Update...it's been a year

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by tishthedish, Dec 30, 2016.

  1. tishthedish

    tishthedish Active Member

    Hi all,
    Nice to be back with some good news and situations resolved. My son regained full custody of my 6-year old autistic GS in late fall full time. I have backed out of all care and involvement with the school (which was like a full time job in itself). Son is handling everything. It is a lot for him and I worry about his recovery, but I have to work my program and let him take care of himself. The bottom line is, where he is concerned, we are a lot better off than we were last year at this time. Lots of blessings in this area of our lives.

    We've had our share of heartache too. My Godson/40 year old nephew passed in August. It was an OD. We knew he was alcoholic, but had no idea of the drug use. Failure to thrive x100. We are still in shock and are raw from the hurt. I ache for my sister and brother in law. They are forever scarred by this loss. It's unspeakable. We are all doing the best we can.

    Our elder son is still not medicated. He had been on parole and living first in a half way house, then a shelter and finally a ministry that specialized in giving ex-offenders a hand up. It was a great program but elder son chafed at the structure. Still, it fulfilled a parole requirement and the parole board said no to the shelter. He had to have an address. So we were hoping that this place would open him up to getting medical attention, procure a job and get an apartment. THEY PROVIDE THIS. He doesn't avail himself of any of their services. Regardless, we were having a cordial relationship through the spring and summer until the funeral of my nephew, his first cousin, where elder son stands up in the middle of the prayers/services and said that his cousin didn't believe in God or Jesus Christ and he doesn't either. My younger son kept me in my seat. Our parish priest (who knows all about all of us) thanked him and continued. The rest of the weekend he was withdrawn and went back to the ministry on the following day. I found out the next week he sent a lurid text to my niece, another first cousin who is a few years younger than him. I thought maybe someone hacked his phone, but no. It was written while he was at my house the day of the funeral. I went with my niece to get an order of protection filled out against him. We haven't heard from him since. He is off parole, moved out of the ministry and I believe is living in a shelter where he has to leave a the crack of dawn and then can go back at night. As of now I will not engage in any relationship with him until he is medicated and has made amends. He isn't reaching out either. He knows how bad what he did is. I think he does anyway.

    So, things are not solved, or simple, but I am getting through it. I am trying to find joy in each day and some days I spend searching for it like a set of misplaced keys. But, I feel if I let myself even for a moment, slip into abject sorrow, I will never emerge. I don't know if there is enough healing in the world to deal with the stuff of 2016, but I have my faith and I need to keep a laser focus on what's good and right and right in front of me, one day at a time. Love to you all. I'll check around and catch up with you.
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  2. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    Hello- I'm sorry son got so far then back slid. Unfortunately this happens quite often for many Difficult Child's. It sounds like you did the right thing in order of protection on him. He owns whatever he did to cause this action on your end.

    Know that you have done everything right and it is son's walk. Not yours. He has food, a bed, shelter at night. You can't let yourself get caught up in his decisions. We will always worry about our Difficult Child's but we can't allow ourselves to let it consume our lives. Enjoy the good news about other son who got custody of his son. Sorry to hear about godson's death. Hoping that 2017 will bring healing.
     
  3. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Tish. I am only now seeing this thread because I did a search for you, after seeing you post on another thread.

    I am so very sorry about your godson, your nephew. And for his parents.
    With this quote you give me the possibility of a big hand up. I have been sinking and sinking back into depression.

    Every time I sink back my hopelessness grows. It feels like I fall to a deeper and deeper level, each time I sink back again, and I am uncertain why.

    I define success by meeting head on and working through tasks: like organizing my house and organizing my life. My whole life seems just a chore and I do not want to get up from bed. What is the point? If life is just a chore. I feel alienated from all of my strengths. (Because I was never a good organizer, I am defining for myself my value, based only in as organizing. I see this solipsism. I feel incapable of escaping from the wheel.)

    And then I saw this thread, and your quote. I feel I am in that abject sorrow state. That I have gone below where I cannot get out.

    Honestly, I do not know how I got here. Except that I feel it must be willful.

    Searching for joy each day, feeling like sometimes looking for misplaced keys.

    How I get that. How this makes sense. This is a decision that can be made. It does not necessitate that I find them. But that I search. Even if the whole day is a frenzied search for joy, not found. The intent is to find it: To find those keys.

    It gives the possibility of purpose. Of hope. Because somewhere there are keys. I can decide define myself as looking, searching. Not as somebody who at one point in time, has not found them, and as such: failed.

    Thank you, Tess. This makes sense to me.

    So glad you are back.
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Your Priest handled the outburst like a champ.

    Tish good to hear from you and hoping you keep improving, even if your children still struggle
     
  5. tishthedish

    tishthedish Active Member

    Really missed all of you. I am glad to be back. You all taught me so much and brought me through the darkest of times.
     
  6. tishthedish

    tishthedish Active Member

    Copa,
    I posted something on the other thread for you. Maybe I should have put it here, but it is on the one we talked about Al-anon online meetings.
     
  7. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Tish, I found it.

    Thank you.