Update on daughter

[exhausted]

We have had a heck of a ride. I have had little time to post with school starting and all the events. difficult child was released from residential and JJS custody about 3 and 1/2 weeks ago. This was just 3 weeks after a major melt down(almost a psychotic break) in the residential where she was able to take about 60 pills and almost killed herself.(I know big liability issues and stuff is pending.)She was in intensive care and then a few days at psychiatric hospital and then DT. They charged her for not following rules. To our surprize, the judge released her and sent her home. She was due home before school started-but when this all happened, we were not prepared for her to be sent home. We thought she would be there another 2 months as she was set back to 1st phase. They refused to take her back and we could not send her back after their negligence.

Upon coming home, she ran to her 24 year old "boyfriend" within 3 days. She got in a huge fight with him and it is all over. We did our best to end it before-calling in statutory rape, having a letter sent by our lawyer, etc. nothing kept him from using and abusing her. She finially gets it.......for now.

She is in school, a special school which has 3 classes in the building where I teach. She has been all 4 days. She has not run the last few weekends and seems to be doing better. I do know this will not last. She has not been able to maintain when she was home after the last Residential Treatment Center (RTC). I'm tired again managing her, but not as bad as before as she has learned some new skills and seems to care more about finishing school.

I just wanted to update. I'll probably be back venting before too long. Please send your prayers our way.

 

[DDD]

Boy you have had quite a time, haven't you. What a range of emotions you have experienced. Fingers crossed that the lull ends up being a change of course for you. Meanwhile, try to catch your breath while it lasts and know that caring thoughts and hugs are coming your way. DDD

 

[busywend]

What is the plan? What supports are in place? Feels like a very open ended release with no future plans.

 

[exhausted]

There were no plans in place. There are no supports except our family therapist who has little effect on our difficult child. She refuses to go to after care from the first Residential Treatment Center (RTC). She has run again. Missed 5 days of school. She contacts us but wont give us a number or whereabouts. She does not have her medication including her thyroid medications. We tell her it so dangerous to not take it. We only know she is alive through her Facebook messages to us. Says she can't handle school wants to get her GED. But then again how will she if she can't stay home. Has never had a job as she has been in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for 2 years. She can't take care of herself and yet she wants to act grown up. I am so hopeless-have never felt this down and out. Police will do nothing of course and our courts wont deal with running away unless she is in the system. We gave her 100% supervision again at home, where she was pleasant, but the first chance she gets at school....she bolts. No impulse control at all. We have done everything we can think of and followed all the professional advise. Here we are. Where the heck is her rock bottom? Could she hit it soon, please?

 

[Liahona]

I'm so sorry you are hurting. If school is the problem next time would it be feasible to home school? You said she was pleasant at home. Is she pleasant enough to have around 24/7 to home school? Is she running because of school anxiety or is school the excuse? Would she come back if you posted on her facebook wall that she didn't have to go back to school?

 

[toughlovin]

It sounds to be the problems are much much bigger than the school. I think it would be incredibly hard if not impossible to start homeschooling a 16 year old difficult child who was running away with an older boyfriend etc. etc. Mom defintiely needs a break from just having her home again.

I feel for you exhausted... have you gone the court route... getting a CHINS (child in need of services) on her. I am sure they are called different things in different states but here the probation dept can set up some conditions for her and she breaks them then they will pick her up and if need be send her to some kind of foster care.

I don't know it sounds like a really rough and tough situation.

All I can do is sympathize... and keep sticking to your guns. My son is almost 20 and may have just hit rock bottome (I am hoping) and is now getting help (I think and hope but that could change as we all know.).

TL

 

[exhausted]

Thank you for your replies . Yes, we just got out of the court system. We had to criminalize her behavior to get before a judge. They sent her for a 45 day evaluation where they told us she was borderline personality disorder, along with the PTSD. They recommended therapuetic foster care to see if she could manage in another environment a distance away from old contacts. They also said that emancipation might work. We did not agree as she is so dependent on others. However, theses were the professionals. So DCFS placed her in a foster home near us and not away from contacts. We also found out it was not therapeutic and this single mother worked 12 hour days and my daughter and her other foster child (who was pregnant and got pregnant on her watch) were left to their own devises. Of course, my daughter contacted old disfunctional "friends" and ran off 3 times before we got back before the judge. This foster home was a nightmare as well. The women swore at difficult child, belittled, had no understanding of mental illness, drank every night,didn't take her to the doctor (we ended up coming late at night and she had strep, a sinus infection and later pneumonia). Judge was angry at DCFS and foster agency and told them they were yet again incompetent and placed her in JJS custody and Residential Treatment Center (RTC), which is what we had asked for to begin with. She did well for several months learning DBT, which is the recommended therapy for borderline. Just before she was to come home for good, she had a melt-down and took 60 pills at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC)-we almost lost her. We filed a complaint with the state and so did the JJS worker and supervisor. They got in trouble had to do some "training" and file some reports and changes. However, none of that was available when we saw the judge. He just dropped her from the system. He asked us, "What do you want a magic bullet? She'll be back in my courtroom." So here we sit waiting for the magic bullet I guess! We are asking our church for help and thinking that the GED is not a bad idea. She could then go to get her licence to do hair (something that has been a consistant goal for her). She just has to stay home and I don't think she will. There is no stopping a kid who is almost 17 that decides they are not coming home. It would get physical to get her in car or to try and block her from running. She knows this is not good, but can't seem to control herself. She told us again that she is a monster, that she can't get over the abuse, and that she hates herself. She even said, "I can't see myself living past 25." Is this manipulation, who knows. But her safety is on our minds and we have no control over that. If we do see this judge again-he will throw her into secure care (jail) for truency and running until 21. That was his threat. She'll just get worse there with no therapy. What a broken system we have. How did we get to this point? What else could we do? We have done it all-therapy, private Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and public Residential Treatment Center (RTC) etc. We love her, but what next?

 

[Steely]

Wow...you have done it all, and I can't imagine what else you could do.
Tell me/ us again what her issues are? When was she abused and by who? What medications does she take? Have any other diagnosis's been explored? Lets work together to figure this out. There has got to be a solution.
Also you might get even more responses if you posted a similar thread over on general parenting.

 

[compassion]

This sounds very similar to my daughter who has not lived with us since she was 15. It was important to me that she get a high school diploma. I got ssi-d for her,she had studio apt. and I would do like 10 min. a day per subject in her online class with her, depending on stability/sobriety. With her, top priority is getting medications and seeing p-doctor monthly. We give her 5 dollars a day to take medications. I also gave her 5 dollars to do 40 min.o f school. She graduated in June. It has been a challenge getting her to Tampa where her brother is going to college and I have a place now too. Today was the first day weeks she actually came on her own after 6 weeks!. It takes so much flexibliity and tolerance. I told myself within reason I will let her call the shots. Again, medication adherence is number one priority.

 

[exhausted]

She was molested repeatedly from ages 4 to 5 by her 14/15 year old cousin. No signs of problems, a great kid until puberty at 13 We did not find out about the abuse until first Residential Treatment Center (RTC) at age 14. She was raped at age 13 by 3 men-they stuffed a shirt down her throat. She finially told us this right before Residential Treatment Center (RTC) but refused to talk about it in therapy and began self medicating with weed. She aso had disassociating events where she would deny these things really happened to her and that they were a dream.
Got out of Residential Treatment Center (RTC) after 16 months and within a month began to run to a 24 year old male whom she had know by a friend. Was truent a lot. Sexually acting out is what she does. I wonder about an addiction to sex?
One night she pushed my husband and I (she had been rediagnosed after a psychiatric hospital stay as bipolar and was taking seroquel- we do not believe this is the right diagnosis), she was aggitated on these medications.and wanted to get out and go to the 24 year old. We filed charges as she left marks to get before a judge and ask for help. Thus the system nightmare began.
She now tells me via FB, that she has a job and wants her GED. She does not want to come home. She usually wears out her welcome and comes home. She is so bright-a GED seems so lowly for her, but we have tried so many schools.
She has been on antidepressants for 4 years-hates them and wont take them when she runs. She has a thyroid problem-did take them with her this time as we begged her. Topamax worked to reduce her impulsivity-it was given for mygraines and a weird one time seizure she had at age 14. The state took her off of this. I had trouble getting the new psychiatric to prescribe it-he calls it dopomax.
When she runs, I do not know the address-she is not here to see the psychiatrist or doctor or psychiatrist. The only time we have had control is in the RTCs and then again she finds ways to control those situations as well (thus the suicide attempt).
I'm truelly sick and scared. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated. We love her and have a very nice and loving home. We are not perfect, but she is lucky. She does know this, but wants to do what she wants to do-sexually act out with anyone, hang out with adult females and call the shots. Hope that helps

 

[Steely]

I am definitely sending prayers -

What she has been through is really tough for a kid to deal with - without acting out. Especially when drugs start to take away the horrible trauma she has experienced - then she probably feels - why go back to reality? The acting out sexually is part of her compulsive need to heal the trauma - and again there is nothing you can do until she wants help. It is very common in sexual abuse victims - they have a need to reenact the sexual experience in hopes that this time they will feel love, and acceptance - instead of demoralized and hated. Yet they always pick the toughest men, the hardest puzzles to solve so to speak - and end up getting used and hurt over and over again. The pattern just repeats and repeats until more and more damage is done.

The good news about this - is that I believe she will want the help at some point. The pain she is dealing with is so deep - at some point - it will be inescapable and she will seek help. She is smart, educated, and loved - she will turn the road soon and want help.

If she gets her GED, I think that is actually a good thing in this situation. It is not the stigma it used to be - it is really what she does after that. Does she get a job, or go onto community college? If she gets her GED then her life will take more of an adult turn, and she will grow up a bit, and start realizing things that only life can teach her.

in my opinion the psychiatrist is right about the Topomax - Matt was on it - and he literally forgot how to add. It was pathetic how it dulled his cognitive reasoning - however there are many other mood stabs to try if she would take them.

I truly believe she will work through this - her abuse was severe - she is going to have to process this in her own way and in her own time - but she will get it. *HUGS* in the meantime.

 

[Steely]

I should add that I feel SO optimistic about your daughter because I was her....I know....I get it.....and I completely turned my life around when I was around 20 or so.....much to everyone's surprise.......I began the journey to be whole again because *I* wanted it. 24 years later - I still struggle with depression, ptsd, etc - but I have had a successful career, and provided a stable home for Matt, so on and so forth.

 

[exhausted]

Thanks so much Steely. I wish you could share your story with her. I am hoping she will want to turn around as well. She has been home for a few days now. Have an appointment to see about the GED. I am worried she will not follow through. At least this small alternative school has structure if she would just go. I worry that we will have no recourse if she chooses to not finish GED. I guess we can't control any of that. I know she wants me to understand her more. Last night she read a recovery book to me until I fell asleep. I plan to do that every night with her. I have read them before, but this one made made me ill. I can't possibly understand-but I do love her and feel pain for her. My wish is that she does recover and turn around (of course), but I'm worried that she stays alive to do it.