Update on Grandson, etc.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by mom_to_3, May 29, 2008.

  1. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    I always feel like I write a book when I post. I try not to, but can't quite get all the info I think is needed. Here is more info:

    First and foremost, my number one concern has always and will always be my grandson. I feel like my husband and I have been his only "voice" and his refuge when allowed and we have tried to be his guardian angels. In my mind, there is nothing more valuable than an innocent child. They had no choice to be here and totally rely on the adults for their every need. Some "adults" do a better job than others caring for their children.

    I got a call from the caseworker the day before yesterday asking if we were still willing to have him come here. We are. As it turns out the foster mother where he is staying with his little sister, gave her 30 day notice on him. He needs to be placed elsewhere because of his acting out, his half sister can stay. In the beginning the judge did not want to separate the children. He felt it was in the children's best interest to be placed together. I tried to explain that our grandson was high maintenance, but obviously he didn't get it. I guess one really can't until you have lived it.

    My grandson definitely has issues and on top of it, he is very angry and confused with his currant situation. He is able to express his anger verbally, but he is also expressing his anger by pooping and peeing anywhere but a toilet! He was doing this at home with his father. Big red flags, but I'm thinking it is more of a symptom of him living in the environment he was in. I hope. When he has come to visit our home, he has never done that. He is acting out in other ways too, hitting his sister, awake at night and sneaking food. He has had an on going issue with not being able to sleep thru the night for his whole life. He was allowed to sleep with his mother and father when they were together and was never taught to sleep on his own. He sleeps great if he's in bed with someone, but we all know that is not healthy for anyone.

    I am concerned and nervous. We love our grandson and he loves us and loves being here. He is a handful, very, very high maintenance, but we don't have the same kind of issue's that he has at home. He is supposed to have a psychological exam next week. He won't come here until after that exam. I am trying to contact the caseworker because I would like to have input.

    Speaking of psychological exams... his bio mother, (our difficult child), his father and step mom are all required to have a psychological exam and a parenting evaluation type thing too. That is one reason that I didn't feel like I wanted to voluntarily tell our difficult child's whole mental health history. CPS should be aware of our difficult child's history, they could at least look at their own records for information. So, no, I would NEVER send our grandson into harms way, abusive nor neglectful.

    We will not be foster parents for our grandson, but will provide what is called kinship care. CPS will offer NO services to us! I'm a tad bit upset about that. I asked for respite care to give us a break, no go, and I also asked for them to pay for him to go to preschool even part time as he needs socialization and structure so badly. Again, no go. When school starts up again, he will go to public school. Maybe that will give us time for him to feel secure and settle here. We'll take the summer and enjoy ourselves. It's been awhile since I've had to think up things for kids to do as my youngest is graduating this year. I want to put him in swimming lessons and we'll go to the library and we have a great playscape where there are lots of children. There are not many young children in our neighborhood sadly. I've got to find him activities and other boys to play with! We have our own swimming pool and he loves to swim, so that at least will wear him out. I need to get him a bike. He has a tree swing and one of those little tyke cars for outside play.

    Cross your fingers that I will have the stamina and patience to do this! Thanks for all of your other replies, they keep me thinking.
  2. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Here's hoping you find the energy to care for your grandson. Hoping also you find help in this endeavor......can only wish you the best and know that it will change his life!
  3. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    That makes me so angry that kinship care doesn't get afforded the same assistance that foster parents do. Like the biological link doesn't have you burn out? Yeah right! NOT!!!

    Check with your school district. It's quite possible that they have an Early Intervention Program that he could benefit from and you could gain some respite.

    Hugs to you,
  4. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Well, in all honesty, I think that they are playing you as far as offering no services. They think you will do it out of guilt. I would press my case for therapeutic services for him commensurate with any recommendations from the evaluation or tell them they can find someone else. I bet you find that they change their tune. Tell them that you won't have an answer for them until after the evaluation report is published.

    This is going to be a huge burden on you, and I admire you for wanting to do the right thing by your grandson. I also see that this is going to maintain very close ties with your daughter and Toadboy. You will need all of the help you can get, and you have a bargaining chip now that you won't have when he is already living with you. That bargaining chip is "No, unless..."

    {{{{{{{{{{Big hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}
  5. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    Witz, I have read the law from the family code. Kinship care does not provide the services I asked for. He will get mental health care that includes therapy, medicaid and dental care. They won't provide childcare unless I work fulltime, which I don't. They do give a one time amount of money to integrate the child into our home.

    The judge that had heard the other hearings seems to be a reasonable man. I will go next month to the next hearing and request respite and preschool for him for the summer then. It makes no sense for them not to pay since they are not having to pay for foster care any longer. My husband and I could go ahead and get a foster care license and then get the services. It would end up costing them more that way. Go figure!

    As far as close ties with our difficult child and "Toadboy" (wasn't that Jog's difficult child boyfriend?) They will not come to our home, nor will I accept phone calls from them. I will take our grandson to OUR local CPS office and they can have their visitation there. I'm sick of the fighting and don't want to be a part of it.
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I am glad you are getting your grandson. I dont know if you have read on here before where we have talked about freecycle but it is an organization where you can gather stuff that other folks are giving away. Just join up the local chapter at freecycle.org. You can probably find all sorts of little boy toys and clothing. Also check out craigslist.org for outside playstuff

    When mine were little guys we kept them running outside at parks, in the sprinklers, playing with homemade bubbles...even cheap shaving cream was a good toy.

    Good luck.
  7. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    You are doing a good things for this little boy. It's a big job to take on. Hugs.
  8. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Thank goodness!

    I guess it's better than a swift kick in the pants... :(


    You're right, that was someone else's difficult child's boyfriend. But it fits so many of them so darned well! Stand your ground there. You have to keep your sanity if you are going to do this!
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Your grandson is a very lucky boy.

    Sounds like your expectations are realistic. And you're thinking ahead. Both good things. And you're getting a plan into place.

    It's not gonna be easy and they'll be a big adjustment period. But what you're willing to do is wonderful.

    I'm assuming you've tried to get him to qualify for Head Start??

  10. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    You know -

    I think I would go ahead with a foster care license. For a few reasons - because 1. the state would then have to pay you, difficult child would be MORE in line with 'services', and 2. you could then take on other kids who you would be a gem of a parent to find for other difficult child kids - and that way your grandson would have other kids his age around and get socialized.

    It's not ever about the money vs. child - but wouldn't it make more good reasons for the services your grandson would get? And with the extra money from taking in other fosters - you could put some back for HIS future.

    Congratulations on your other child graduating - that's quite an accomplishment.

    How is your difficult child going to live there and not be insisting she help you? And what about the father? Will he get to see him and be a part of his life?

    What about the other 1/2 sister? What happens to her? If you were a foster - you could take her in you know.

    Just thinking out loud. Possibly NONE of it making sense.

  11. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Just to set the record straight:

    JoG's difficult child's boyfriend is monkeyboy.

    I believe Carolanne's difficult child's boyfriend is toadboy.

    And my X is just a toad.

    Now that the zoology lesson is over, I want to tell what I am sure you already know, you are an angel for your grandson. I am sending all the strength and good juju I have to help you get through the summer with him. I would bet that just being in your home will show an improvement in him.
  12. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Not that we don't like our daughter's boyfriends, mind you...


    So, M23, what kind of boy is your daughter's boyfriend? I think I'll call L's "Fancycat boy".

    You're a better woman than I. I wouldn't even try. I do like Star's idea of getting a Foster Parent license. Do you think it might be too late to do that? It would open a lot of doors for your grandson.
  13. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

  14. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    You know, you could tell them that you would be willing to take emergency temporary placements. You know, the poor little ones with nowhere to go when they haul mom and/or dad away and they have no place to put them for a night or two. You never know, it might help your grandson understand empathy a little, too.
  15. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    I'm not sure exactly how long it would take. I know it's not too late though. We've been thru the home visit, home study & interview and passed that. I know there are training classes that we would have to go thru. I believe that the classes thru CPS are longer than if you went thru an agency they placed with. It's an option my husband and I are considering mainly to get respite.
  16. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    That could still work in your favor as for respite. The place difficult child gets case management services from (and counseling till he canceled it cause he's all that at the age of 18) does have a respite service. I'm not sure of the cost, procedures, etc. because we never used it but you might want to start looking around at providers. They also have a summer youth program but yours may be too young. Not sure on that either so it can't hurt to look around.
  17. dirobb

    dirobb I am a CD addict

    I wish you luck....

    I like the emergency temporary idea..

    That is how we got difficult child 16sd..(only she was husband biodaughter...so a little different) CPS was fixing to do a removal...Told us if we needed any help they were there, if it became too much call and they would help with placement...(we got to meet her at 10 and had a handful of visits in the first two years and one the send two years when we picked her up at 14) Unfortunately for us they refused to help once we called...They claimed they did not remove her so they were not involved. To become involved they would have to charge husband with refusal to accept parental responsibility.....go figure.
    This vastly limited our options on help and resources.

    I think that you should try to see and get in writing what resources would be available whichever route you take and go with the one that would provide you with the best tools to help your grandson.

    Bless you for caring...he is lucky to have you and husband.
  18. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I both agree and disagree with the others. I agree that you should get your foster care license, you get more services and money to help cover the expenses that grandson will bring to you. I disagree about doing emergency placements -- at least for the first year -- if kids keep coming and going, grandson may be worried that he will be the next to leave. I know we took emergency respite of 1 little girl and when she had to leave, Tigger was so distraught, it wasn't worth it.
  19. I commend you for taking your grandson on. I wish you all the luck. He is lucky to have wonderful grandparents that are willing to care for him. You might want to check with your local school district and see if there is a Headstart program or something. A lot of times they do have a program for preschool aged kids, there might be a waiting list, but it's worth checking into to.

  20. cats55

    cats55 New Member

    Our two grandchildren have been with us on and off their whole life. We finally decided enough was enough and that they needed some stability in their life. Best decision ever! They both settled down and have adjusted so well. They know they have a bed to sleep in (which, by the way, is the same bed night after night) and they know that when they come home from school, we'll be there for them. We did not adopt them, but have thought seriously about it. What we did do, was go through DHS as grandparents taking care of grandkids. DHS pays for their medical & dental and we could have received daycare but recently refused (can't remember exactly why now - wish we hadn't). When we first applied for these services, we were worried about the amount of money that we make and whether that would disqualify us for svcs. We had to report the amount but they didn't take it into consideration. Thank goodness for the medical, though, since our grandson has asthma and has to take breathing treatments 2x day.

    Good job! This is a big task, I know, but your grandson is and will be so much better because of it. You just hang in there. Because I am 55 yo, I too worried about whether I could keep up with the kids. I take lots of vitamins and pray a whole lot.