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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 702775" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Actually, it kind of stuns me that he would be so limited in his impression-management skills that after the extreme hurtfulness and deliberately destructive things he has done that he would approach you with such neutrality.</p><p></p><p>Or is it something different? A complete and utter lack of awareness or responsibility for what he does to other people.</p><p></p><p>This will hardly be reassuring but your son has been notable in his cruelty--towards parents who have been uniformly loving and responsible people--it seems to me.</p><p></p><p>This is not about my own child who is now living with me. But about my sister with whom I have almost forever had a difficult relationship. I fear her.</p><p></p><p>She was always opportunistic, vengeful, self-serving, with the capacity for cruelty. I intervened near the end of my mother's life to protect her, and to a lesser extent myself. The particulars of what my sister had done, that so frightened me, are no longer important. But I summoned strength I did not have to do the right thing.</p><p></p><p>In the year before my mother died my sister would not speak to my mother, see her, or speak to me. Everything I handled myself, with M, my partner.</p><p></p><p>I had been stunned by my sister's choices--this was a mother that had always supported her, helped her with her children, financed her, and favored her. And my sister utterly rejected her and her welfare.</p><p></p><p>The upshot: my sister blames me. A birthday email I sent (on her last two birthdays I sent a short note, hoping she was well), she rejected with the request that I not contact her again because of the way I treated her before our mother's death.</p><p></p><p>My point here (besides trying to find solace for myself) is to say that self-serving, cruelty comes in all kinds of packages. My sister is successful and apparently esteemed.</p><p></p><p>Try to be strong. You have done every single thing right. You tried and you tried and you tried. Nobody can make somebody do the right thing. Goodness is not rewarded by anything other than our own relationship with G-d and to ourselves. If we are truly blessed we have a mate or a friend with who we can be ourselves. That is what I have come to believe.</p><p></p><p>I feel pain for the hard-heartedness of your son. His path he has chosen for years and years and he does not deviate. The hope for him is that this path becomes fruitless and barren, and he is forced to look at himself. There is always hope that this may occur, one day. But at this point it has but not one thing to do with your husband and yourself.</p><p></p><p>You know that there are all kinds of resources of which he can avail himself. He chooses not to because to do so means some kind of compromise and cooperation that he does not want to extend. His choice. Again, nothing to do with you.</p><p></p><p>You and he and your husband are adults, and as such, equals. He is as responsible for you and your welfare as you are for us, actually more. That he feels no shame reveals exactly his state of mind.</p><p></p><p>I think the block is appropriate. I would do this, too. I would try to remember that restricting contact with him, is best for him, as he chooses to relate to other people in an opportunistic way.</p><p></p><p>In this way my sister has the same set of choices, believing that interactions with me potentially harm her, rightly or wrongly (or did she just take a killing shot--because she could?). Justified, or not, this is her right. We are adults now, and free to choose who we are and want to be. That goes for your son, and for you. And for my sister, too.</p><p></p><p>Somehow that helps me. It's all OK. No fault. No blame. Except the problem is, that is not how our loved ones think. But that is OK, too.</p><p></p><p>We must protect ourselves.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 702775, member: 18958"] Actually, it kind of stuns me that he would be so limited in his impression-management skills that after the extreme hurtfulness and deliberately destructive things he has done that he would approach you with such neutrality. Or is it something different? A complete and utter lack of awareness or responsibility for what he does to other people. This will hardly be reassuring but your son has been notable in his cruelty--towards parents who have been uniformly loving and responsible people--it seems to me. This is not about my own child who is now living with me. But about my sister with whom I have almost forever had a difficult relationship. I fear her. She was always opportunistic, vengeful, self-serving, with the capacity for cruelty. I intervened near the end of my mother's life to protect her, and to a lesser extent myself. The particulars of what my sister had done, that so frightened me, are no longer important. But I summoned strength I did not have to do the right thing. In the year before my mother died my sister would not speak to my mother, see her, or speak to me. Everything I handled myself, with M, my partner. I had been stunned by my sister's choices--this was a mother that had always supported her, helped her with her children, financed her, and favored her. And my sister utterly rejected her and her welfare. The upshot: my sister blames me. A birthday email I sent (on her last two birthdays I sent a short note, hoping she was well), she rejected with the request that I not contact her again because of the way I treated her before our mother's death. My point here (besides trying to find solace for myself) is to say that self-serving, cruelty comes in all kinds of packages. My sister is successful and apparently esteemed. Try to be strong. You have done every single thing right. You tried and you tried and you tried. Nobody can make somebody do the right thing. Goodness is not rewarded by anything other than our own relationship with G-d and to ourselves. If we are truly blessed we have a mate or a friend with who we can be ourselves. That is what I have come to believe. I feel pain for the hard-heartedness of your son. His path he has chosen for years and years and he does not deviate. The hope for him is that this path becomes fruitless and barren, and he is forced to look at himself. There is always hope that this may occur, one day. But at this point it has but not one thing to do with your husband and yourself. You know that there are all kinds of resources of which he can avail himself. He chooses not to because to do so means some kind of compromise and cooperation that he does not want to extend. His choice. Again, nothing to do with you. You and he and your husband are adults, and as such, equals. He is as responsible for you and your welfare as you are for us, actually more. That he feels no shame reveals exactly his state of mind. I think the block is appropriate. I would do this, too. I would try to remember that restricting contact with him, is best for him, as he chooses to relate to other people in an opportunistic way. In this way my sister has the same set of choices, believing that interactions with me potentially harm her, rightly or wrongly (or did she just take a killing shot--because she could?). Justified, or not, this is her right. We are adults now, and free to choose who we are and want to be. That goes for your son, and for you. And for my sister, too. Somehow that helps me. It's all OK. No fault. No blame. Except the problem is, that is not how our loved ones think. But that is OK, too. We must protect ourselves. [/QUOTE]
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