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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 632790" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Esri...as painful as it is, let her go for now. It may escalate and it may not, but you have no control over it. Esri, we adopted a child at age six from another country and he was our golden boy, always doing everything right, incredibly brilliant, handsome and personable. Esri, after he met a particular overly religious woman (I don't know any Christian who believes the way they do...not even the Amish), he cut off his entire family and acts now like he is better than us and that we abused him. It came out of nowhere. I have two grandchildren, legally at least, I will never see. It took me two years to work this out and not cry when I heard his name.</p><p></p><p>I am not saying your daughter will do the same thing. I am saying that no matter how hard you try, you can't change her mindset right now. Why she is doing it doesn't really matter. It is not something you can fix. I found out, way too late, that my attempts to reach out just alienated my son further and guaranteed he'd never come back. He found fault with all my correspondence and even scanned all my letters to him into his computer to remind him of...what? We had a good relaqtionship too and then this happened. Sadly, this DOES happen and it either works it's way out or not. I am guessing your daughter is doing things you would be very angry or upset about and doesn't want to deal with your over-interest in her or have to think about how you'd react if you found out. She may be d oing things way beyond pot and other things too that you can't imagine she would ever do. Or she may just want distance and does not feel the need to share why. Maybe you always told her your two cents and she is done with that. Maybe you always tell her your two cents and right now it makes her feel guilty. Whatever t he reason, this is not something you can force.</p><p></p><p>Family is really no different than any relationship, except often it brings up very strong emotions in us. Some people, just like their acquaintances, are have tight families. Some have dysfunctional families...good one day, bad the next. Some are enmeshed...too much in each other's business, which often causes one of the enmeshed to bail out and say "enough." Some are truly happy with their family members (my feeling is this is the extreme minority). I detached from my sister and don't miss her anymore. I feel I had a very good reason not to keep her in my life and she is my own DNA. I don't put much faith in DNA because there is no guarantee that it will make anyone get along well.</p><p></p><p>If you are not in therapy, I highly recommend it. That's where I got the courage to go on with my life and let my son do what he wants to do. I may never hear from him again, and that's ok now. I'm used to it and, yes, even comfortable with it. I can't control it. I have other loved ones who want me in their lives so I focus on that. You must have other loved ones too who need you and want you to be the best YOU you can be. Friends count as people who love you, if they do.</p><p></p><p>I am really sorry she is doing this, bu t I have heard of it happening a lot more than I ever dreamed since being on this site. It is not that rare. Also, now that I'm mindful about this issue, I am not longer surprised when people tell me they haven't seen theilr twin brother in twelve years (this is true and not hypothetical) or that they were disowned by Auntie Judy or that cousin Pat is spreading nasty rumors about them or that Johnny left his family because he could.</p><p></p><p>Please do get therapy. And get a therapist who will focus on YOU, not on your daughter. You can't change her. She will do her life walk her own way and you need to start your walk in a new direction that focuses on YOU, because YOU are an important person who does not deserve to be treated like junk. You can have good times even with your daughter acting this way, but you have to do the hard work we all did to learn to detach.</p><p></p><p>Hugs for your hurting mommy heart.</p><p></p><p>PS--Her graduation money is hers to waste. It was a gift. Hereafter, maybe cut off the money train.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 632790, member: 1550"] Esri...as painful as it is, let her go for now. It may escalate and it may not, but you have no control over it. Esri, we adopted a child at age six from another country and he was our golden boy, always doing everything right, incredibly brilliant, handsome and personable. Esri, after he met a particular overly religious woman (I don't know any Christian who believes the way they do...not even the Amish), he cut off his entire family and acts now like he is better than us and that we abused him. It came out of nowhere. I have two grandchildren, legally at least, I will never see. It took me two years to work this out and not cry when I heard his name. I am not saying your daughter will do the same thing. I am saying that no matter how hard you try, you can't change her mindset right now. Why she is doing it doesn't really matter. It is not something you can fix. I found out, way too late, that my attempts to reach out just alienated my son further and guaranteed he'd never come back. He found fault with all my correspondence and even scanned all my letters to him into his computer to remind him of...what? We had a good relaqtionship too and then this happened. Sadly, this DOES happen and it either works it's way out or not. I am guessing your daughter is doing things you would be very angry or upset about and doesn't want to deal with your over-interest in her or have to think about how you'd react if you found out. She may be d oing things way beyond pot and other things too that you can't imagine she would ever do. Or she may just want distance and does not feel the need to share why. Maybe you always told her your two cents and she is done with that. Maybe you always tell her your two cents and right now it makes her feel guilty. Whatever t he reason, this is not something you can force. Family is really no different than any relationship, except often it brings up very strong emotions in us. Some people, just like their acquaintances, are have tight families. Some have dysfunctional families...good one day, bad the next. Some are enmeshed...too much in each other's business, which often causes one of the enmeshed to bail out and say "enough." Some are truly happy with their family members (my feeling is this is the extreme minority). I detached from my sister and don't miss her anymore. I feel I had a very good reason not to keep her in my life and she is my own DNA. I don't put much faith in DNA because there is no guarantee that it will make anyone get along well. If you are not in therapy, I highly recommend it. That's where I got the courage to go on with my life and let my son do what he wants to do. I may never hear from him again, and that's ok now. I'm used to it and, yes, even comfortable with it. I can't control it. I have other loved ones who want me in their lives so I focus on that. You must have other loved ones too who need you and want you to be the best YOU you can be. Friends count as people who love you, if they do. I am really sorry she is doing this, bu t I have heard of it happening a lot more than I ever dreamed since being on this site. It is not that rare. Also, now that I'm mindful about this issue, I am not longer surprised when people tell me they haven't seen theilr twin brother in twelve years (this is true and not hypothetical) or that they were disowned by Auntie Judy or that cousin Pat is spreading nasty rumors about them or that Johnny left his family because he could. Please do get therapy. And get a therapist who will focus on YOU, not on your daughter. You can't change her. She will do her life walk her own way and you need to start your walk in a new direction that focuses on YOU, because YOU are an important person who does not deserve to be treated like junk. You can have good times even with your daughter acting this way, but you have to do the hard work we all did to learn to detach. Hugs for your hurting mommy heart. PS--Her graduation money is hers to waste. It was a gift. Hereafter, maybe cut off the money train. [/QUOTE]
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