My difficult son was discharged from the partial hospitalization( after got very upset and said he wanted to kill himself) last Wednesday. He was prescribed a mood stabilizer which I had reported he was willingly taking and all seemed ok. Fast forward to Sunday and he decided that he was no longer taking any medications. He spent the better half of the day, being very difficult and verbally abusing anyone who came near him. He shared with me today that it was my fault, that I made him mad and that caused him to decide to stop the medications that very day. If I remember correctly the trigger was me asking him to do his chore of giving the dogs water. Eventually he let me know that he was actually having a side effect of hallucinations with the medications and that he had not gotten around to telling us about it. So after much manipulation and stress, he is no longer on any medications. As far as I can tell, he is not smoking weed. The up and down of this is taking such a toll on our entire family. The rise to hope that he is going to be proactive and willing to help himself to another day of despair and raging. Up and down , up and down. We had a conversation about how without the medications, he now has to reach deeper into his toolbox of coping skills when he feels down or agitated. That part went well until I told him that it was not good that he stopped yet another medicine cold turkey. That it is hard on his body. Then he went off about how he was going to die anyway, hopefully sooner than later. Then he started ranting about how it was so unfair that he isn't allowed to kill himself, thats its against the law, etc etc. And then I can feel myself slipping into that dark and scary place where I am consumed with worry about what he might do. Yet at the same time, I know that he didn't try to kill himself that when really pressed, he offered that he didn't want to die at all. I feel guilty because it makes me mad that he just opens his mouth and says things with no regard to how they make all of us worry when he doesn't really seem to mean it. Yet, of course no one really knows. I am trying so hard to care for myself and stay present in life and happiness when he is struggling so. I didn't do so well today. I pray tomorrow will be better. He is on homebound education for the next 6 weeks due to his anxiety so I get no break from the constant stress. I am going to wrap this up in the same way I fall asleep at night. By listing the positives: today he is not smoking weed, today he is participating in his schooling and catching up without argument, today he shared with me how he felt about the medicine.