update on my girls

[janebrain]

Hi Everyone,
just thought I'd give an update on the difficult children.

difficult child 1 has the new baby, Liam, and he is now 6 weeks old. I have one picture of him that she sent from her phone to mine but he looks real cute, looks a lot like my own babies. She has more "real" pics in the mail to me now.

She seems to be crazy about Liam. She said he is holding his head up real well now and she feels so proud of him. She says she has never been so proud of anything in her life as she is of him. I take this as an excellent sign that she will take as good care of him as she can. I have no idea how the boyfriend is as a dad, can only hope he is okay. I do know she is working again at her club (must be nice to get your figure back so quickly) and he takes care of Liam when she is at work. She has to ride a ferry for an hour (she is on an island in the Sound) and then take a bus to get to work. She says she is saving money in a bank account but who knows?

difficult child 2/easy child is having a rough spot right now. She says one of her parts is emerging that the other parts have been trying to keep hidden (she has dissociative disorder--working on integrating her various "parts" of self). She has been quite miserable this past week.

On a good note though she has been accepted into a gap year program for next year (she graduates high school in June). She will be earning some college credit with the program while going to India for 3 months with a small group next fall. Then in January she will go on a solo internship somewhere.

My easy child son is doing okay out in Seattle on his own. I'm sad that he and difficult child 1 don't have contact anymore but he has to protect himself. If you recall, difficult child 1's boyfriend stole money from easy child son and they parted ways.

Thanks for reading!

Jane

 

[Suz]

Jane, thanks for the update.

I have to say that I am in awe of your difficult child 2/easy child and would like to hear more about her if you don't mind sharing. It sounds as if she is succeeding, despite the many. many challenges associated with her disorder.

Suz

 

[janebrain]

Oh, thanks Suz! No, I don't mind sharing. She seemed "normal" up until the time her sister went to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) in Utah back in 2004. She (I will call her M) was a sensitive child, but very good student, never any trouble, all that kind of thing. Then we sent E (difficult child 1) off to her Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and I thought I could now concentrate on M and we could all just have a normal, peaceful life for awhile. Well, after E was away for about 3 months, M went to visit her best friend who lives in Maine and when she returned she said she needed to talk to me. Her best friend convinced her she should tell me that she was having hallucinations.

Apparently she was often seeing someone she called "the man in dark" and he was scary. He'd be in her room or in the hall and he would tell her to do bad things. She said she once found herself in the kitchen with a butcher knife in her hand and didn't remember how she ended up like that.

Well, this was a complete shock to me and also so discouraging--I felt like, "oh no, I've got another kid with a zillion problems." So, we got her into therapy and it took quite some time before she and the therapist figured out what was wrong. She had tentative diagnoses of adhd and bipolar and depression and she tried a couple of antidepressants and was on concerta for awhile. Nothing really helped and she didn't like taking medications so we agreed she could stop. She and her therapist came to a diagnosis of dissociative disorder together and it does seem to make sense.

We found out that E had been emotionally and even physically abusive to M and M was afraid to tell us what was going on. I really had no idea. I knew E was mean to M sometimes and I knew she was very jealous of her but they also seemed very close. I knew E's rages scared M and that M was very worried about E when she was drinking and doing drugs, etc.

Anyway, M had learned to "space out" in order to cope with her sister. She has improved a lot over these past 4 years and she now knows when she is dissociating and she is understanding what triggers her and she is getting to know her different parts of self and is trying to accept them. She used to cut and she told me today she really wants to cut again but I don't think she has. I think one of the harder things for her is she feels no one really understands her except her therapist and she is probably right. Her friends don't really get it, teachers don't get it, I try to understand but I know I don't totally get it either. I do understand her frustration because she is "different"--when I talk to other moms they want to attribute her problems to hormones or her age or stuff like that.

Well, I have to go--am at work and have to do some actual work! Please feel free to ask me questions if I haven't answered them! Thanks for your interest and for caring!

Jane

 

[hearts and roses]

Aw, Jane, it was so nice to read about your grandson and how difficult child is coping with him. I sure hope that boyfriend is kind to his son while she is working. Who knows? Maybe they will turn a corner because of Liam.

 

[everywoman]

I'm glad that difficult child seems to be enjoying motherhood and is in good enough "shape" to return to work. Hopefully boyfriend will do whaqt he is supposed to do. Is he working now?

I'm sorry easy child/difficult child is having some trouble. It may be the upcoming graduation and knowing she will soon be leaving the safety of mom. She already knows how horrible some people can be.

easy child and difficult child may never rebuild the bond they had. She broke his trust. That is hard to earn back, but it doesn't seem to be bothering him too badly.

My pcdaughter and difficult child have also had a very strained relationship because of difficult child's abuse towards her in early adolescence. They have been rebuilding it since she returned from basic training and he has had to help her out a lot. He has been kind and helpful during her recovery and she seems to be more relaxed when he is around. I don't think she will ever forget what he did, but she does seem to have forgiven him and that has helped her recovery as well.

 

[Hound dog]

Jane I think it's awesome that M is doing so well overcoming her coping mechanizms which caused the disorder. I can imagine it has to be really tough on her. But she's one brave girl for facing it head on and working with her therapist to over come it.

Sounds like motherhood is agreeing with difficult child. Hopefully it will enough to motivate her into more easy child type behavior. Don't forget to post pics of the grand baby asap. You know us board aunties have got to get our ohhhhhs and ahhhhhhhs in. lol

Hugs

 

[Suz]

Thank you for sharing, Jane. My knowledge of Dissociative Disorder is pretty limited. I'm so glad to see that she is working hard to integrate and that she is finding some success. What a courageous young woman you have.

Suz

 

[rejectedmom]

Congratulations Grandma! It sounds like your grandbaby and my newest one were born around the same time. My daughter also loves her baby to pieces and told her husband that she has a new "love of her life". so sorry about M developing this disorder. Often when we get one difficult child under control or out of the house the 'quiter' problems can be seen. I am glad she is getting good therapy and hope she will continue to recover from the tramas she suffered at E's hands. -RM

 

[Star*]

Jane -

WHAT wonderful news to hear that your daughter (Mom to Liam) is enjoying being a Mom. And yes - to get your figure back so soon? ugh. brat.

Sorry about your other daughter. I can't imagine how hard that must be. Hugs to you both.

I figured by now your son would be back home - wonder what is keeping him in that town?

HUGE hugs - sounds like you are dealing with it all very well. I admire your strength.

Hugs
Star

 

[bran155]

Congrats to the proud grandma and to the mommy for stepping up the way she is!!!

That is great that M is so insightful as to how to help herself. I'm impressed by how well she knows herself. The mere fact that she is willing to use the tools she has learned to better cope with her disorder is amazing!!!

{{{HUGS}}}

 

[flutterbee]

Jane, I'm glad to read the update. It seems difficult child is really taking to being a mom.

Wynter just finished a book, The Night I Disappeared, and she wanted me to read it. It's written for teens, but it was good and it's about a 16 or 17 year old girl with a dissociative disorder (fiction book).

I had a friend with Dissociative Disorder and he would sometimes 'wake up' days later and not know where he was or how he got there. I believe that's called a fugue state. Like your daughter, he went through various diagnosis's before they settled on this one. For a while, they thought DID, but then they decided that those episodes were fugues.

It's amazing how well easy child is dealing with this. She's a very strong young woman.

 

[janebrain]

Thanks everyone, for your messages! And now my husband has a brand new granddaughter--Isabella Rose. She was born yesterday morning--daughter of husband's oldest son and his wife--stable situation. She was 12 days overdue so is big--9lbs 1oz.

Star, I don't expect easy child son will return to Ithaca--not much here for a single guy who isn't in college. I think he likes Seattle quite well and has a job he can make enough money to save up and start getting out of debt, maybe go to college, etc. Also, I think he is afraid of becoming too dependent on us if he lives near us. He told me at one point he needed to get away from Ithaca and the safety net we provide.

Thanks for encouraging words about difficult child 2/easy child. Sometimes I forget how hard she is working at overcoming her difficulties, willing to revisit a lot of painful memories in order to get past them.

Thanks, Guys!

Jane