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Update on my Homeless Son
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 665392" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>It seems to me that the kids do need to hear, not so much about their potential, but about who they are: raised better than to do what they are doing. I think it shakes them up a little if the mom who was always so worried, who was always saving them from the choices they made, suddenly starts seeing them differently ~ seeing them as strong, competent adults and saying so. We don't want to teach our kids they need mom or dad to provide the basics every adult must provide for himself. That is how adults lose respect for themselves.</p><p></p><p>We do not get to enable.</p><p></p><p>Recovering Enabler posted to us: We know we are enabling when we resent the help we are giving.</p><p></p><p>That was a good way to measure what we were doing, and why. It is harder to say no than it is to enable. In the end, enabling is the more destructive choice, both for you and for your son.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>It helped us to say those words "NO MONEY" when we thought about what we would need to see from the child before we would help. If you do that, if you make a list of the things you would need to see before you will help, what we realize is that if the kids were doing any of that, they would not need us. </p><p></p><p>We can say:</p><p></p><p>"You were raised better than to do what you're doing."</p><p></p><p>"I expect you to behave like the man your father and I raised you to be."</p><p></p><p>"You beat methadone. Good for you. You are strong and smart and I knew you would beat it. It must have been hard and I'm proud of you but I never doubted that you would. What are you doing now?"</p><p></p><p>Blah, blah, blah, I need money.</p><p></p><p>"NO MONEY. We have learned a new parenting theory. We are no longer enabling. Enabling is destructive. We know you are strong and bright and we know you will do the right thing and we are no longer enabling. You need to stand up."</p><p></p><p>Blah, blah I need money.</p><p></p><p></p><p>"No money. I love you. What are you going to do?"</p><p></p><p>"I'm sorry that happened, honey. How are you thinking to handle it?"</p><p></p><p>Blah blah I want money.</p><p></p><p>"No. We don't enable. I have every faith in you. I know you will come through this with flying colors."</p><p></p><p>Who else is going to tell them that?</p><p></p><p>They hate that kind of talk.</p><p></p><p>That's okay.</p><p></p><p>Though we understand how hard it must be to kick an addiction, I think it helps the kids if we treat their recoveries as a matter of course.</p><p></p><p>"You detoxed from methadone. Good job! I knew you could do it. <em>I expected no less. You are very strong. You will take your life as far up as you have taken it where it is today. I believe in you. I know you will pull yourself out of this when you are ready to. I am proud of you."</em></p><p></p><p><em>NO MONEY</em></p><p></p><p>We have begun saying: It is better for you to take the reins of your life. You know what you are doing. I refuse to enable. Enabling is destructive. Every time I save you, I teach you you cannot save yourself. Every time you choose to use or to do some other self destructive thing, you choose the consequences that attend it. I love you. I want you to do well but I cannot live your life for you. Only you can live your life. </p><p></p><p>Or, "We had hoped you would be done with this self-destructive stuff by now." </p><p></p><p>Or: I love you too much to love you this way. I am your mother. You are breaking my heart. Stop it. Turn this around."</p><p></p><p>I am happy you found the site. </p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 665392, member: 17461"] It seems to me that the kids do need to hear, not so much about their potential, but about who they are: raised better than to do what they are doing. I think it shakes them up a little if the mom who was always so worried, who was always saving them from the choices they made, suddenly starts seeing them differently ~ seeing them as strong, competent adults and saying so. We don't want to teach our kids they need mom or dad to provide the basics every adult must provide for himself. That is how adults lose respect for themselves. We do not get to enable. Recovering Enabler posted to us: We know we are enabling when we resent the help we are giving. That was a good way to measure what we were doing, and why. It is harder to say no than it is to enable. In the end, enabling is the more destructive choice, both for you and for your son. *** It helped us to say those words "NO MONEY" when we thought about what we would need to see from the child before we would help. If you do that, if you make a list of the things you would need to see before you will help, what we realize is that if the kids were doing any of that, they would not need us. We can say: "You were raised better than to do what you're doing." "I expect you to behave like the man your father and I raised you to be." "You beat methadone. Good for you. You are strong and smart and I knew you would beat it. It must have been hard and I'm proud of you but I never doubted that you would. What are you doing now?" Blah, blah, blah, I need money. "NO MONEY. We have learned a new parenting theory. We are no longer enabling. Enabling is destructive. We know you are strong and bright and we know you will do the right thing and we are no longer enabling. You need to stand up." Blah, blah I need money. "No money. I love you. What are you going to do?" "I'm sorry that happened, honey. How are you thinking to handle it?" Blah blah I want money. "No. We don't enable. I have every faith in you. I know you will come through this with flying colors." Who else is going to tell them that? They hate that kind of talk. That's okay. Though we understand how hard it must be to kick an addiction, I think it helps the kids if we treat their recoveries as a matter of course. "You detoxed from methadone. Good job! I knew you could do it. [I]I expected no less. You are very strong. You will take your life as far up as you have taken it where it is today. I believe in you. I know you will pull yourself out of this when you are ready to. I am proud of you."[/I] [I]NO MONEY[/I] We have begun saying: It is better for you to take the reins of your life. You know what you are doing. I refuse to enable. Enabling is destructive. Every time I save you, I teach you you cannot save yourself. Every time you choose to use or to do some other self destructive thing, you choose the consequences that attend it. I love you. I want you to do well but I cannot live your life for you. Only you can live your life. Or, "We had hoped you would be done with this self-destructive stuff by now." Or: I love you too much to love you this way. I am your mother. You are breaking my heart. Stop it. Turn this around." I am happy you found the site. :O) Cedar [/QUOTE]
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