update on difficult child -- good, but long

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Estherfromjerusalem, Jan 1, 2009.

  1. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    Hello my friends!

    I am feeling really happy tonight. My difficult child has moved out, and moved in with his girlfriend, into a really tiny weeny apartment but they are happy. They are both working and will share the rent.

    As you must have noticed, I haven't written really about Oriel for a long time. I have been biding my time and holding my breath as things seemed to be straightening themselves out, and I was scared that if I talked about it I would somehow jinx it all.

    difficult child finished his three years (compulsory here in Israel) in the military. That is considered very honorable, to have done the full three years. For "normal" kids it is no big deal, although it isn't easy for anyone. But for difficult children it is extremely challenging, because of the authority factor. Oriel was lucky, he had a superior officer who understood kids like Oriel and treated him just right, and helped him through to finish. That means he will have it on his CV when he ever wants to apply for a job.

    I have always prayed and hoped that if we get through the teen years, that Oriel will somehow "grow up" and "grow out of it," and I give thanks to the Almighty that he is not on drugs and hasn't been in trouble with the police. I don't quite understand how that happened, but it did. It means that he can make a life for himself.

    He has always been in love with cars and motorbikes. He had a motorbike of his own (bought it with the money he inherited from my late father). A few months ago he applied for a job as a salesman with a reputable motorbike agency, and went through all sort of stages, including a graphologist, was shortlisted, had several interviews, and got the job. Unbelievable. A job with tenure, with pension rights, etc. etc. He has been there for four months. He has to be there at 8 o'clock six mornings a week, works 10 hours a day, and on Fridays 6 hours. Waking him up in the mornings has been a nightmare. We have been cursed and screamed at, but we got him up every morning.

    He has had a girlfriend for a year now. A lovely girl. I can't understand what she sees in him, but there is no doubt about the fact that she is good for him. He is still volatile and still flies off the handle very quickly, but not to the same extent as he used to. He and my husband often argue. And my husband, being very religious, is very uncomfortable about them moving in together into their little apartment, and he won't go there. He doesn't want to be seen approving it. I understand him, but I have gently encouraged Oriel, bought them some stuff as our Hanukka present to them. Her parents have also given them equipment.

    Today, he left. I phoned him late this evening just to see how they were, and he sounds tired and happy. He thanked me for helping them with the apartment, and for everything.

    I have done everything I could to pour oil on troubled waters for several years. I just felt in my gut that that was the right thing to do with this child.

    Now we must wait and see. I hope it lasts. I personally would be happy if this girl would be "the" one.

    Our apartment is really calm tonight.

    I just wanted to share all of that with you.

    I just want to say one more thing. Although I said it, and I mean it, that I am so happy that he has left, I love that child to distraction although he sometimes makes it so hard to love him. When he does something, he does it with all his heart. He does have a conscience. He has attended all the recent family gatherings and behaved well. I think that maybe he is on the right road and that there is room for cautious optimism, at long long last.

    Love, Esther
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    What a nifty post! Like most everyone I am pooped from the demands of the holidays etc. and decided to just scan read the Board before going to bed early. When I saw your post I got a grin on my face...from ear to ear.

    I will absolutely include that child in my prayers tonight. How awesome it will be if he can join his sibings in the living of a "normal life"....with or without the marital sacraments!!!!! :D HAPPY NEW YEAR! DDD
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Oh Esther! I have tears of joy running down my cheeks.

    Wow!!! What a truely wonderful update. :D I know you've waited so long for this. (and I know about being afraid to jinx it) You must be so proud at how far he's come. This board auntie is, that's for sure.

    I'll keep my fingers crossed and difficult child in my prayers that he continues to move forward. You and husband enjoy the peace. You've earned it. You're amazing.

  4. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    DDD and Lisa, I just read your reactions to my post, and NOW I feel excited and a bit tearful (tears of happiness, don't worry). I have been holding in my anticipation and excitement for so long.

    I'm just scared that something will go wrong and he will come back home expecting all that support again -- I don't know how much longer I can do it. But when he left this evening, he was happy, and calm. Long may it continue!

    Love, Esther
  5. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    What a wonderful post! You've given me hope for Miss KT. Thank you, Esther.
  6. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    Long may it continue indeed! What an uplifting and inspiring update! Thank you, Esther. It's so good to hear when a difficult child matures, starts to find his or her way, and the road smooths out. Congratulations and very best wishes for your son's continued success.
  7. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Mary and Katya. I know that along the long road (he is 22) I occasionally read a post about someone else's difficult child who seemed to have straightened out, and my heart yearned to be in that place, but I didn't believe it would happen. Now I am praying that this is it and he won't slide back again.

    I suppose the message has to be: not to give up hope. And of course: detach, detach, detach.

    Love, Esther
  8. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    What we, as parents of difficult children, want more than anything is to see these children grow up and lead happy, fulfilled lives. It is heart-warming to know that another one is on the way. Your Oriel reminds me so of my Tripp. For so long his anxiety ruled his life. He was difficult to raise and sometimes I did not like him a lot, but my love for him is immense. He has such great potential---as I'm sure Oriel has. I'm glad he found a job that fulfills his passion---and a girl to share his time with---possibly for life. My prayer is that my difficult child can find the right girl. He is ready now to work on a relationship. I hope Oriel continues to grow and is able to make his way in the world with prosperity and purpose.
  9. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Everywoman. Yes, you are right, it was really a relief when I realized that he was able to have a relationship with a girl. Sometimes I wonder how she can stand him -- LOL -- but the truth is that he also has good qualities, and she obviously has the right chemistry with him. And that's what we want as parents, for them to be able to form relationships with others, and get on with their lives.

    I'm going to sleep now. Forgive me, friends/family. I probably won't be back on the board until Saturday night -- Friday is cooking and preparing for the Sabbath, and on the Sabbath I don't switch on the computer, so I will wait until Saturday night until I "see" you all again.

    Love, Esther
  10. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Esther, what a wonderful post! I am so happy for you! You must be so proud of him. And it sounds like he has met a girl who is very good for him.

    I will keep him in my prayers that he continues to do well.
  11. Esther,

    Thanks for sharing such wonderful news with us. Your years of hard work, prayers , and patience are now bearing fruit - and you should be proud.

    You have given us all hope for the future!
  12. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    This is a joyful post tonight.
    Best of luck to the young couple.
    If the worst thing this young man does is live with his future wife before marriage, he is ahead of most of us.

    Enjoy the peace in your apartment and know that he has moved on. I am so happy for you. It gives us all hope.

  13. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Esther, what a wonderful, uplifting post.
    You give me hope.

    I am so very happy for you, for your difficult child and for your whole family. Long may it continue, indeed.

  14. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    Such a wonderful post to read. It certainly gives me hope. I wish for continued happiness for you.
  15. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    WOW, Esther! Oriel completed his service, has a job, a girlfriend, and has moved out. WOW! I am positively thrilled for you!

    Enjoy every second of this blessed- and well deserved- empty nest.

  16. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    Hello, it's Saturday evening and I'm back!!

    Thank you all for your lovely words. I've just read over the whole thread again. And it set me thinking, I think it must be about ten or eleven years since I first joined this support group. Has it really been that long? It must be, because when I joined he was still encopretic, and that finished when he was 13, and he is now 22, so -- yes, it must be at least ten years, if not longer. Wow!

    I think belonging to this group has kept me sane during the really bad times. I don't know what I would have done without all of you and your wonderful support. It is an honour and a privilege to be a member of this board.

    I suppose I'm trying to just say thank you, because I seem to have reached a better situation now.

    Love, Esther
  17. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    This is my 10th year and I think you followed not far behind me, Esther. I remember those encopretic threads- you were our "resident expert" on that subject for years.

    What hell we have lived through and survived to tell the tales. Thank God.

  18. Martie

    Martie Moderator


    I am so happy to read your post about Oriel and his girlfriend. I hope she is "the one" if you are happy with her, and I hope your husband can accept the situation or at least will, if they marry.

    I do not often post anymore about my ex-difficult child. I do not know what to say to encourage others, but I certainly know that life in the Israeli Army for three years is a lot more challenging than going to college. Nevertheless, I feel blessed to have been here for 10 years and have a child who is now a responsible and productive adult.

    I hope everyone gets to where we are but no one deserves it more than you.

    Best wishes,