Update on my man child

[Mattsmom277]

Three months ago he hadn't washed dishes, helped around the house, wasn't bothering to do his own laundry, didn't clean his room. Basically was a lump in the bedroom, attached to his xbox and laptop computer.
Now all I hear in his daily phone calls (yes he calls each day! I look forward to the calls) about how they've worked out the budget for the new deck, the new roof they are getting put on, his work to tame the property that overgrew for 5 years with the previous owner. He calls from the parking lot of the hardware store with questions for S/O before he picks things up in there. He's nearly finished painting the inside of the house. They've pretty much bought new furnishings for the entire house (3 bedrooms, 3 stories) so now he's a interior designer instead of the kid who decorated his room a few months back with empty take out coffee cups, empty pop cans and empty energy drink cans. Constant updates on job opportunities and the first aid course for the oil fields he has coming up this week. Talks about his career counselling thing at the local college (narrowed it to geology, forestry or engineering it sounds like). He's getting very adept at driving and here I fought him from age 16-18 and he wouldn't go write for his license. Finally convinced him to go a week before he moved out, told him he need ID (*wink*). Now he's working with his g/f's uncle to get a truck on the road for himself.

He's a entirely different young man. It's wonderful to hear him enthused and motivated and hopeful and looking forward with optimism. Haven't heard a pessimistic word from his mouth since he left, when even though he had crossed into easy child land, he remained very difficult child about making any plans or having a positive attitude about many things. I can't wait to go visit him and see him in a element that suits him and has enhanced his personality instead of stifling it. He was very stifled living in this city because he was determined to not remain here so cut ties to all outside the house.

 

[Shari]

Wonderful update. Thanks for sharing.

 

[witzend]

See? He WAS listening all that time!

 

[donna723]

That's a fantastic update! A real day brightener!

 

[Hound dog]

Wow! Great news indeed!

Sounds like he's having a blast.

 

[Malika]

That's really good news and heartening.
What turned things around for your son to cause this transformation?

 

[Mattsmom277]

Thanks all

Malika, he turned a corner quite a few years ago after I had him go try living with his father. The terms to come home were being a healthy functioning member of this family and refusal to allow him to return if it meant chaos again, which none of us were willing to live with anymore. I knew he would want to return, I didn't know it would take him near to a year of growing more difficult child before he'd decide he wanted home again. But when he came home, he started turning it all around. Sheer will perhaps? I don't really know. I know he has said often that the best thing I ever did for him was that tough love approach. I wish it was a magic serum I could share with other struggling difficult child's. I tend to think it was just determination on his part, mixed with the knowledge that I was standing my ground. Maybe we'll never know fully well all of the why's.

He hasn't been motivated to do much, or think ahead. He hasn't been any sort of help in the house although he became enjoyable to have in the home and we grew very close again, as we hadn't been for probably 8 years before. He just turned 18 and moved across the country with his g/f. I think his motivation was huge to move out of our town, something he's wanted for years. His g/f is 23 (to his 18) and has a good career and very responsible too so it keeps him wanting to do more, dream a bit bigger than he did. It's been a great move for him

 

[TerryJ2]

Wow, that's wonderful!
I was wondering, as well, what prompted the change. Looks like a combination of things.
Hmmm ... maybe I can send my difficult child to go live with-P in assisted living?

 

[Mattsmom277]

Terry, it was for sure a combination of many factors, combined with his personality too I guess. I know other things that caused the change were maturing in his thinking, realizing that he had rose colored glasses about loved ones that he should love but also needed to see as the unhealthy people they were. He also has seen me stand up for myself more the past 5-6 years than I have all of my life. I know that it influenced his belief in himself when he saw me reclaim many areas of my life. He also has had the influence of my S/O and seeing him and I have a healthy relationship. Before S/O I had 2 meaningful (kind of lol) relationships, but neither were healthy and neither impacted difficult child except to cause some upset when our situations changed. He didn't cope well with change. He also was a believe a bit ashamed. When he was living with his dad that short while was when S/O I went beyond "dating". When he returned, it was to a healthier and happier mother and a male in the picture who demonstrated treating people with respect. It's extra hard to be verbally horrid to your mother when the other man in the picture never speaks nasty in anger and uses healthy coping tools when stressed etc. I guess it was the right combination of changes in his life and changes in himself. I'm grateful for even the tough changes because they resulted him being the person I knew he was under all that acting out and anger and squashed pain. Even his physical disabilities aren't on his radar anymore. Before they were a burden in his mind and a obstacle dooming him to life long failure. Very pessimistic. Maybe my MS issues these past few years helped him view his limitations differently. He knows his won't get worse than they have now, his being there since early development and just are a part of him now.