Update from "strength" post...

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by DDD, Sep 21, 2008.

  1. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the always dependable support. I needed it and the strength that came with it.

    GFGmom has convinced difficult child (a senior and soon to turn 18) to stay at her
    house and "they" will overcome the deficit that has resulted from him staying with her for the past two months. I am angry. I am very sad and very worried. husband drove to GFGmom's house and took difficult child for a ride. "Mom and I are doing fine and I do NOT want to come back to your house." "I don't feel loved there."

    I had exchanged emails with GFGmom explaining that staying at our house on school nights would be in his best interest. She disagrees. The school
    ESE teacher (he only has one ESE class now....was all ESE when he came to live with us 8 years ago!) says he smells of cat urine, he is drawing on his body like he used to a few years ago, he is making animal noises, he is
    disrespectful. All that in addition to have two F's and 1 D in his classes.
    He has had a B average for two years. The head counselor said "thank God you are taking him back" when I spoke to them Friday...even the school psychologist is rather gravely concerned.

    GFGmom is GFGmom. She wants "to prove she can be a good Mother".
    WTH.....or the stronger abbreviation! I told her "NOW is not the time to prove yourself. He will graduate in May with a good GPA and be ready for
    the next step in maturing staying at our 'boring' house. You can prove yourself to be a good Mom with your little girl, with difficult child on the weekends
    and after he graduates if he chooses to live with you...you can prove it for the rest of your life."

    She replied "He is MY son. He is HAPPY here. He is not coming back to your house."

    Following husband's visit with difficult child, we decided to give it up. difficult child turns 18 in October and I "know" GFGmom will get him to take control her way. I can
    use my Durable Power of Attorney to fight it in court. I could easily call HRS. I could have her arrested for taking money. The bottom line is that
    she has him and I don't.

    Are you ready for a shock? Yes, those of you who have known me for
    eight years plus. I wrote her an email and I said with total sincerity. "I
    have spent 44 years giving everything I had to foster your growth. I have
    worked with you for 21 years trying to supplement your parenting. I have
    taken difficult child who was almost completely disfunctional and nurtured him into
    a fairly successful young man. You have no regard for anyone but you. I
    no longer want you to telephone my house or my store. I no longer will read any emails from you. I want to be removed as your emergency contact. I am through."

    Yep.........I did it. GFGmom is out of my life. difficult child knows how to find me if he wants to. I am off the rollercoaster that started in l964 with a baby who was different. I divorced my husband because he wanted to beat sense into her or put her away. I sold my house to get money for her to go to a special school. I left my hometown because she was hanging out with troubled people and moved to a city I have disliked for thirty years. We used what little retirement we had to buy her a house (joint with us) so her two sons would be in a safe secure environment. Etc. ETc. Etc.

    I am angry BUT there is a huge relief in knowing I don't have to see her again. Phew/Whew. DDD

    PS: Re easy child/difficult child and driving. He is 21 and deemed capable of driving. I
    can only try to control vehicle use....but I understand Stella.
  2. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Sometimes 3D all we can do is pray for the best outcome and move on. Hopefully difficult child will make it. I doubt it, considering the circumstances, but maybe he will bank on what you have taught him and gfgmom will not be such a detriment to your hard work. The sad thing is he deserves to be with you. He just doesn't know it yet. She wants him there to "show" the world what a good mother she is and probably to collect extra in whatever the latest govt incentive is. My biomom wanted to be a mother, she just never could get it together---was that out of ignorance or narcissism or a combination? I see a big correlation in her and Wtiz's L and your difficult child. It's sad that nothing will ever change them.
  3. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I'm so very, very sorry. I understand cutting off your daughter. I'm honestly surprised you didn't do it a long time ago. Some people are toxic. She's not only toxic, she's dangerous in that she harms her children for her own gains.

    I hope that one day your grandson will realize just how much you do love him and how hard you have worked to help him. For now, it sounds like there's little you can do. You might want to whisper in the school's ear that they are mandated reporters and kids should not be coming to school smelling of cat urine. They're witnesses to this, you're not.

    Many hugs.
  4. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    Am so sorry DDD for all of the lost ground for your gs. Honestly, I don't know how you kept yourself from going over and knocking her head off her shoulders and knocking it two blocks down the road

    Its sad that you had to cut her off, but I totally understand - am only a few inches away of being done, done stick me with a fork kinda done the my oldest.Yours and mine both seem oblivious to the fact that eventually there is limit to the craziness one puts up with.

    Many cyber hugs..

  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im with the others DDD, just so sorry it has come to this. Dont blame you in the least. Hope difficult child wakes up before all is lost.
  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I would have bet the house and the business that I would be right BUT I hoped I was wrong. She told difficult child (17) AND GFGgirl (ADHD, Anxiety and repeating K, age 6) "WE are no longer welcome at your grandparents. WE will be OK......so don't worry!"

    I "knew she would do it"...doesn't even cover the breadth of my anger.

    Meanwhile, difficult child showed up at the store after school "to talk". He told me he would come home if Grandad and I really thought he had to "BUT my Mom really can't function without me". Geez, Louise.

    THEN, those of you are divorced will appreciate this, "Mommy called and talked to Grampa about it". Do you all remember Grampa is the one that wanted to put her in an institution when she was 3, tried to beat the ADHD out of her............and only visited with her at best twice a year
    although he lived in the same town. HOLEY MOLEY!!

    I'm headed home and for the first time in a week or two...I'm pouring a Cutty when I walk in the door. :mad:

  7. Wishing

    Wishing New Member

    You have had a super rough ride with difficult child mom. IShe doesn't get it. I just hope she doesn't drag down gs with her. He sounds on the ball. Even to have the empathy to tell you "she can't function without me". He has maturity beyond his years. I would feel a stab in the heart with her calling gpa. We have to be self - protective of giving. You need time to be restored. You need to give to yourself as much as you have given to her.
  8. Stella Johnson

    Stella Johnson Active Member

    Oh boy... gfgmom just never stops. I really hope difficult child moves back in with you. I would hate to see him throw away his senior year.:(

    I had forgotten easy child/difficult child was 21... for some reason I kept thinking he was younger than difficult child.

    You should show difficult child the email so that he understands you were only speaking to gfgmom and not difficult child.

    What a mess. I would probably be drinking too.:faint:

  9. Genny

    Genny Worlds Best Nana

    I just saw this. It sounds like difficult child really wants to come back, but he's being pressured not to. All you can do is let him know he's welcome any time, and that his mother somehow managed to function without him for the past 44 years.:highvoltage:

    Aw cripes, I'll have a drink with you, DDD. Good for you for finally detaching... unfortunately your hands are tied regardless and difficult child is going to have to make a choice, whether he's capable of making the right one or not. I'm praying that he chooses the place where he does feel loved.


  10. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    Just wanted to chime in and say....Geeze, Louise and Holey Moley too!! Oh DDD, so sorry for the latest bad drama. Many (((((HUGS))))) and prayers being sent!!

  11. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Pony, we are already on the next chapter of "Life for DDD". Yikes. DDD
  12. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Hoping things are better with you. I know he will come home eventually, I just hope its not too late to salvage his life.
  13. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    All we ever want is the best for our children. The difficult child's of the world are hard to parent. You did your best, and continue to do your best... you can't do any more than that. You know everything you've done to help her, and her kids. She may never know, but you never gave up. Don't feel bad for ending things with her, it needed to be done. Have a big drink and enjoy it. You're off the merry-go-round!-Alyssa
  14. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I second the idea of reminding the school they are mandatory reporters. (In my state this is a personal responsiblity, not an organizational one, meaning that the indiv is responsible, not the school but the teacher kind of thing).

    I think cutting gfgmom off is incredibly wise.

    I think letting difficult child grandson know he can come back and you think it is wise and she has done well with-o him for many years would be good, but only say it ONCE. After that, it is up to him.

    PLEASE make sure that difficult child doesn't have keys to the house or store. If he has them, gfgmom has them. And she will come and steal. Or vandalize because she is mad, or whatever. Change the locks, let difficult child know that you will ALWAYS open the door for him, but that you can't let him have a key while he lives with her. It is only self-protection.

    Hugs, and I am so sorry.