Update on both girls

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by jbrain, Sep 9, 2009.

  1. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Hi Everyone,
    I've been meaning to update for ages. I think it has been months...

    Anyway, difficult child 1 has as usual had drama in the past few months. She left the boyfriend in June or July and he came to the campground where she was staying with friends and he tried to push her into a campfire and was threatening to kill her and take her baby. The baby, Liam (was about 8 months old at the time) was crying so he hit him on the head and said, "I'll give you something to cry about." difficult child 1, E, ran with the baby to the camp ranger, the police were called, and they came and arrested the boyfriend.

    The boyfriend was in jail and E was proud of herself for putting him there (I found out later that he has been extremely abusive to her, more than I knew). Okay, great. But then E must have panicked without him because she just disappeared for 10 days. She left Liam with her friends and just didn't come back or contact anyone. Her friend contacted me and she was willing to keep Liam, just was nervous about it since she had no legal right to him. I was kind of shocked that E just left but I figured she was "okay."

    She did surface again and turns out she had been doing heroin (a drug she did before meeting her boyfriend) and just living on the streets. She decided she didn't want to do it anymore and checked herself into an outpatient drug rehab. Meanwhile, boyfriend was released from jail because she missed the court date to testify against him. He reported E's friends to CPS and CPS gave the baby back to E who had no place to stay. I told her to find a shelter and she was referred to one by the YMCA that takes young domestic violence victims.

    So, as of now, she is apparently living in a studio apt. provided by the shelter and she is working at a different strip club and her friends are helping her with the baby.

    As always, I know the story I am told is probably somewhat true but may have "gaps". Anyway, she sounds good when I talk to her on the phone and I hope she really is on a better path now. She said she felt she could not live, could not even breathe, without boyfriend and that is why she turned back to drugs. She seems to be doing okay without him now--of course she could be with him again for all I know but I can only go by what she tells me and let it go. I try very hard to just be there to encourage her but not give her too much advice and to know that a life full of drama may be what I'm dealing with til I'm dead and I just have to be happy for the "lull" times.

    Okay, on to easy child/difficult child 2. She graduated from high school in June and is now off on a gap year program. As of this minute she is flying to New Delhi, India. We saw her off from our town in upstate NY on Monday morning and she flew to San Francisco to meet up with her group leaders and groupmates and they left San Francisco at 1:20am (SF time) for India. She will be there for 3 months doing service work, learning Hindi, etc. Then in December she comes home for a month or so and then goes on a solo internship. She has chosen to go to Argentina to work on a horse ranch out in the middle of nowhere.

    I'm really proud of her courage to do this. She lacks a lot of self confidence in her abilities so I am hoping she will find out she is far more capable than she knows. She has always wanted to see the world and has always had a great interest in other cultures. She went out of her way to befriend kids from other countries who were in her classes (we have lots of foreign grad students here with families).

    Thanks for always being "there", sorry I haven't been posting much but I do read every day!

    Oh, so now we are temporarily empty nesters!

  2. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'm glad that you wrote! I have been wondering about E. I hope she will get her act together, for baby Liam's sake. What a shame that she didn't have it in her to hold it together to testify. She did stand up to him in the heat of the moment, but when she could have sealed his fate, she didn't follow through. It's bound to come up again. It's a big step, but not a journey. I hope she will get the help she needs.
  3. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I agree with Witz, Jane. I'm sure you do, too.

    How did easy child find the "gap" program? Is there scholarship money for something like this? Does she get any college credit? It sounds fabulous!

  4. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Yeah, I know E is unpredictable. She may be actually on a better path or she may not be or even if she is she may fall to the wayside. I just try to enjoy the lulls when nothing much seems to be happening that I am aware of. She has been calling to check on M and that has been nice. She is very excited about M's program and has been very supportive to M which is great.

    M and I found the gap program on line last Fall. She knew she wanted to have a plan in place for after high school and she knew she did not want to go straight to college. The program is called Carpe Diem and is sort of linked to Portland State University. M is earning college credit while doing the program. There is not much scholarship money--they gave us a small discount but not much. On the other hand, it is no more expensive than a year would be at many colleges. If you are a matriculating student at Portland State you are eligible for financial aid through FAFSA. You apply like any other student would to the university and if accepted you go through the regular financial aid process. Unfortunately, we could see that M would not have the qualifications to be accepted at the university so she is in a different category. She still gets college credit but is not a regular student.

    Anyway, she has now landed in New Delhi as of about 2 hours ago! I've been tracking her flights on line. I don't know when I will hear from her--they aren't allowed cell phones on their trip and will only be at internet cafes occasionally. It's okay--it is part of the process. She is learning to be independent, doesn't need to be communicating with us all the time. And, as with my other 2 kids, the less I know of day to day stuff the better off I am!

    So, my husband and I are going to try to enjoy this time of having an empty nest. It's nice to be able to do stuff on the spur of the moment.

    Okay, thanks everyone!!!

  5. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Jbrain -

    I am so sorry I missed this. You know I keep an eye out for things about Liam. I'm glad to hear that he's okay.

    I can tell you how much courage it took for E to even report boyfriend for touching Liam at the campground. An incredible amount. The fact that she did not show up in jail doesn't surprise me at all. There's not telling the invisible signs that she believes are threats from him - even just a look to her can mean something we could scarcely understand. TO just have him arrested was heroic. I'm so very proud of her. The fall out afterwards isn't so surprising either. The emotions, fear, pensive worry...pretty typical. The sad thing about the circle of violence is that until she has an actual place to go to get OUT of it completely and a willingness to GO? It will continue over and over. In situations like her's you could tell her from me - if she has a chance to take Liam and move elsewhere with a new view and stability? Please go. I had less than nothing - took Dude - bartended, slept in a van and I'm so much better off - so is Dude. I keep her and that baby in my prayers all the time.

    New Delhi huh? I bet she'll cross paths with Janie from NZ's daughter. She's a globe trotter too!! Sounds so exciting! Hope she gets to ride an elephant. Tell her to send LOTS of pictures!!

    So you didn't say anything about the boy? Is he still there? Has he had anything to do with E? I guess not but was wondering if he's maybe moved on or what.

    Isn't empty nesting weird? It's like being 20 again for the first month and then.....WHAT? lol.

    Hugs - Glad to see you around - stop back more often and please keep us updated on E:redface: and Liam:D. And now our little Globetrotter. ;)
  6. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Hi Star,
    thanks for your post, I really appreciate it! Sorry to take so long to respond though!

    E seems to be doing okay. I think she really is at a shelter and she seems happy to be raising Liam. He is so cute, she sends pics from her phone to mine. She works a lot of hours at the strip club but seems okay with it. She's been reassuring me about M in India when I get worried so that's nice! She says the boyfriend is in Seattle. She says she has a no contact order against him. Anyway, I have no real way of knowing what is going on, but when I talk to her she sounds "good", not strung out on drugs.

    I actually got to talk to M on the phone for a few days and have had a few emails. She had just been diagnosed with a case of e-coli when I last talked to her and had started an antibiotic. She was feeling weak from not being able to keep anything in and feeling homesick, etc. I felt bad for her. Now she is off on a "trek" in the Himalayas so I can't communicate with her. She was worried about being too weak to do the trek so I hope she is okay.

    Thanks for your support, I sure appreciate your kindness!