update on difficult child situation

[ready2run]

After my last thread i decided that i couldn't decide where to place difficult child, as i have no idea whether bio mom or an institution is better. so i decided to let CAS decide since they have more information and more experience dealing with both difficult child-mom and the institutions. they decided that since difficult child-bio-mom is 'stable' on her methadone that she was the best option which was quite a surprise to me. they said she will have a lot of help forced on her, and daily check ins with the cas office where she lives. so she is coming on the 4th to start the process of integrating him into her life. he is already starting his plan to manipulate her....... he started off crying and saying 'i missed you so much, how could you leave me all this time' and of course that hits her straight in the heart and she is now ready to give him anything he could ever want. yet in reality, she hasn't seen him since he was a tiny baby. he doesn't remember her, all he knows about her is what i have told him. oh well. let the games begin, i suppose.

 

[JJJ]

Thank goodness she is stepping up!

Of course CAS picked her -- so much cheaper and it meets their prime directive of reunify when possible.

 

[dstc_99]

CAS must be an acronym for Crazy Ass System. I am so glad you are getting assistance but to be honest it sounds like a bad placement. I guess it is cheaper and easier. Good luck and I am so glad you are getting the support you need. Lets all say a prayer the child gets it as well.

 

[DDD]

I'm glad that you will no longer have to fear for the younger children and honestly hope that somehow placement with his Mom may pan out well. Frankly I would be on "hyper alert" status from now until he is gone. Seems likely he may want to have another chance at messing with the children's heads before moving. Stay vigilant. Hugs DDD

 

[buddy]

I understand why they are doing it financially but if he has no true attachment to her, and she has no training in this level of therapeutic parenting, I'd be ready to have him placed back with you with little warning (at best). There are so many layers to their relationship and after the honeymoon, he could deal with anger, she will react from guilt, and if he doesn't really bond anyway I worry she is at risk of injury.
Does she have pets? Do the neighbors? Will she keep him from other kids?

These are not your responsibilities to worry about, but it could affect you if they pull him out and ask you to take him back.
I guess I am saying, plan ahead for your response to this just in case. Hopefully this will be a great solution. But, if from your perspective, he can't ever come back, maybe you could plan for what you will say to cas. They may blame the mom and flatter you.....you know better. He likely needs a higher level of care.

I pray they really do provide services beyond a call to see if mom's sober. They may not yet realize how dangerous this boy might be. I worry they're setting him up for something sad. And I'd hold them responsible more than him if something happens. They should be protecting others and him. But social services often dont seem to think proactively. They often wait till something awful happens. They know his behaviors, yet put him with a totally inexperienced mom who is fragile in her sobriety.

But for you, and your other kids, it is not your job to worry about beyond what to say if the placement doesn't work.......What to say to husband and what to say to CAS . Bio mom and husband and CAS are the ones who need to sort it out beyond that. You are doing what must be done for your babies and I commend you for staying strong.

 

[DaisyFace]

Thank goodness she is stepping up!

Of course CAS picked her -- so much cheaper and it meets their prime directive of reunify when possible.

Yeah - that was my first thought, too.

I really have to agree with Buddy on this - if there is no attachment or any kind of relationship, then this is a disaster waiting to happen. If difficult child Mom has no training and/or experience - the stress will be very, very bad for both of them. Be prepared - just in case!

Will keep my fingers crossed that this works out...

 

[BusynMember]

Nobody really knows how to parent unattached kids, except experts. It's newly being studied. Foster parents don't know (we aren't given that much training), most therapists and psychiatrists don't know and many RTCs don't even know and use the old number-for-privledges system that does not address the problem. in my opinion, having lived with a child like this one, Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is best for society. I have no idea what, if anything, is best for such a damaged child, but in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) he is watched 24/7 and supposedly can't get out of therapy. He can't run away. He can't really harm anyone else. He can't run loose in the neighborhood hurting other kids and animals. He isn't in a house where another child or pet could be hurt or even killed (our kid had already started killing animals). Just pack his bags and be happy your other kids will be safe. Since he isn't going to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC), hopefully mom has no other kids, no pets, and a strong support system.

I hope this pans out for you. Crossing my fingers...

 

[DaisyFace]

Nobody really knows how to parent unattached kids, except experts. ....in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) he is watched 24/7 and supposedly can't get out of therapy. He can't run away. He can't really harm anyone else. He can't run loose in the neighborhood hurting other kids and animals. He isn't in a house where another child or pet could be hurt or even killed...

Don't want to get up on my soapbox here - but this is one of my biggest complaints about the MH system at the moment. Decisions are being made based upon what is most cost-effective and not on what is best for the child or the community.

I can remember RTCs rejecting our application - explaining that they were not equipped to handle my child's many needs - and yet, the therapist assured us that WE, the parents, could handle everything just fine. So, too much for a 24/7/365 Residential Treatment Center (RTC) to handle - but just fine for two, untrained people with jobs and other obligations including another child in the house. That STILL makes no sense to me...

 

[BusynMember]

The System is so screwed up, I don't think they even know what is right for the kids. Most of the kids we got were so different from the profiles we were given of them. It was a sad joke. They were not getting the level of help they needed. I could get on that soap box with you. Because they don't know, they go cheap. This isn't going to work out, but at least he won't be with ready2run and her other kids. That's the only positive about it. He really probably needs an Residential Treatment Center (RTC).

 

[buddy]

I can remember RTCs rejecting our application - explaining that they were not equipped to handle my child's many needs - and yet, the therapist assured us that WE, the parents, could handle everything just fine. So, too much for a 24/7/365 Residential Treatment Center (RTC) to handle - but just fine for two, untrained people with jobs and other obligations including another child in the house. That STILL makes no sense to me...

That's like many adoption placements. They place special needs kids with singles but healthier kids with people who have two people to share the load. Not the legal rule, just how it plays out.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Nobody really knows how to parent unattached kids, except experts

Read more: http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/f6/update-difficult-child-situation-51925/#ixzz2Gwb2Tbul​

The sad reality is that most experts don't know what to do with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) kids.
Illness and disorder, we can figure out - or somebody can.
But extreme disruption of those early formative years... there is no easy answer.

 

[ready2run]

you know, i am not holding faith that this is going to turn out well either. i am totally prepared to tell them no when they ask me to take him back, i will direct them to the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) information i have given them already. husband isn't going to argue with me about it, at least i don't think so. he seems to have come around to the idea. bio mom doesn't have her other kids, she visits them once a month and they are older. she is a difficult child in her own right and i don't know if she will handle him well but i will try to teach her what i can before he goes to her full time. she does have a the same boyfriend for the last 5 years and he is supposedly responsible, holding down a descent job, ect. she has 14 cats...yes. 14. and she said, well the female keeps getting pregnant....yeah. i know, oh, i know.... she is working on getting rid of at least all the females and kittens before he gets there. she has been warned he is not okay with animals. i have been writting her a book, litteraly, on dealing with difficult child and i can only hope she has brains enough to use it. in the meantime the other kids are understanding now what i have been telling them forever, that he isn't thinking right and they shouldn't listen to him. and i think my 'no touching' lessons are sinking in as i patted my 4yo on the bottom today and he shouted "NO. that's private. DON'T touch privates!!" 2 sleeps until she gets here for their first face to face

 

[buddy]

Bless your heart. If this works it will be due to you. I'm sure you're concerned about the kittens and cats too. What a mess. I hope she gets rid of them. Can CAS insist on it?

 

[ready2run]

well i'm pretty sure they don't know about all cats yet but since it is illegal to have that many cats they will have to call the pound or whatever that town has in place to have them removed.

 

[TerryJ2]

I agree--Crazy Assed System.

OMG. Just keep breathing. I am so sorry.

 

[BusynMember]

14 cats? LOL. Is she a hoarder? Well, if difficult child moves in, and I say this both tongue in cheek and with a bit of seriousness...I think her cat population may start going down and he'll have a good excuse about why it wasn't him. But that's her problem then, not yours.

 

[ready2run]

well today actually went really well. she did a great job dealing with him, seemed to be listening very attentively to the things i told her about caring for him. she didn't do anything inappropriate or anything like that, she even had the forsight to bring gifts for all the kids, not just difficult child.. she admited to the drinking/drugging during pregnancy and took responsibility(and said sorry) for damaging him, which in my opinion is a huge step since every other time i tried to bring it up she denied it. i told her about what he's been doing to the other kids and why i think he's doing. so i'm glad i was able to come on here and find an explanation for the behaviour. let's hope she continues on this path.

also, she is down to 9 cats now and says she has homes for 3 more next week...

 

[Mattsmom277]

Wow, it sounds like maybe she is actually working hard (rehousing the cats and listening attentively, taking responsibility for her past acts) to be prepared for difficult child and be ready in a meaningful way to parent a difficult child. I really think this sounds like it might be the best alternative among a mix of not so great options available. I do think it's for the best for your household for difficult child to live elsewhere. Perhaps after the honeymoon period with bio mom wears off, and perhaps after they get the inevitable rebellion out of the way, maybe then a better bond with bio mom will happen and perhaps any resentment difficult child has toward her may bubble to the surface and be meaningfully addressed, which could be a turning point for your difficult child. Of course all manner of alternate possibilities exist. But I'm one to always try to see the better outcome possibilities and I will be hoping for your difficult child that biomom's residence might offer a place he can heal some stuff and perhaps find his own "path". Either way, I'll be glad for you and your household when you can all rest a little easier and lick the wounds that come from walking on eggshells each day in your own lives. I really do admire you for working so hard for difficult child. You're a good egg!

 

[HopeRemains]

Oh, how similar our stories appear. Only, husband would never really consider giving custody to biomom here. She is also a recovering addict and I believe that Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is playing a role in difficult child. It is fortunate that your difficult child's biomom is willing to take him and that she has no other children in the home, I wish the best for both of them! Here, I am having to make plans in secret to leave with my younger son. (No sexual abuse that I know of, just violence and emotional tolls.)

What struck me last night while reading your other post was the fact that your 6 yr old told you that you couldn't stop him from letting difficult child touch him in order to be accepted and "loved" by difficult child. That just broke my heart and terrified me at the same time, because that is how my 3 yr old seems to think, also. Just a few days ago I heard easy child cry out that he was telling "Mom", and then a crash in the kitchen and easy child crying in earnest. In the time it took me to hurry into the kitchen, difficult child had easy child in his lap (on the floor, where he had just tackled him so he couldn't get to me and "tell" on difficult child), rocking him, petting his head, and telling him he loved him. easy child was actually apologizing to difficult child! The caught out look on difficult child's face when he saw me standing there was telling. The next day I was having a private talk with easy child and asking him if difficult child ever hurts him, and he started talking about that incident. He asked me "Mom, why didn't you DO anything about it?". Yeah, we are going to go to a different state to live with my brother for a bit, until I get my strength of mind back. If we come back, it will not be to live with husband and difficult child. =(

I am so glad that you see the need and are strong enough to protect your younger children! I don't think I saw how your husband reacted to this?

 

[TerryJ2]

Wow. That's a good sign.
I'd still be waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I, was touched by the interaction and attitudes by your difficult child and 6-yr-old. Sigh.

Many hugs. You will get through this.