Update on difficult child/girlfriend

[katya02]

After a month of screaming fights with girlfriend and pressure from her to have another baby ASAP, difficult child has gone hypomanic and lost his job. They moved into a great place a month ago - half of a duplex, hardwood floors (great for difficult child's allergies), just the cutest little house. They both seemed psyched (although girlfriend threw tantrums at not getting to have cats, despite difficult child's severe allergies). We gave difficult child enough furniture to make the place cozy (although we had him sign a document acknowledging that the furniture is ours, as we don't trust girlfriend). difficult child was so excited.

Then girlfriend began putting the full court press on about wanting a baby NOW, and freaking out when difficult child said no, they had to save up money, get married, and be stable job-wise and financially before considering another pregnancy. He sounded like a easy child, honestly! Then he got to see how girlfriend functions when away from her mother; he's always seen himself as her rescuer, and was sure she would be completely different once away from her mother. How wrong he was.

She spent the month sleeping and watching youtube videos, not getting her papers sent in so that she could get her sick leave pay (needed to ask her doctor to send in a form, and she wouldn't do it, then said it wasn't her fault she had no money). She spent $$ that people at work gave them toward funeral expenses, on cigarettes and pop. She drinks about eight big bottles of pop a day and chain-smokes. It would be reasonable to wonder about post-partum depression except that this is the way she was before she was pregnant. She refused to go back to work even though she was fine physically, because she 'ought' to have three months off. She knew husband and I wouldn't want difficult child evicted for nonpayment of rent (he would never get another apartment in this town), so spent her last money on cigs and screamed at difficult child for not buying her more, and let us pay the month's expenses. She's on the lease. difficult child can't kick her out.

difficult child has gotten so stressed from seeing this woman show her true colors that he's decompensated. He was able to see it coming, though, and let his boss know that he was not doing well. He didn't wait until he did something weird or dangerous at work. He also decided to go back on medications, which is a huge decision for him. He's struggling with major side-effects again and isn't up to a therapeutic dose, so still has the hypomanic symptoms along with the side-effects.

I wish girlfriend would go back to her mother. She got totally offended that I wouldn't give her my SUV to move her mother's stuff around, after the death threats her mother made to difficult child and to us. I thought maybe she'd be offended enough to leave, but no. She hasn't spoken to us since then until today, when she came over with difficult child and chatted and simpered and then got me alone to tell me that difficult child is 'mean' to her. By that she means he holds her at arm's length and doesn't want to discuss her feelings all day long. She wants him to stop his medications, as she thinks the medications are making him irritable. I told her NO, his ILLNESS is making him irritable!! And leave him alone, for heaven's sake. I also told her that, since she just got paid her 60% leave, she can now pay her share of the rent and utilities. The conversation ended pretty promptly with that.

I'm worried for difficult child. girlfriend is enough to drive anyone crazy. I hope, hope, hope that he doesn't scream at her or put his fist through a wall. He knows to walk away and leave the house when he gets too irritated, but it worries me.

Does anyone have any ideas on how to get someone to leave when their name is on a lease?

 

[Hound dog]

Yep. He can go to a lawyer and formaly evict her.

Downer, it will take some time.......cuz they will give her a chance to find a place to go......but if you're lucky she won't figure that part out and she'll see the eviction papers and run back to Mommy.

Wow. You've got the female younger version of katie's husband. Ok..........no actually he's worse, but he's got years on her.

Good for difficult child for going back on his medications. Hoovers the situation he's in. Life lessons sure can be mighty painful.

(((hugs)))

 

[Hound dog]

Oh, since they're renting together he might walk to privately talk to the manager about his plan to evict her too so they know.

 

[katya02]

So, if she won't pay her share, he can get a judge to force her to leave? That would be fantastic. I thought that the landlord just wants his check, so there would be no way to force her either to pay her share or to leave. I'll have to talk to an attorney. Thanks!

 

[Hound dog]

Anyone sharing a residence with you (I think) can be evicted. Actually it's the only way to force a person that doesn't want to leave your home to leave. Which is yet another reason katie and her husband won't be coming back here to stay even a "short" while because I can see them digging in and husband and I having to go through a formal eviction process to get them back out again. ugh No thanks.

I know my Mom did this with one of her husbands. The relationship ended and he refused to leave........she evicted him. lol He was not a happy camper. I know I've seen here where parents have been forced to do it with their grown kids. So I'm assuming your son's situation wouldn't be that much different. Landlord won't care as long as the rent gets paid.

 

[KTMom91]

Hugs. Hope difficult child is able to get through this well. Sending "go back to your mom" thoughts to girlfriend.

 

[susiestar]

The lease itself may have clauses about this. Take it, and difficult child, to an attorney. If nothing else the attorney can let difficult child know what will happen if he walks away from this place, leaving girlfriend with it. Likely she will either run back to Mommy or just move in Mommy and a bunch of cats and not pay the rent. I would tell difficult child that if he wants to leave the place you want notice so you can go and get your furniture. Heck, you might ask difficult child if this female is destroying the stuff. I imagine that if he could function with-o the furniture for a week or three, and you go and move it out of there regardless of what she wants, she will run back to Mommy because she will have no couch/bed/tv/whatever. Then you can let difficult child have the stuff back for as long as she is gone. That is, IF he truly wants her gone.

I don't think you need to "evict" her to take the furniture back. Just make a private arrangement with difficult child so that he does NOT hurt her, can sleep on an air mattress or sleeping bag or whatever until she leaves, and that he does NOT walk away with-o paying just to get her out.

A lot will depend on if he REALLY wants her out and wants to stay there with-o her.

The way he is behaving is AWESOME!! Esp knowing what was happening with his illness and going back on medications by his own request. THAT is a sign that he is really maturing well!!!

Is she superstitious? Could he start chanting in Latin or whatever and scare her out? Maybe not the nicest thing, but she sounds AWFUL and it might be worth it. I made up some fake "voodoo" chants and "ceremonies" when we had a neighbor downstairs who was a drug dealer. The cops refused to do anything about him, and the apartment manager was afraid of him, but he and his girlfriend ended up with a healthy respect for ME. Esp after they saw my mother and I dancing and chanting (I FINALLY used my high school Latin - we said all KINDS of idiotic things that sounded "foreign" and "scary" to these people. After that the pair of them carried crosses up in front of their faces if they had to walk past me, LOLOL!

Is he willing and able to afford the place on his own? Will he need help, and are you and your husband able and willing to help him with that after she is gone? If he just moves out, she could stay there and hold him liable for the rent for the entire term of the lease. If she walks away or is evicted, he will be liable for the entire rent amount. If he forces her to pay the $$ he likely cannot keep her from living there. If he sues her for the $$ it is likely that she could refuse to leave.

 

[ThreeShadows]

I see this as a good update, difficult child is setting boundaries, he's taking care of himself. I hope he stays on his medications.
I like the idea of removing the furniture but it sounds like she never gets off the couch, so you might have a fight on your hands.

 

[katya02]

Thanks, guys. Great story about the drug dealer and the Latin chanting! lol! I don't think girlfriend is superstitious, unfortunately ....
However, I can and will take difficult child to an attorney to find out what the options are. difficult child hasn't quite come to the point of being
committed to leaving girlfriend; he's close, I'd say, but he still hopes that there will be a miracle in the next week or so that will turn
her into a responsible, proactive person. Uh huh. It has to come from him, though. He has told husband and me that he is NOT ok
with girlfriend failing to pay her share and that that will be the deal-breaker in the next short while.

If difficult child wants her gone I'm prepared to rent a truck (again) and move all the furniture out. Also take down all the curtains I bought,
etc. I think losing her comforts would make her leave, but the issue of getting her name off the lease would remain. Hopefully an
attorney can tell us whether she would be considered to have abandoned the lease if she leaves for a certain length of time.
What I really hope is that she doesn't succeed in manipulating difficult child into staying with her. I have no control over that, I know. She's
extremely manipulative and with difficult child dopey on medications I'm not sure how susceptible he would be. I'm even more worried about her
using him as a sperm donor while he's doped up, and getting that second pregnancy going. She refuses to consider birth control. difficult child
assures me that they're so hostile to each other that nothing is happening, but it's a disaster in the making.

 

[susiestar]

Fingers crossed about the kids not getting physical. No way should someone with her behaviors reproduce -not with her current level of gfgness.

 

[busywend]

I am sorry, but I have to say this right now.

I lost a baby. There is no way anyone should expect that she be OK with that loss by now. In fact, it is a proven fact that when losing a baby your arms actually, physically ache for a baby to hold. Not just any baby. Your baby. It is a fact because it happened to me. So, her demanding to have a baby right now is totally normal for what she has been through. Completely expected if you ask a counselor.

I am amazed that after not even 2 months....nobody is trying to get these kids to understand grief, instead of encourage them to separate.

Sorry, this just hit me wrong. I am not trying to be rude here, as I am sure it sounds like I am. But, really and truly - these kids need some help working through their feelings. An event such as this can break up even the strongest marriage, let alone a young dating relationship. So - why encourage that break up when it has extenuating circumstances? It makes no sense to me.
There is a connection they will have forever - even though they are not parenting this child. The connection will last forever.

Sorry, but I feel it is wrong to not help them understand their feelings, emotions and actions at this time.

 

[katya02]

Busywend, I appreciate your comments and certainly don't think it's rude to share your opinion and experience. Unfortunately I have focused on my concerns and frustrations and haven't given a full picture of the situation.

Both difficult child and girlfriend are in counseling; girlfriend is attending regularly, while difficult child finds talk therapy harder and is still getting comfortable with his therapist. He has never done well with talk therapy; however, they are both participating in grief counseling and are getting helpful (I think, anyway) advice and support. I don't expect either girlfriend or difficult child to be 'over' the loss of the baby by now, or at any predetermined time in the future. I know it will be something that's part of the rest of their lives.

My concerns with girlfriend predate the pregnancy and this situation. She is much older than difficult child and is obsessed with her biological clock. She wanted a baby before; she told difficult child he was sterile and there was no need for birth control (I know, he should never have believed her but this is him, completely gullible and unable to 'read' people - he has been taken in by 'friends' at every point in his life). He told me he was sterile just before girlfriend announced her pregnancy! They had been having unprotected sex for nine months. She was delighted to be pregnant but refused to do anything 'for the baby' that would inconvenience her - such as cutting down on her chain-smoking, or eating anything besides fast food and soda, or going for prenatal care (she went right down to social services and got MA but didn't go for prenatal care until well into her second trimester). She felt it was perfectly fine to bring the baby home to her mother's apartment with the hoarding of objects and animals, with everything saturated in urine and her mother doing drugs. That was her plan; she sabotaged every attempt difficult child made to find them an apartment. She was aware and accepting of her mother's attempts to get difficult child out of their apartment so that she and her mother could 'plan their lives together' and difficult child could send child support. Essentially, my 'take' is that she has wanted difficult child as a sperm donor and she has wanted a baby in a way that doesn't take into account the child's welfare and the reality of child-rearing.

So when she has refused birth control and thrown tantrums about wanting to be pregnant NOW, despite difficult child's decompensation and their lack of stability, I am very concerned. She is unwilling and possibly incapable of taking care of another human being. She hasn't shown concern that her mother was trying to break she and difficult child up during her pregnancy and just get money from difficult child. I think she has a very clear agenda, and while I know she has suffered a major loss and needs to work through it, the agenda is still front and center. Of course it is intensified by the natural desire to fill her aching arms and have that baby. But difficult child has suffered in a major way as well, and he's not 'over' it and not ready to be a father right now. He's so doped up on sedating medications that he can't even get up in the morning and be coherent.

This is not a young dating relationship. They've lived together almost two years and girlfriend has been trying to get pregnant that entire time. difficult child says he never wants to be a father, for various reasons. He stepped up to the plate when the 'accidental' pregnancy happened but he doesn't want to plan a pregnancy. girlfriend has no interest in his feelings or concerns. I think it's very important that their therapists work with them together. girlfriend, however, chooses to see her mother's therapist, with her mother, rather than going with difficult child. That tells me a lot.

 

[busywend]

I am glad they are in counseling. It does sound like she is not great for difficult child.

Glad you did not take offense to my words. I guess I went to my personal experience only. I was not aware of their history. Thanks for understanding!