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Parent Emeritus
Update on Difficult Child in Denver-no surprises here.
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 666558" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>That's great!</p><p></p><p>What I wanted to post to you blackgnat is that when daughter left treatment AMA and began the rapid downhill spiral that led to the bottom falling out of every worst case scenario into something unimaginably worse still, we managed by small, little steps, not to enable. It was an awful time. I cannot begin to describe it.</p><p></p><p>But daughter is doing so beautifully well, today.</p><p></p><p>We have been telling son too that we believe in him. Not that we say it in those words, but we are (I am ~ D H was always there) letting the situations he creates be the situations he creates. </p><p></p><p>Son is coming back, too. </p><p></p><p>I do believe detaching, not from our child, but from patterns of enabling evolved over repeated times of crisis, helps both us and our kids. Detaching from our enabling patterns with love, detaching from those enabling patterns with courage and fully engaged vulnerability to the pain in it, helped our family. You know some of the challenges we have been through. There were times it looked hopeless. There were so many times when all I knew to do was to choose the next right thing. My guide was not to enable. That's it. I learned to say things like: "That's awful! I'm so sorry this is happening." I learned to say, and this was super hard: "I don't know." I said I love you whether the kids were roaring on about what a crummy family we were or not. I asked for the right words so many times. </p><p></p><p>Anne Lamott wrote a book: Help! Thanks! Wow! In it, she says that every prayer is essentially one of those three words. So, when I am in a lost place and I don't know what to say? I think "Help!" </p><p></p><p>Over the time these changed patterns from me have created change in the ways the kids see themselves, I have had a million occasions to think: "Wow."</p><p></p><p>And "Thanks!"</p><p></p><p>So, that is a simple enough thing that I could remember it even in times of crisis.</p><p></p><p>That helped me get through it.</p><p></p><p>Maybe, that can be of help to you, too, blackgnat.</p><p></p><p>Just lately, I've learned: "Pray for their peace and therein, find our own."</p><p></p><p>That helps me, when anxiety hits.</p><p></p><p>And that is all I know, this morning. Not so much to know maybe, but it helps me to think that way through all the small steps that create good change in our relationships to our kids and even, in how we see ourselves.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 666558, member: 17461"] That's great! What I wanted to post to you blackgnat is that when daughter left treatment AMA and began the rapid downhill spiral that led to the bottom falling out of every worst case scenario into something unimaginably worse still, we managed by small, little steps, not to enable. It was an awful time. I cannot begin to describe it. But daughter is doing so beautifully well, today. We have been telling son too that we believe in him. Not that we say it in those words, but we are (I am ~ D H was always there) letting the situations he creates be the situations he creates. Son is coming back, too. I do believe detaching, not from our child, but from patterns of enabling evolved over repeated times of crisis, helps both us and our kids. Detaching from our enabling patterns with love, detaching from those enabling patterns with courage and fully engaged vulnerability to the pain in it, helped our family. You know some of the challenges we have been through. There were times it looked hopeless. There were so many times when all I knew to do was to choose the next right thing. My guide was not to enable. That's it. I learned to say things like: "That's awful! I'm so sorry this is happening." I learned to say, and this was super hard: "I don't know." I said I love you whether the kids were roaring on about what a crummy family we were or not. I asked for the right words so many times. Anne Lamott wrote a book: Help! Thanks! Wow! In it, she says that every prayer is essentially one of those three words. So, when I am in a lost place and I don't know what to say? I think "Help!" Over the time these changed patterns from me have created change in the ways the kids see themselves, I have had a million occasions to think: "Wow." And "Thanks!" So, that is a simple enough thing that I could remember it even in times of crisis. That helped me get through it. Maybe, that can be of help to you, too, blackgnat. Just lately, I've learned: "Pray for their peace and therein, find our own." That helps me, when anxiety hits. And that is all I know, this morning. Not so much to know maybe, but it helps me to think that way through all the small steps that create good change in our relationships to our kids and even, in how we see ourselves. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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Update on Difficult Child in Denver-no surprises here.
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