Update on husband

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by MoonDancer, Aug 28, 2008.

  1. MoonDancer

    MoonDancer New Member

    RE: Can I cry now, please?

    Where to start? I can't quite think straight through this headache and tears.

    I woke up this morning to get kids off to school. husband was up already, and greeted me with a smile. That was refreshing to see. I got the kids to school and came back to the house. husband started talking and I just let him talk. Of course, I encouraged him to keep going with little appropriate inputs here and there. He is usually a quiet man, so when he talks I keep it going. He would not tell me about the note that he had written, but I pulled some of it out of him anyway. He did write such a note, but claimed that it was misinterpreted.

    husband has no recollection of yesterday evening. Last night, his Mom stopped by to check on him and brought cake for everyone. He doesn't remember her being here, or the cake. He doesn't remember me or the kids talking to him. He carried conversations last night coherently with everyone (or so it seems), but he remembers none of it today.

    Took husband to the doctor, where I filled her in on what happened yesterday, and the past week. husband couldn't even talk, or wouldn't. I told him "jump in anytime here" and he just sat there. I told the doctor about husband's pain. So the doctor is going to provide husband with some pain management treatments, which is needed. She asked husband if he thought about suicide, and he said "yeah, I do - but I don't think I'll ever do it". He said he'd thought about it seriously through all the pain in was in this past week, but today he feels fine. She said that if he'd thought about it and planned it then she'd have to commit him to a psychiatric facility. husband told her that he "hasn't" planned suicide. The doctor upped husband's Effexor for the meantime and is going to consider other methods of treatments for his depression. She strongly suggested that he goes to a psychiatrist, but he said he won't do it.

    Now on my part, husband has told me in the past some plans of his suicide. I took away his 9mm pistol two years ago, and gave it to someone for safekeeping. I hid all of the ammo for the other guns. He has rifles hung up, but no ammo for them. I control the money so I keep track of his purchases. I may dust everything else in the house, but I do not dust the rifles - my way of knowing if he ever touches them. Right now, they have a least a half inch of dust on them. No fingerprints, and I do check every day. Right now, I'm considering getting rid of all of them to his BFF buddy until it's safe again. We made plans to go to the BFF's house, and I'll pack them up when we go. Just to be safe. All it takes is one bullet.

    As we're waiting for husband's bloodwork to be done, husband talks about his tattoos. He has started a tattoo sleeve on his right arm and is quite proud of the designs. I drew some of the designs, so he's happy to display my art. He tells me what he wants to add on. Then he says to me "See I can't go anywhere soon if I'm making plans for these tattoos."

    husband and I went to see his boss and turn in his disability paper. The doctor put him out of work for a week until further notice. She said she'll keep him out of work longer if needed. husband's boss pulls him into a private office to talk with him. Apparently, the boss understands depression from his family and told husband that he will do whatever it takes for husband to get help. He offered to pay the medical bills if needed. As we were leaving, I asked the boss for the letter. husband doesn't know I have it.

    husband is currently out for coffee with his cousin. Which is good for him. I read the letter once he left. It was definately a suicide note. husband states in the letter that he cannot take the pain anymore, and he's tired of working for *bleep*holes. He goes on to say that "my wife took away my pistol, but there's other ways". He thens asks his friend to "go by and check on my wife once in a while for me". Then thanks his friend for being there for him.

    This is all I can handle right now.....will continue later.
    Last edited: Aug 28, 2008
  2. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    <<HUGS>> I am so sorry, praying for intervention from above
  3. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    I am so sorry. You are in my prayers. You are good woman with a lot on your plate. I commend you.

    God bless. :)
  4. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm very sorry. Sending prayers your way.
  5. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry. Sending many hugs and prayers.
  6. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    I'm so very sorry.
    I am impressed by the strength and grace with which you're handling such a painful situation.

    Sending prayers and strength. Hugs to you.
  7. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I'm so sorry you're going through this. You sound like you're doing everything possible you can think of. Can you show your husband's letter to the doctor? Or at least fill him in about it?

    We've just had a very public suicide in Aussie news in the last 24 hours - a much-loved talented young actor who was suffering from depression. There has been a lot of exposure to the topic and the coverage that shows how well-loved the young man was and what services are available - if only people could see the pain this can cause others in their lives, the people who love them and would be hurt by their determination to end it all - maybe it would make it easier for them to reach out for the help they need.

    If your husband's back pain can be eased at all, would that help? Or is his depression too severe now?

    Maybe in hospital he could get pain medications stabilised too?

  8. MoonDancer,

    I am sending prayers for patience and strength to both you and husband.

    I work with folks who are dealing with chronic, severe pain. I agree wholeheartedly with Marg's suggestion. husband needs to be connected with a pain management physician and a psychiatrist who work together with their treatment plans. I don't know about your area, but we have several clinics in our area who offer such "one-stop" treatment.

    A hospital admission to get husband the attention he needs is a wonderful idea. It is vital that the docs work together to help him get his pain and his life back to a manageable place.
  9. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    husband is so lucky to have you in his life. What a strong person you are. You are doing all the right things.

    Now, for the next step: You need to have a plan in place for helping your husband. This may not yet be over - what will you do? How will you get him to the psychiatric hospital if needed? How close does his BFF buddy live? Can he be available to be called upon to help?

    I do hope husband gets the medications he needs for back pain. I really hope you find a way to convince him that getting help for depression will make his life so much happier.

    Hugs - Hugs - Hugs
  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I have no experience in this area but it sounds as though you are doing an outstanding job of providing support, protection, encouragement and love.

    Do you have anyone who understands what you are going through and can support you? I sure hope so.

    Sending caring thoughts and a cyber hug your way. DDD
  11. BestICan

    BestICan This community rocks.

    Hi, I'm glad to see your update, and I'm glad to see that you and the doctor are helping your husband. I think you're taking very good care of him, and just the fact that he went with you to the doctor demonstrates to me that he is interested in helping himself, too, even though he might not be able to help himself much at this point.

    My father committed suicide just a few months ago, and you'd think I'd have some good practical advice, but sadly, I don't, not really. Chronic pain was one of his many issues. The only thought I have is that you may want to prepare yourself and your husband that there will likely be setbacks in the treatment of his pain and his depression, and that it might be very hard for husband to see his way beyond those little moments. Remember (and remind husband) that, overall, you're on a positive path, and that there is always hope, and always options you haven't tried - like a psychiatrist! My dad didn't have anyone to take away his gun, or take him to the doctor, or monitor his mood, so your husband has a terrific support system by comparison.

    I read your original post, but I must have missed something - why did husband forget a portion of the evening? Was he medicated?

    Good luck getting through this, and bless you for your vigilance.
  12. allhaileris

    allhaileris Crumbling Family Rock

    I think he needs to change his medications. I have been dealing with pain for 6 years now which caused some major depression. I took Effexor for the first couple of years and towards the end of that period was beyond depressed, the Effexor wasn't working at all and all I could think of was jumping off a bridge (I live near a few, including the Golden Gate Bridge, easy suicide spot). I finally switched to Wellbutrin and have been fairly stable since then. I did take a year off work, which helped incredibly and have found a job that doesn't stess me out and doesn't hurt me physically. So when I do have a bad day with the pain, I can keep my butt in my chair and it's not an issue.

    Taking as much time as he really needs to heal physcially is important. If he pushes himself he'll hurt more and then get into this cycle. I have had to learn not to push myself. It's taken some greiving, but things are better (not perfect but better).

    Effexor is a horrible drug. It took me months to wean myself off of it, I got horrible headaches and these brain zap things. But once it was done I could really tell the difference between the two drugs.
  13. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry. Are you doling out his pills to him? In all honesty, knowing what I know, I would wonder if the lack of memory was because of some sort of failed suicide attempt. OTC sleep medications or something could cause that type of memory loss.

    Are you going to send the note to the doctor? He may be angry at you if you do, but angry is better than dead, and he would be going to the best place possible to deal with his anger. I'm sure his boss is willing to help as much as possible, but only if he makes every effort to recover.

    Good luck to you all.
  14. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am so sorry you are dealing with this. It hits so close to home. Sigh. I am finding it really hard to offer much other than supportive hugs.