him to have a record, I know you are thinking of his future career. However, if he is on drugs, you may not have to worry about his future career because he will blow it for himself. He needs to face the consequences for his actions of stealing. He will keep it up till it gets worse. I agree with the others that people outside of the family wont be understanding if he rips them off.
  16. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending supportive thoughts and hugs your way. Each of us has to make the decisions that we believe are best for our difficult children. To me it seems like you have "sent the message" by removing him from your home and previously reporting him to the police. Any further steps on your part have to come from your heart and your brain. You will have support here no matter what choices you make. DDD
  17. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I understand why you don't want to report the theft at this time. About the only reason I can think of for doing it would be to get your property on the pawn shop lists so that you have a small chance of retrieval. From what you have said and already done, you're doing the right thing for you and that's what is important.

    Many hugs. If I could ease your pain even a little, I'd happily do so. All any of us can do is be here for you when you need us.
  18. IKeepPraying

    IKeepPraying New Member

    I thought about that. But dont I have to have information regarding my earrings? I dont think I even have a picture of them,let alone paper work on it. They were purchased 11 years ago. I should have the paperwork on the Tiffany's bracelet. My daughter is only ten (yes, she is the only 10 year old we know with a Tiffany's bracelet LOL) but she got it for her 10th birthday and LOVED it and took good care of it...She is really sad about it, but I know if I called the police out about it...it would probably devastate her. She still loves her brother but is just SO hurt with him. I am at the point that even though I find myself consumed with my sons addiction I am trying to move on with life for them, I think it is just SOOO selfish of my son to have brought this in their lives. They are such good kids, never cause any problems, get good grades, very respectful, they just dont deserve this.

    Sometimes I think just to heal her own little broken heart. I should go buy another and just say LOOK I found it!....
  19. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    If it helps, remember this.

    When your son stole from you and your daughter, it was not your son. It was his addiction. An addict will do anything for his next hit.

    Addiction is SO powerful. It consumes you. He was not in his right mind when he did it.

    The day will come when he gets clean and he will realize just how hurtful he was to you and his sister. He will be able to make amends then.

    Pray really hard for him. He will be my prayer for the addict who still suffers at my AA meeting this weekend. Go to AlAnon. Reach out for that help. And keep posting here.
  20. IKeepPraying

    IKeepPraying New Member

    I looked up Al-Alnon, the only near me is in spanish...LOL everything else is really far away...Beside Beautiful boy which I just started reading yesterday. Is there a book out there for that