Update on things...what's next

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Childofmine, Apr 30, 2014.

  1. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    difficult child, as many of you know, was arrested again nearly four weeks ago (four weeks tomorrow). The same day he texted to say he got a job is the same day he was arrested for shoplifting at Walmart.

    He's been in jail since then. This time, he could go to prison. Last time, he agreed to "language" that said if you get arrested one more time, you're going to prison. I understand his PO may or may not violate him.

    I was crushed at the news four weeks ago. And, I have come to see more since that time.

    1. I have not accepted him as he is.
    2. I have been waiting every day for him to change. Silently but actively waiting.
    3. This may go on forever or a very very long time---longer than I ever imagined or could conceive.
    4. I have a ways to go in my own recovery. I have come a long way, and I still have a long way to go.
    Like SO says, it takes a long time to walk into the forest. And it takes a long time to walk out of the forest.
    5. I have to let him go even more.

    These are good things for me to realize. They are reality.

    I am tired of living in a dream world. I am tired of my own naivete.

    That doesn't mean I have given up hope. I haven't.

    I know miracles happen and he can turn, and walk in a new direction at any time. God is in charge. God is right here with me and with him. God wants the best for both of us.

    But I am continuing to choose life. My own best life I can build.

    God is even good in this. I have been very busy for the past several weeks. Busy with my grad school class---my final is Monday night---and it's the hardest class so far, and likely will be the hardest class I take in the program. I have lots of work---I have my own business and I am very busy. There is more to do every day than I can do. That is such a blessing, that I am depended on and I have committed to things outside myself.

    So I decided a couple of weeks ago---after I regained some of my equilibrium---that I would relax into this time instead of fighting against it. Who knows what will happen? My resistance or over-focus will not make it happen or not happen.

    I have done that.

    I have continued to work on myself, to do nice things (I bought a beautiful bunch of yellow tulips at the grocery store and I had them in a vase on my kitchen table until they were no more) for myself, to go to Al-Anon, to read and write on this site, to get as much rest as possible, to exercise four or five days a week.

    Last week I called difficult child's PO and left messages. He has not called me back. I wanted to find out what the process is for difficult child now in terms of violating his probation and possibly going to prison. I almost drove to the probation office and walked in to try to talk to somebody but just in time, I stopped myself, and I realized that I was trying to force a situation. I was trying to control something. I stopped myself, and I didn't go.

    I looked online to see if he is on the court docket. I can't see any kind of listing with his name.

    I haven't written him since the first postcard I sent when he went back to jail. He wrote me two letters and I haven't written back to the second one which was begging me to come and bail him out. Same old stuff.

    I haven't visited him.

    But as the time nears for him to possibly get out, I have decided that I am going to go and visit him. I am going to try to do that next Wednesday afternoon. My final will be over and a big project will be behind me. SO and I are going the next day to see easy child's fiancee graduate from pharmacy school.

    It will be the right time for a visit. I have also realized that I don't have to stay for the whole 45 minutes. If I don't feel comfortable, I will leave early. I want to lay eyes on difficult child, hear him talk, see how he is mentally and physically, and see if he knows what is next for him.

    I will also tell him not to come here if he gets out.

    These past four weeks have taught me more things that I needed to learn. I am pinching myself and trying to "take my own pulse" right now to see how I am really doing. I believe I have made progress in my expectations and in my acceptance with difficult child.

    I do not expect him to do anything different this time. I feel something different in my chest about that.

    I know I can fool myself. I had thought I was doing well with acceptance, but I found out I was not as far along as I thought on that. I might be the same this time.

    I can't see what I can't see, and I can't know what I don't know. I can only continue to do what I know to help me reclaim my life, and that is working my program.

    That is what I am going to do. Keep moving forward.
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Yep. We quit waiting for change. It does not mean that we have given up on them we just accept that it is in their time not ours. I have not driven the 6 hour round trip to see mine. I thought about it, but then got mad about the whole situation. I felt better about not going. We talk on the phone once a week for 5-10 min. and believe me that is more than enough.
  3. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Funny that we get to 5 or 10 minutes with them---like when I was seeing difficult child at the day shelter for 10 minutes, sitting in the car---and that was good and just right. Any more, and I'm nuts. Good lesson.

    Thanks, Pas. We live...and we learn.
  4. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    You are so much stronger than you were in the beginning, COM.

    Hard won strength, true ~ but you are stronger, healthier, more focused, brighter.

    You are more open, too. Less protected.

    I am proud that you have done what you've done, that you've come through it this strong, this kind, this sure.

    I feel like we're all in the Navy Seals or something.



  5. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    COM, it is hard for me even now to think about what 36 is and accept it. I mean, I do accept it...he has never been much different, but sometimes the sheer selfishness of him makes me need distance from him because normally I do not associate with those who are like him.

    I am very aggressively starting to practice radical acceptance, not just about him, but about life in general, when things don't go the way I'd like. I just tell myself, "Right now, it is what it is. I can't see the future."

    I used to make myself nutty by trying to second guess the future. I believe some people have that gift, but not me!!! I have found it peaceful to accept now as now and what is as what is. I have tried hard to cut out the4 "what ifs" about the future.

    Maybe you can sort of give that a try.

    Hope this helped a little and so sorry for your hurt and pain. But you are walking your path well and it will get better with time, no matter how it goes with your son. YOU will be better.
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  6. KrisfromNJ

    KrisfromNJ New Member


    We can do this! Your message really inspired me. I am a planner and fixer by nature, so I tend to get wrapped up in finding ways to fix things. I know we are all great parents and good people. It is time we start showing ourselves we are and leave that baggage we been carrying behind.....

    Today is a great day. I wish you the best on your final!

    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
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  7. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    I may print these out and post them for myself. I too have been silently but attentively waiting.
    I stopped my "copy"of your post just before "I have not given up hope" because I have. But I still can't fully, deepest in my heart, accept him as he is.

    YOu have done well, Child o' mine, Friend o' mine, You are making your choices for you now, for what feels appropriate to you. That is good health. I try and often succeed to do the same. You are't being reactive, you are choosing. Good for you. I am glad for you.

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  8. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    What a wonderful and inspiring post COM, you really have done so much work on yourself........you mapped out your strategy and you followed it wholeheartedly......... and it's working.

    Perhaps, as long as we are mothers, there may be "more work to do" about our difficult child's, but if we continue to choose life, to choose ourselves, we can have a good life worth living in spite of our difficult child's and their choices.

    I think that is a profound realization. It is our expectations which cause so much suffering and disappointment. We want so much for them to be okay, for them to thrive under the conditions we thrive under, but usually, they don't. Accepting my daughter for who she is, for the choices she continually makes has been the toughest thing I've ever had to do. To look at her without judgement, without resentment, without anger and just accept that she is in her own destiny...........and I don't get to fix it. No small feat for us parents.

    Yes I know how that feels. There is quite the razors edge between waiting for them to change and hope. I am not sure I always knew that distinction, but I do know that it's hard to figure out. For me, I had to let go of hope. Hope kept me waiting for her to change. Not that I don't believe in miracles or that people change, because I do. But that hope ended up being a destructive thing.......for me......... I am not advocating anyone else do that, that is just what happened for me.

    This quote by T.S. Elliiot helped me with hope........

    I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope
    For hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love,
    For love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith
    But the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting.
    Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought:
    So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.

    I don't feel hopeless, that's different, I just don't feel hope. For me, it is what it is and it may always be this way. I just had to let go on so many different levels.

    That's so positive COM, exactly what we are all doing here, moving forward..........YAY for you.........you done good.
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  9. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    I have decided that I am not going to go and visit difficult child in jail or write him, at least for now. He went to court last week and asked for a lawyer, and they appointed a public defender and his case will be heard June 25.

    I know that he is in jail and today, that is good enough for me.

    My mommy heart would like to lay eyes on him, show support, let him know I love him, all of that.

    But he knows all of that already. It would really be for me, but I don't think that ultimately it would be good for me or for him.

    If I can leave him alone, he can be on his own, and that is what needs to happen.

    So I have more than a month to relax into this time and just be. Work on me. Enjoy life. All of it.

    That is what I am going to do. He is somewhere, and today, that is enough for me.
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  10. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Thank you for updating us, COM. I have been wondering how your son's case was going. From what I know from your postings, I believe that he knows very well how much you love and support him. Love from a distance is sometimes the best love to give.
  11. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    This is stellar advice, MWM.