Update on difficult child

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hearts and roses, Aug 19, 2013.

  1. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    So, difficult child lost her job in April, however, she had to leave for her own sanity. She was very happy there until her higher up took over the running of the office and was constantly condescending to her, sexist and rude. It was odd because he did give her a nice healthy raise two weeks prior to her leaving...he was undermining her position. Anyway, she fought, even went to a hearing, and won unemployment (he fought it) and has been unemployed since. She and E still live at his mom's house and that is a huge stressor for her as well, but as we always say, she has choices and doesn't need to live there. Life is good without her living at home, though I do worry about her as she hasn't always eaten right and had ended up in the hospital several times earlier this year.

    Finally, she has made some important changes. She's gone gluten free, meat free and cut waaaaay back on coffee and cigarettes. She has essentially put herself on a diet recommended for people with gall bladder issues - no fried foods, no spicy foods, low juice intake, avoid all acidy foods, etc. This week she has an appointment at a new gastroenterologist (I have been pushing her to do this forever) and I will go with her because she rarely remembers her symptoms and history. She told me just last week that since changing her diet, she feels much better overall. No more chronic belly pain and she says her head seems clearer and she's able to not allow her moods to get the best of her. Oh, she's also reading a book about detachment and handling her moods. Can't hurt, right?

    She and E are doing okay - she seems to be annoyed with him about some things but overall, they are still in love and plan to marry one day. As some of you may recall, the wedding that was supposed to be this upcoming weekend was postponed - a new date has not been selected as of yet.

    She has been a joy to hang out with on a personal level and has expressed an interest in moving back home but is nervous about her and my H's past relationship. I did tell her that while I understand her concern, she is a grown up now. He would, however, nag her about not working, that I know!!! On the one hand, I'd love her back home so I could see that she's eating well. on the other hand, I don't want to fall into old patterns.

    Anyway, that's it for now on difficult child.
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sounds like she is making progress, H&R. What's the latest with your mother in law? Recently, by the way, I asked if anyone knew how you were doing as I've missed seeing you around here. Hugs DDD
  3. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Hi DDD! I've missed you as well. I haven't been around here much it's true, but I do browse and try to keep up with everyone.

    mother in law now lives up here in CT (since April). It was difficult laying down and sticking to boundaries with her as she is so completely oblivious and seems to think she's royalty and can do as she pleases no matter how it inconveniences anyone else. But she is making strides with her newfound independence. Actually, H and I are pleasantly surprised and happy that she takes a Tai Chi class twice a week, seems to have gotten head over heels involved with a group of folks at her place caring for the garden out back, and she even went for a drive with one of her male neighbors.

    For a while there she was showing up at our house on Sundays at 2 or so when H specifically asked her for dinner and to arrive at 4. One day we were going out and he called her and told her to come at 5 and she responded that she would be there at 4 and to leave the door open. Um, no.

    And during the recent heat wave she was showing up during the day around 2 or so for a swim which, in and of itself, is not an issue, but she was then hanging around well into dinner time. If I didn't work full time and if groceries were not so danged expensive I wouldn't mind so much having her for dinner once or twice a week, but when I get home from work the last thing I feel like doing is playing hostess....fortunately, H understands this and feels the same way. He can only take her for small bits of time as well.

    Our anniversary was on the 3rd and we went away for an overnighter down by the beach. H called her early Sunday morning to tell her that we wouldn't be home until late so we were cancelling dinner. She told him she may go over for a swim. At around 4pm, I received a text from easy child who was home doing work for her summer finals that mother in law showed up at 2, never swam and was just hanging out in our house. She was still there when we arrived home after 6PM. Before that she kept hinting at easy child that she was hungry and what was for dinner...oy. easy child was peeved; when we arrived home and as I was unpacking and throwing in laundry I asked H to make his mom a salad. mother in law immediately jumped up and made one for herself. I showered. Then, a little later, easy child presented us with the anniversary cake she makes us every year and a card. mother in law pulled out a card also and handed it to H. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that it was one of MY cards, from MY box of cards that are on MY shelf in MY bedroom!!! OMG. H suggested that maybe mother in law simply bought the same card, but there is no way. Almost all the cards I have are from fund raisers and this particular one is about two years old. There is no way she could have known where these cards were without prior snooping knowledge, if you know what I mean. The box is unmarked. Also, she has never ONCE acknowledged our anniversary and I know the only reason she did this year is because she knew easy child was making us our anniversary cake (because she was there all danged day!).

    Also, mother in law has finally gotten it out of her head that she will live with us in our home and is buying her condo. On the one hand, this is good. on the other hand, this is scary because she is still very much confused about a lot of things, criticizes every one of her neighbors even though they are her new friends, and she still believes people are coming into her apt and taking things. Very paranoid and difficult.

    However, I have been working non stop to detach from her weirdness as much as possible and have made a concerted effort to keep my mouth shut when it comes to figuring out the next steps, helping with her financial chaos, etc. It's been helpful that H understands and can see it from my perspective. That said, I am very nice, hospitable, helpful and kind to her. I invite her along for things I know she will be interested in and bow out of her invites to H during the week. I just have no desire to hang out with her during the week - Sundays are plenty for me.

    Wow, aren't you glad you asked, DDD???
  4. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    hearts and roses,

    Overall, it sounds like your difficult child is doing well. I love that she has made positive changes to her diet and is feeling better. Also love that she's reading a book on detachment and moods. I'm sure living at E's parents' house is stressful but like you said, she has a choice. Too bad about her job but it's great she fought, got unemployment benefits. At least she has money coming in while searching for a new job. Keeping my fingers crossed the next one will be the perfect job for her...

    I can understand the part about you saying that life is good without your difficult child living at home but worry about her at the same time. It was tough, what an understatement!, going from having an empty nest for a year, and then having difficult child 3 (really need to change my signature!!) move back in with us for the summer. The good news is that she's moving out next weekend and we'll get our empty nest back. However, like you with your difficult child, I worry about difficult child 3. But, and this is a huge BUT, I'm staying pretzeled that she won't need to live with us again. It's been a roller coaster ride that I don't want to repeat.

    It's really nice to "see" you. Like DDD, I've been thinking about you, wondering how things are going. It's uplifting to finish my last cup of coffee for the morning while reading good news. Thanks for sharing. SFR
  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    All in all it doesn't sound like it's going too poorly...at least compared to what was anticipated a year ago or so. Don't forget macular degeneration can result in "seeing people who are not there"...just in case it's similar to my neighbor who was originally thought to have AD. Thanks for the update. DDD
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    A good update about difficult child. Im proud of her. Oy on mother in law. I pray Im not that woman someday..lol. Thats why I keep telling my kids I want to live in a nursing home. (I have been thinking seriously I may be ready for one now...lol) However my kids keep saying they are going to have me live with them. Personally I think I would be miserable with any of them...lol.