difficult child, as many of you know, was arrested again nearly four weeks ago (four weeks tomorrow). The same day he texted to say he got a job is the same day he was arrested for shoplifting at Walmart. He's been in jail since then. This time, he could go to prison. Last time, he agreed to "language" that said if you get arrested one more time, you're going to prison. I understand his PO may or may not violate him. I was crushed at the news four weeks ago. And, I have come to see more since that time. 1. I have not accepted him as he is. 2. I have been waiting every day for him to change. Silently but actively waiting. 3. This may go on forever or a very very long time---longer than I ever imagined or could conceive. 4. I have a ways to go in my own recovery. I have come a long way, and I still have a long way to go. Like SO says, it takes a long time to walk into the forest. And it takes a long time to walk out of the forest. 5. I have to let him go even more. These are good things for me to realize. They are reality. I am tired of living in a dream world. I am tired of my own naivete. That doesn't mean I have given up hope. I haven't. I know miracles happen and he can turn, and walk in a new direction at any time. God is in charge. God is right here with me and with him. God wants the best for both of us. But I am continuing to choose life. My own best life I can build. God is even good in this. I have been very busy for the past several weeks. Busy with my grad school class---my final is Monday night---and it's the hardest class so far, and likely will be the hardest class I take in the program. I have lots of work---I have my own business and I am very busy. There is more to do every day than I can do. That is such a blessing, that I am depended on and I have committed to things outside myself. So I decided a couple of weeks ago---after I regained some of my equilibrium---that I would relax into this time instead of fighting against it. Who knows what will happen? My resistance or over-focus will not make it happen or not happen. I have done that. I have continued to work on myself, to do nice things (I bought a beautiful bunch of yellow tulips at the grocery store and I had them in a vase on my kitchen table until they were no more) for myself, to go to Al-Anon, to read and write on this site, to get as much rest as possible, to exercise four or five days a week. Last week I called difficult child's PO and left messages. He has not called me back. I wanted to find out what the process is for difficult child now in terms of violating his probation and possibly going to prison. I almost drove to the probation office and walked in to try to talk to somebody but just in time, I stopped myself, and I realized that I was trying to force a situation. I was trying to control something. I stopped myself, and I didn't go. I looked online to see if he is on the court docket. I can't see any kind of listing with his name. I haven't written him since the first postcard I sent when he went back to jail. He wrote me two letters and I haven't written back to the second one which was begging me to come and bail him out. Same old stuff. I haven't visited him. But as the time nears for him to possibly get out, I have decided that I am going to go and visit him. I am going to try to do that next Wednesday afternoon. My final will be over and a big project will be behind me. SO and I are going the next day to see easy child's fiancee graduate from pharmacy school. It will be the right time for a visit. I have also realized that I don't have to stay for the whole 45 minutes. If I don't feel comfortable, I will leave early. I want to lay eyes on difficult child, hear him talk, see how he is mentally and physically, and see if he knows what is next for him. I will also tell him not to come here if he gets out. These past four weeks have taught me more things that I needed to learn. I am pinching myself and trying to "take my own pulse" right now to see how I am really doing. I believe I have made progress in my expectations and in my acceptance with difficult child. I do not expect him to do anything different this time. I feel something different in my chest about that. I know I can fool myself. I had thought I was doing well with acceptance, but I found out I was not as far along as I thought on that. I might be the same this time. I can't see what I can't see, and I can't know what I don't know. I can only continue to do what I know to help me reclaim my life, and that is working my program. That is what I am going to do. Keep moving forward.