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Update on DS
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 756283" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Dear BBU</p><p></p><p>I would be concerned too. From my own experience, this is what has happened when I give my son safe harbor. He uses it to further poor habits. He sees my support as something to be milked, rather than something to use to get a step up to independence and autonomy. The idea of reciprocity, my son has not yet heard of. I am gradually seeing that I have no control how my adult son lives, but I do have control over boundaries.</p><p></p><p> I remember in the past how hard that was for you when you felt (rightfully and understandably to me) that you were being steamrolled and did not have voice in your own household, with respect to the two young men. And how that led to a crisis in your relationship. But I also remember the clarity you got about your own boundaries and what you needed to do for you. </p><p></p><p>I have nothing really to say or recommend beyond offering my understanding and support. I do think your instincts are correct, that this is not good in the long run for DS, nor in the short-run for you. But the thing is, DS is responsible for himself. That is what I have learned about my own son. And you are responsible for you. And you have demonstrated in the past, your ability to get clarity about your own needs, and to act on it. </p><p></p><p>Have you opened up a dialog with W about all of this? You've both been so great taking the risk to bring DS home, despite his history. Maybe there has developed even more elasticity and confidence to bring to bear on this new iteration. But bottom line, you know how to do this.</p><p></p><p>Take care.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 756283, member: 18958"] Dear BBU I would be concerned too. From my own experience, this is what has happened when I give my son safe harbor. He uses it to further poor habits. He sees my support as something to be milked, rather than something to use to get a step up to independence and autonomy. The idea of reciprocity, my son has not yet heard of. I am gradually seeing that I have no control how my adult son lives, but I do have control over boundaries. I remember in the past how hard that was for you when you felt (rightfully and understandably to me) that you were being steamrolled and did not have voice in your own household, with respect to the two young men. And how that led to a crisis in your relationship. But I also remember the clarity you got about your own boundaries and what you needed to do for you. I have nothing really to say or recommend beyond offering my understanding and support. I do think your instincts are correct, that this is not good in the long run for DS, nor in the short-run for you. But the thing is, DS is responsible for himself. That is what I have learned about my own son. And you are responsible for you. And you have demonstrated in the past, your ability to get clarity about your own needs, and to act on it. Have you opened up a dialog with W about all of this? You've both been so great taking the risk to bring DS home, despite his history. Maybe there has developed even more elasticity and confidence to bring to bear on this new iteration. But bottom line, you know how to do this. Take care. [/QUOTE]
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