Listen to step and the dv people. Medicare does NOT EVER EVER EVER have to be repaid. If you qualify, you get it period. It is our society's investment in our children, to make sure they have their health taken care of including dental and vision care. It is NOT something you repay EVER. If you suddenly win a million bucks or get a job paying more than the income limit, benefits end on a certain day after you report it. If you never report it, then they MAY take your tax returns. That is ONLY ONLY ONLY ONLY if you use the services fraudulently. You are NOT doing that, and as a society we WANT your kids and my kids and all kids to have health care because it makes them stronger adults with better futures as tax payers. So we do NOT want you to refund what you get. To be honest? We and our docs actually preferred the kids medicaid. No copays to stress the budget, no coinsurance fees, no deductibles. Some medications like cough medications and allergy medications are not covered, but even some of those are. Docs here like it because they are familiar with it and it eventually pays.
Medicaid has no copays for medications. So you can just go get them and not worry about what he wants. When it comes time for the TPO, get your law enforcement neighbors to go to court if you can. Trust me, you will get what you need that way.
As for custody, you have actual physical custody. With a divorce, legal custody is assigned. Many areas automatically do shared parenting where the kids are with one parent half the time and the other the rest. In cases like yours, you need to DOCUMENT what he does and says because you need full custody of the kids. ALL, not just ds13. When he cannot pick on you and ds13, he WILL make the other kids the target. It is what it is. So at the very least, print off your posts on ths website as a record of what is going on.
Documentation is your bestestest friend right now. You document everything he does with and with-o the kids. Document his crazy requests for the garage etc... and that it means you have to put a sick child in a cold car to get him to the doctor and school, that you had to beg for him to get medications for his children. No judge is going to like that, and they are NOT going to take his line of "she had a tinkertoy on the floor and a crumb on the table so she is a lazy slob who can't do anything" as anything but a sign he is a pure and complete abusive jerk. Judges tend not to like that.
Be aware that since he insisted you not work, and you have no income, he is going to end up paying your attorney. Do NOT go to court with-o one. The DV center can help, and may even provide a free one. But you get HALF of the marital assets, meaning ALL bank accounts, retirement accounts, stocks, bonds, property. ALL of it. Don't settle for less because he will NOT provide for his kids with you once you are out from under his power. He might if he thinks one is perfect enough, but even that is iffy. He will find that as teens they are not receptive to being owned and the whole father thing won't appeal unless one of them is a superstar in some aspect that he feels reflects well on him. So get ALL that you can now, because you cannot trust him to provide for them later. Child support will be taken out automatically, and he has no choice. In most places if an employer doesn't take child support out of a check in a timely manner, the employer can be and is held responsible. I know because I have a friend who's ex's company shuffled things to make it look like he wasn't getting paid and when he was getting paid it looked like he was only getting half of what he had been getting. The employer had to pay her the entire back amount and her ex did too. They also faced serious penalties and the threat of criminal charges for this stuff. So unless he either stops working all together or he finds a way to work with-o paying any taxes, then you will get child support.
Document everything, be willing to FIGHT HARD for your half because you EARNED IT. Sure, you worked in the home, making a home and raising kids. But he had a say in that and in many ways it was HIS choice and this means he cannot deny you any of the marital assets. So fight for them. go through every single paper in the house looking for bank records, financial records, tax forms, everything. Most peopel have a filin cabinet. Sure, he doesn't want you to look in it, but he is not there and you have more than every right to look at those things. You have a RESPONSIBILITY to your kids to look at those things.
You are a smart, funny, dynamic, wonderful warrior mother and you are making amazing strides. We are all so very proud of you because this takes a LOT of courage. Lean on your supports when you need them, including us. Don't give in on anything big and don't sign ANYTHING he gives you until an attorney sees it. It will be worth the attorney fees, even though that seems scary now. There will be NO offer from him that will be equitable, so just count on that from now on.
