Update of nothing new

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by meowbunny, Apr 8, 2008.

  1. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    The last time I saw my daughter was when I delivered the dining room set to her. It was also the last time I heard from her. She broke her phone in the move so I can't even leave her a message. I refuse to go to her work like a supplicant. So, I have no clue if she has a job, how things are going in the apartment, nothing.

    I know I'll hear from her if she gets into real dire straits. I might hear from her before that if she gets her act together enough to get her cat.

    In the meantime, I fret, I shed an occasional tear and, most of all, I get along with my life.

    Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) truly stinks. I know the steps she'll take. I know the manipulations. I know her games intimately. Your typical kid moves out, works on getting some semblance of life together and then calls home to say hi, etc. A Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) kid lets you hang as long as humanly possible. It really is out of sight, out of mind. The only time I will hear anything is when she wants or needs something. Even then, she'll see if she can con stuff from others first. There's always a chance I'll make her work for things here ... like make her come and get them.

    So, basically, nothing new in this neck of the woods. Just the same old worries and frustrations.
  2. ChefPaula1965

    ChefPaula1965 Oh my aching back!!

    These CD kids are something else, aren't they??
    Hope you hear from her soon...
  3. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    See this is EXACTLY what I think about Dude's behaviors. Albeit I do not consider him Holier than thou - Sometimes his sense of entitlement is outrageously ridiculous. (Perhaps he does think of himself as a deity??)

    But what I'm trying to figure out is:

    When they are GONE for so long like your daughter and then ONLY return when they need us - if we don't give in - do we loose total contact with them? Are we being petty and somewhat vindictive?

    Should we just cut them slack because we so want to belong in their lives that we just say "Whatever" and get the crumbs of attention they are giving?

    Then I think...
    Do they KNOW they are tossing out crumbs? Do they really think they are blessing us with their presence or is it all just normal to them? With Dude if he's gone a while and then calls and I state any deviation from our normal "HI how are you, how is life, tell me all about it?" it comes off as I don't care.

    I do care - I just am stuck between -
    Do I care enough about myself to forgive my feelings and detach emotionally? Do I care SO much about him that I just 'eat' my emotions and wipe the slate clean again?

    That's my quandry now. I want to be a part of his life, but those words Option/Priority keep resonating in my head and I think today "Nope - I'm going to show you what it feels like to be snubbed ;like you do me." and then I hear about a tragedy in a family and I wonder if I'm just being petty, that I should appreciate whatever time I get with him because he's not treating me like he is on purpose.

    If I knew for sure he was treating me like this - I would be done. I swear I walk away 10 times a day. Then this emotional parent/child bond grabs ahold of my ankles and drags me back to "You KNOW he can't help be like he is." yet another part of me thinks "I don't see him be like this with his friends." then another voice chimes in and says "Sure he is like that with his friends - they just are newer to the game and ignore it."

    I think I'm going nuts sometimes when I try to figure out if he's taking advantage of me and I should walk off until he figures out I'm to be treated nicer - and ten minutes later I think "He couldn't POSSIBLY treat me like this and have a normal thinking brain." :biting:

    ARGH - dilema #353,697
  4. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Star, here's how I work it after going through this game a few times. I will be friendly on the phone, just as I would talking to most people. I'll hear what she wants/needs and, if it is convenient to me, my schedule, my frame of mind, I'll help out. I will not get up early for her. I will not take her somplace unless I'm going the same way already. I will not go out of my way for her.

    I will not be petty. I will treat her as an acquaintance I like and do pretty much what I would do for any acquaintance. If she ever makes the effort to be my daughter, not just a convenience, I will once again become her mother -- the woman that would die for her, give her everything I humanly can -- but until she treats me like a mother (calling at least once a week, not asking for something every time she calls, offers to help out if she thinks I might need it, be here for holidays), she is my beloved acquaintance.

    Would I like to do more? Of course I would. I adore this child/woman. I would truly die for her if I thought it would save her some pain. What I will not do any longer is give up my soul for her. I will try to not be vindictive -- tit for tat has never worked. I will try to not start on the recriminations -- she takes them that I'm trying to guilt trip her. I will try to stay friendly but distant, much like when she was a tenant in my home. It worked then, maybe it will work now.

    I wish you luck. The pain of doing this is no fun and is not how it should be, but there doesn't seem to be any other choice -- if I fall into mommy role, I get hurt too badly and feel too used. If I try to treat her as she does me, I know she'll simply not call again. That is truly unbearable. So, friendly is it.

  5. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Oh MB, I am so sorry. I hurt for you, and try not to project this onto myself. Tink is not Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), but she'd be one to cease contact until/unless she needed me.

    I know you. I know that you are getting on with your life. But I know that a part of you hurts.

    Kisses to that part.
  6. ChefPaula1965

    ChefPaula1965 Oh my aching back!!

    Andre, also is like this.............
    I don't think they purposely say... "let me ignor mom until I need something"... I think it is more like "I couldn't care less right now... " ... which is worse??? them being vindictive or us being the LAST THING ON THEIR MIND until something comes up and they need mom....
    With these sociopathic behaviors, loved ones are put on the "back burner"... they know that when they do contact us there will be at least some type of "what are you doing with your life" question even though it may only be presumed... we may not even say anything... and though "guilty feelings" is not realy in their vocabulary.. they may be concerned that we would try to send them on a guilt trip...
    I am still trying to make sense of all of this........ the behavior now is even more erratic than when he was a child........ and some how.... the lack of relationship with Andre is making me question my whole motherhood.......... GUILTY FEELINGS is a part of our vocabulary...
    I hate the "what could I have done differently.... should I send him money.... maybe I should allow him to come home... and promise not to call the authorities....."
    Some how as mothers of the difficult children our thinking is also somewhat warped.... the thoughts of it some how being our fault is imposed upon us by a society who doesn't understand and who automatilly says... bad behavior in a child is a result of bad parenting... somehow.. we sometimes buy into this... IT IS A LIE!!!
    My heart greives for Andre... though life with him was far from easy... our status as mothers leads us to continue nurturing and sometimes the line between love and tough love become a HUGE gray area..............
    These are just my ramblings because I am in the same type of position...
    hugs to all
  7. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I understand and feel your pain MB----I, too, have had to suppress the mommy in me. I'm nice enough, cordial---but somehow, I might have a job, I think I'll finish probation this week, doesn't make me want to jump for joy. I want more---I long for more. I want a real relationship---but until I'm seen as more than a bank, I won't allow myself to have one.
  8. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Sadly for me, my daughter has actually admitted she doesn't call to punish me. Same when she won't answer her phone -- she doesn't want to hear what I have to say. It has always been this way ... if she knows I am going to be angry, upset or even just mildly disappointed, she will run. Her logic seems to be that if I get Mom worried enough, I won't get in trouble. Has never worked, but she's gotta try, I guess.

    Before she moved out, we talked about her lack of calling when she had left in the past. She admitted she didn't call because she was mad that I wasn't more accepting of her choices. Um, you joined a carny!!! Just how accepting should I be. You lived in a two-bedroom apartment with 6 adults and 4 kids and who knows how many cockroaches. I should accept this why? So, she doesn't call in the hopes I'll worry enough to be happy to hear from her. I told her that one day that was totally going to backfire and I was going to put myself first and protect me from the hurt or she was going to do it to someone she cared about and they were going to walk out of her life. "Yeah, I know, Mom." Glad the talk made a difference.

    I do understand that most kids when they finally spread their wings do put parents on the back burner for awhile. That's normal and that's the way it should be. However, for Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) kids it's different. It isn't just for awhile. It can and frequently is forever. It hurts.

    I envy those who at least hear from the kids. You may not like hearing your daughter is a stripper or pregnant or your son is probably going to be (or is) arrested or AWOL, but at least they call. You know they're alive. The only way I know is if I call her friends, go to her place of work, find a way to track her down. Otherwise, I really won't know unless I get lucky in that she'll really need or want something.

    Right now my saving grace is that I have her beloved cat and I'm hoping she will miss the cat enough to want to come get it. She did ask if I could bring it to her when I delivered the furniture. I simply told her that Brat Cat needed two people to keep her calm in a car, so I couldn't do it.

    Oh, well, the waiting will go on. I'll survive.

    SONS GONE WILD Moms goin' crazy

    MB . . . my heart goes out to you. You seem like a very strong person. I hope one day your difficult child will realize how immature she's been and the two of you can move on from this phase. My difficult child still lives at home . . . in outpatient rehab . . . but thinks he's entitled to everything . . . money for cigs, money for movies, money to go out to eat . . . few rules, etc. etc. - after all, he's "going to rehab." He thinks he's so entitled just 'cause he's in rehab!

    Keep taking care of yourself (I'm trying to do the same.)
  10. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I'd like to offer a bit of input here, I dunno if it will help or not. But the above quote reminded me of myself and my mother when I was still in my 20's. Now I was a difficult child, but not really a huge deal with it by then.

    I understand what you're daughter is saying because I also said it to my Mom. And I didn't mean it to hurt, honestly I didn't. At that age I was dead set on making my own decisions. Period. Good or bad. I thought as an "adult" I shouldn't have to listen to what I liked to call "flak" from my Mom. After all it was my life, right? So if I was doing things (not necessarily bad things) I didn't think she'd approve of, I put off contact because I didn't want to hear it.

    Twenty years later I know what pain and worry I caused her. But that was never my intention. In my own way I was attempting to find my identity as an adult. And being that age I thought I had all of the answers and had a nasty habit of learning life lessons the hard way.

    As I matured, though, I slowly grew to develop an adult relationship with my Mom. Which is good since we had a horrible one when I was growing up. And as I matured I just sort of drifted back to her. We're not buddy buddies, but it is a caring relationship with respect.

    The situation might not be the same. But in your daughter's case it might not be too far off. So maybe as she matures and gets some life lessons under her belt she'll begin to drift back, too.

    I'm so sorry that it hurts so much.

  11. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    Hi MB,
    I am so sorry for your pain, wish I could wave a magic wand and make it go away. Hugs to you,
  12. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I have to wonder if this is where Miss KT and I will be in a year or so. Even now, she's only nice when she wants something from us, and she can't bring herself to be even borderline polite to Hubby. She has said more than once that she has no family.