update on Kate

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by KATES_MOM, Jan 10, 2008.


    KATES_MOM New Member

    It has been quite awhile since I updated on Kate. She came home from Residential Treatment Facility (RTF) stay in June. We had home based family therapy going. The deal was befor she came home ZERO tolerance of any physical abuse or Kate would have to leave again. Things went well for awhile I guess about Sept. 1st she started slipping becoming agitated and slipping in her moods. Well eventually she hit! I told her she would have to leave, she called her dad and he came to get her, on Sept. 26th. This is where she lives now. I have begged him for years to help me with her, he never would. But finally he has stepped up.
    I am not saying he is doing things the way I would but she is still there. He has threatened to make her leave sevral times.
    He also told her she didnt have to do therapy or medications anymore. So she doesnt! She really doesnt talk much to me, only when she needs something. I have started therapy( advice form Kate's psychiatrist) I have been working on letting go, which is hard.
    I will never totally let go, but I have to let go enough to let her make her own choices and reap her own consequenses.
    I worry constantly about her well being. But am also learning
    alot about worry, and what it has done to me. At this point Kate thinks the sun rises and sets on her dad. She does have conflicts with him often, and tries to bring me into it. I shut it right down. I tell her this is between you and your dad. But I do tell her if there is a concern that has direct ties to her then I am here to listen. I try very hard not to get drawn into her web. She knows I love her very much, and that I wish we could have a relationship with-o so many disagreements. I am here for her on her side pulling for her. But at the same time she knows I will not tollerate her abusive behaviors to me or anyone in my home. I have set boundries, and I dont dare let her cross over them ever. Not even once or this could be a huge set back for us both. She will be 16 in June. I wish I could have her until she is of age to move out on her own, but she choose not to have this with me. I have to learn to deal with that.
    I have gotten to this point after realizing I have exhausted every avenue with Kate. I have pulled resourses from out of corners, we have seen every child psychiatrist in our county, she has had numerous programs, out and in patient, even support in school.I have no where else to turn.Everything I have tried in the past has not worked even the 18 diff. medications tried on her.
    So " if it hasnt been working try something diff."
    Instead of always coming thru the front door to help her I am now using the back door approach. Which is hard and often takes alot of thought, its a real diff. way of thinking and acting. For some this comes easy, but for me, its really hard. But I am making it. I pray to God every night to wrap himself around her like a cacoon, to protect her, & keep her alive, safe , and well.
    For now I rely on this. Its all I have at this point.
    Thanks for the ears. Hope everyone here is as well as expected.
    I will read through some post to catch up on whats going on now. Thanks again, Kathy>> Kate'smom
  2. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member


    You are doing what you need to do to keep your family safe. Kate also benefits because she learns that some lines do not get crossed without serious consequences. I'm sorry your mommy-heart is so sore (((hugs))). I'll pray for you and yours that Kate finds her way to an appropriate relationship with you.
  3. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    It's so easy to say "it's hard to do what's right." You are living that. As much as you would love to have a close bond and relationship with your daughter (her living with you), you are doing what she needs right now and your needs are taking a back seat. That is admirable.

    I hope this step back for both of you brings about a positive outcome. Being there for her when she needs to talk is a wonderful way to show her how much you love and care for her. "Taking the back door" would be very hard for me as well. Keep those prayers going - I do the same very day! Thanks for sharing your thoughts and your update with us.

  4. blb

    blb New Member


    I think you are well aware of the honeymoon period and it probably is only a matter of time before things get tense there too. But I think it is important that you did that, because if not, she would always use her dad against you.

    What you are doing to not get drawn into her drama is great. I'm sorry the Residential Treatment Facility (RTF) didn't stick; hopefully at some point she will realize that you did all that you did out of love for her. I know with my difficult child, she was capable of understanding what she did, but if she kept company with others who she could manipulate instead, she didn't have to worry/deal with trying to get real help.

    It is a very helpless feeling to watch them spiral out of control. My difficult child is doing all of the things that I killed myself to try to help/keep her from ever starting, the drinking, drugs, sex I think. I hope Kate seeks you out before she spirals too far.
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the update.
    I agree with-the honeymoon comment. It's a matter of time.
  6. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You are an amazing warrior mom :warrior:You are doing what is best for Kate and it isn't easy at all. Gentle hugs to you.
  7. drained1

    drained1 New Member


    your blog touched my heart. i feel like i am losing my child too so i send hugs to you from one sad heart to another. i too feel i am missing out on everything i was supposed to see. i think we are doing the right thing. it has to be. my sister has serious issues, to this day the family ignores them. mental health is a taboo thing for them. she never got help my folks (bless their hearts) gave up to this day she blames everyone for everything doesnt take responsibility for anything and she is 50. i think if we have done everything we can as their mothers (except step in front of a truck like i have been asked) one day.....many days from now.....i pray your child and mine will finally see we loved them enough to push as far as we can in a flawed system until there was no more money or pushing we could do. i worry too my child will view this as she "won" especially if i dont get the Residential Treatment Center (RTC)....but the bigger picture is the safety of everyone else. yes it hurts and i feel the pain you have reading your blog. so again lots of hugs and thank you your blog has given me strength.
  8. MrsMcNear46

    MrsMcNear46 New Member


    If you remember, I went thru the same thing with Sweet Betsy. I did let her move into dads and I stepped way back for over a year. It was very difficult, but she got better without me.

    I learned from that year to turn my worry into prayer. I prayed constantly and am blessed that she stayed safe and unharmed.

    Life is not perfect now, but at 18, she is accountable, responsible and hasn't had a meltdown in over a year. Maturity caught up with her and she is an amazing young woman, who now understands who am I, why I made the choices I did for her and that every intention from me was from the depths of my heart. She is greatful and we are closer than ever.

    Hang in there. I will keep you guys in my prayers.


  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    It is so hard when our kids refuse to let us parent them. I also have had to learn the strange world of not parenting my own child. Sounds like you are doing things well.