update on difficult child in Foster Care

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jody, Aug 12, 2010.

  1. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    She calls me almost every day. She seems to be doing pretty good. She cries a lot about how she misses me and she loves me and she wants to come home. She is obeying the rules for the most part and is getting along with the family. SHe cursed out the camp counselor, got grounded and suspended for three days and went back today.

    SHe called me on Monday and she was mad and acting like the difficult child that had her placed in foster care. She was raging, why did you put me here, you should hever have put me here, I am never going to be able to come home. I was able to calm her down and get her to realize that it really wasn't me putting her there it was her hitting me and her being abusive at home that had her placed in a temporary home until she can prove she can get it under control. It wasn't a pleasant conversation but she didn't manipulate me either.

    I do miss her, but I like going home a lot more. Sounds awful to even say, but I can't help but feel it, I am safe from being hit and have things hitting me in the back of my head or shoulders. I hope she can get some of this stuff under control.

    We have our first home visit tomorrow. I have to go home and clean or she may never get to come home. house is really bad. My iron is really low, and now I am getting b12 injections and it's super, super humid and hot here in illinois. I am zapped by the time I get to the car. I am excited to see her, and I don't know why but I am making her favorite meal, chicken, chilli, cheese nachos.

    I hope it goes okay, it will be strange with the caseworker sitting right along there with us in the house but I am glad they are coming to our house so she can see her dog and cat.
  2. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    Enjoy your visit with your difficult child Jody. I am sure she is going to love having her favorite dinner ! I am hoping she will be on her best behavior ! Let us know how it goes ...
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I feel for you but am glad you have this type of situation where she is gradually introduced back in the home. I wish there was some way for son to get that- it might not work but at least it's a shot and gives you some peace for a while.
  4. barneysmom

    barneysmom Member

    Hi Jody, glad you wrote to update.

    We have home-based services and I thought I would hate it but it has been great. The caseworker doesn't care what the house looks like and I don't clean for her -- just pick up the living room. her only interest is the health of our family. She's not critical and she's a good listener. Just by listening to me in a non-judgmental way, she helped me to prepare myself for the time that gfg17 would be coming home from Residential Treatment Center (RTC) (which is now).

    Good luck -- let us know how the visit went and how your daughter liked her favorite meal. That was generous of you to make it. She will notice even if she acts like she doesn't.

    Just be yourself! I blubbered like a baby sometimes, and sometimes vented. Sometimes we just made some encouraging plans for our family.

    I have a friend who had a case manager at home and she gave me good advice - to bring up issues that are necessary to be talked about that you need help with, as support for you, or as support for easy child. The caseworker can be the key to a lot of services that you may need.
  5. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Jody, case managers have seen it all. When ours comes in (quarterly) they are looking for a way to exit the house in case of fire, food in the fridge & clean laundry. As long as you aren't hoarding you don't have a cause for worry.

    Use the in home services as much as you can. I've had services here since the twins were 8 years old. It's been a godsend. While there is little privacy (people coming & going) I also have a second adult to help redirect behaviors, take kt our in the community to learn skills & work with her on her daily living skills. The in home therapist is there for me as well ~ the entire team is. They want to see you succeed as a family, not tear you apart.

    I've always been very honest & open with our mental health case manager; we have a very positive working relationship. When wm was placed in a therapeutic foster home he was our biggest support. The last thing husband & I wanted was to have our family torn apart. Now foster mum & dad are extended family. We are a family of different addresses & we are surviving.

    I ramble, please forgive me. Thank you for the update. Take care of you now & keep in touch.
  6. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    visit went well, I was sad when she left. I miss her. My health has been bad so I know this is a blessing for me to get better. She looked at me and asked if I was dying. I told her I most certainly didn't feel good, but nobody had to me anything like that. Today I feel much better B12 helped greatly. I am actually getting some much needed work done. My eyes have even opened totally. They have been halfway open for about two weeks now. I am function much better. It's time for me and me only I guess. I want to be better so I can be a better mom. I want to be strong physcially and mentally at least the best that I can be. It seemed like there was no more me anymore. I hope she is learning some new things. Like she is able to do some things all on her own. I look forward to 430 again. It's nice when the end of the day gets here. That hasn't happened in years. I also look forward to my next visit on Thursday.
  7. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    Had another visit today. It was really good. difficult child is getting active in a lot of things and some of her depression seems to be lifting. I like that. She has learned to do laundry and is hanging her clothes up and taking care of herself better. She's starting karate and is getting her hair highlighted and is very excited about that. she seems very happy. she misses me. she got to see her sister yesterday. caseworker was very impressed with erh old sisiter and told me so. She said you have two beautiful and wonderful daughters, the girls said they have a great mom, that made me feel good. She said you all love each other you just need some help get ting the mental issues straightened out and getting the stuff sorted out, and I think you will be just fine. I have to admit. That I have finally learned how to get excited about coming home again. I think every night is like Friday night. It's nice. I go home and my house is the same as it was before when i left in the morning, and when I go home, no one is going to hit or call me names, and there is so much happiness in that. I get so excited to go there I like it. I am hoping that she matures a lot and can come home and be nice. If not I won't go back to that kind of lifestyle, I am not the same as I was before all oif that started. I am okay in health but not quite the same mentally I dont think. It hasn't all come back like everyone says. I just keep waiting and eating seafood like they say. soon they will tell me I have doon something else to yself by eating too much of that. haha.
  8. barneysmom

    barneysmom Member

    Jody, so good to hear that good things are happening and that all three of you are doing some healing during this break. Our gfg17 was out of our home for 7 months (he's transitioning back now). It was hard, but looking back I can see that it was absolutely necessary for this to happen, if we had any hope of remaining a family. I was just reading something about the chaos theory -- that sometimes absolute chaos, even destruction, must occur, before things can rearrange themselves back into any type of order. Two characters in the book I am reading (actually I am re-reading Wally Lamb's "I Know This Much Is True") were talking about the Hindu god/dess Shiva, who is the god of destruction -- destruction which ultimately leads to creation of something new and fresh. Kind of like forest fires which burn down a lot of trees, but only then can new growth occur.

    Anyway. Enjoy your time. Don't lose site of the fact that it is forward movement. And that you won't ever go back to the way it was, no matter what.

    Regarding being mentally changed -- I felt for quite awhile that I was permanently changed -- damaged -- by the violence that occurred in our home. But I am surprised to realize that I am healing. I'm not the same as I was, and I do kind of miss that person who didn't have to go through all the suffering, grief and shock. But I think the "new me" will be OK too (more gray hairs though).

    Hugs -- enjoy -- relax
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Jody, it sounds like you are improving immensely and i am so happy that you are happy to go home now. What a relief.
    I totally agree, you cannot live with-that kind of abuse and violence.
    I'm really glad that your difficult child is doing so well. I hope you feel better all the way around about your decision and choices.
    Keep getting stronger and keep healing. {{hugs}}