update- other shoes going to fall soon

[Signorina]

I've been working a lot, my mom was here for the 6 days before Christmas and pc18 came home last week. I've been reading in short bursts - I apologize for not replying more often. You all are always in my thoughts...

difficult child is still a polite houseguest/stranger and its starting to grate. He is living his life in our house & it cannot continue. If you remember - h had a "come to Jesus" talk w him about a month ago and we haven't seen much progress. He claims he is heading back to school at the semester. I doubt it. He isn't registered, back tuition isn't paid afaik. And though he landed his dream job at the local ski hill earlier this month - he has been blowing it off this week. Not a good sign. He got his back pay from his summer employer on Friday and I suspect has been on a bender.No way the local ski hill is giving time off over a snowy winter break!

He has not been driving. He doesn't have his own car and we can't insure him on ours as he is not a dependent nor a student and he has his own address 200 miles away. His job is 30 miles away. It's been a problem. H & I have given him a few rides there or to coworkers homes. He's bummed other rides (no public trans) from friends & coworkers. easy child 18 was going to take him this morning. easy child was up & dressed at 8:15 waiting. difficult child never got up. At 10, h woke him & difficult child said he wasn't going in.

This has gone on too long. We've delayed & placated bc it was the holidays and we had hope. Any attempts to get updates rec'd quick assurances from him. It's gotten too far now. It's not going to end well. I am in knots. He's not working, not going to school and he can't stay here. I can't live in limbo. But I fear where any discussion will lead. I know where it's going. He will say ugly things and storm out once again. And I'll cry for days. He'll be gone and out if touch & the cycle will continue. I don't know that I can keep going in this pattern.

In May, it will be 2 years since this began . No growth. Nothing's changed except he is still a stubborn 19 yo with 30 college credits - except now he will be 21 soon and is completely broke & has nothing to show for the last 2 years.





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[Calamity Jane]

Hi Sig,
Merry Christmas. I sure don't envy you and husband right now - it's just dreadful knowing what you have to do and just counting down the days till unpleasantness ensues. on the other hand, you and husband are a wonderful couple, great parents, and smart cookies. You'll know what to do when the time comes. If difficult child stomps out, so be it. Maybe he'll shock you and be receptive to help - who knows? I hope so.
2 yrs. is a long time to be treading water. Guess it's time to drain the tub. Yuk.

 

[Kathy813]

Oh, Sig, it sounds like he is just stagnating. How frustrating that must be for you and your husband. Is the girlfriend still in the picture or did I miss something?

~Kathy

 

[Nancy]

I'm sorry that you are right back where you were two years ago Sig. It's so frustrating when we see no progress in a years time let alone two years. By the time I was our difficult children age I was almost finished with college and looking forward to getting married. We seemed so much more mature and ready to make our way than our difficult children do now. My parents didn't have to kick me out, I knew when it was time to leave the nest and I spent years preparing for it. I spend a lot of time trying to figure out what changed in a generation and I just don't know.

 

[Signorina]

The girlfriend dumped him over the summer. Stagnating is the perfect description. I really don't want him out but he can't just be here pretending life is some long HS summer vacation. This is not going to end well and I am dreading the conversation that will most likely become a confrontation. Avoidance is not exactly setting a good example either.

And I have so many other things going on that need my attention. It's enough already. I need to get back to my life & my job both of which are threatening to start spinning wildly. As it is- I am waiting to hear about a long promised raise which never came thru and I gave them a 12/31 deadline! And husband started a great new job and he can't have difficult child taking up brain space; h NEEDS this job & needs to soar with it; it's a new position in a great company but I fear the newest position could be the first job cut- Know what I mean?? I know husband dropped the ball with his own company - which we are closing officially on 12/31 - partially because of the constant preoccupation w difficult child. I'm not going thru that again. And what if one of the pcs need us? It's someone else's turn for crying out loud!

He's almost 21, I suspect he is biding his time playing student until his hometown friends go back to school & then what? I was trying to hold on because the ski instructor job was a dream job for him & I wanted him to have the chance to feel some success. And he blew it. It doesn't bode well.

Him storming out angrily is just going to be another month of crying and then long months of worrying if he's breathing and jumping if the phone buzzes too late at night. It's like Groundhog Day and I need to get a grip.

Thanks for listening- I know it's venting and anxiety and peri menopausal PMS- but life doesn't feel right and I know in my heart that its not.

 

[DammitJanet]

Sig I realize you probably dont want to hear from me but I will say it anyway. I think you have done a great job with him so far. He has really blown what was a great opportunity you gave him. I think he attempted to sow his wild oats a bit too late and even if he wanted to do some sowing of those oats in his first year of college as many do, he did it with far too much gusto. Most kids can at least manage to pull it together enough to make it to their sophomore year.

Right now he thinks he has the best of both worlds by staying your college boy even if its all a farce to everyone but his friends and his imagination. He doesnt have to grow up because he has a place to live and food in his belly. Time to make the little birdie leave the nest and fly on his own. Yes it is going to hurt like all get out. But that is the only way you are going to get any peace in your life. Dont worry about the what if's in his life. These kids have even more lives than cats. He will find so many couches to surf on you wont even be able to keep track of where he is at any given time. Simply hand over your worries to whatever is your higher power. He is not worrying at all about what this is all doing to you so dont spend one more minute losing sleep over him. I know this is so much easier said than done but you have to find a way to do it.

Do something constructive. Take a cardboard shoe box and decorate it nicely and cut a slit in the top and call it your worry box. Spend one half hour every night and worry as much as you can about your difficult child and write all your worries down on a piece of paper. After that half hour is done, fold that paper up and put it in the worry box. Dont look at it again. Do that every night. If you start to worry during the day remind yourself that you have a scheduled time to worry that evening and you have to put off your worries until that time. Pretty soon you will get the hang of it. Maybe at the end of a month or two you can open that worry box and read your worries and you will find out that the things you have been worrying about arent something you really need to worry about anymore.

 

[Signorina]

Do something constructive. Take a cardboard shoe box and decorate it nicely and cut a slit in the top and call it your worry box. Spend one half hour every night and worry as much as you can about your difficult child and write all your worries down on a piece of paper. After that half hour is done, fold that paper up and put it in the worry box. Dont look at it again. Do that every night. If you start to worry during the day remind yourself that you have a scheduled time to worry that evening and you have to put off your worries until that time. Pretty soon you will get the hang of it. Maybe at the end of a month or two you can open that worry box and read your worries and you will find out that the things you have been worrying about arent something you really need to worry about anymore.

Janet - I always want to hear from you...and that worry box is an amazing suggestion. It's so constructive - which is right up my alley and I never would've thought of it in a million years. It's kind of what I do with my journals- which is often line for line what I post here - I call them "letters to myself" though I should probably call it "posts on the CD boards"...LOL! Writing things out works really well for me and I am going to do it tomorrow!

(Someone else was doing a box along those lines - AG?, TL? Nancy? - a long time ago. Maybe it was a figurative box? A support group suggestion? I can't quite remember, just a wee memory in the corner of my head)

AND it's a really good excuse to buy a pair of shoes... lol

and a little update - he came home early tonight, non altered; had been at an old friends house - a girl who was a good friend of his for years; has a great INVOLVED family, lived close to us, and she is someone I ADORE - they had a true friendship from middle school. (When difficult child started hanging out with partiers and initially got into trouble when he was 16, I intercepted a few old emails from this friend - she was concerned and then ****** off at him for changing his persona and called him on it. His ex girlfriend saw her as a threat and their friendship waned.) Anywho, he named the people who were there, all solid, NICE, neighborhood kids- the people he stopped hanging out with once he starting going out with his now exgf... Just when I am about to give up hope, I get a glimmer...he said all the right things, has no plans for tomorrow night, may go back to this nice girl's house & hang out with old friends, surprisingly he is skipping the alternative rave style concert he usually attends. He is definitely at a fork in the road... and yes, I do get played ... so the cynic in me is on high alert too, no worries.

 

[rejectedmom]

I hope he is being on the up and up. I pray that these renewed friendships will lead him back to a foward path. -RM

 

[toughlovin]

Sig, I have been thinking about you today. So hopefully he is renewing some old good friendships and it will help him to want to choose a better path.

I have some other thoughts though. First you really have no control over what he does with his life, or what he doesnt do. You cant make him get his life together. This is really about needing to let go of the outcome. It is a gut wrenching process with a kid who is a difficult child but really he is going to do what he wants to do with his life. All you can do is let him know you love him. And you can set limits on what you will allow in your own home, and you can think carefully about ways you are enabling him and stop doing any of those things if you want to. But you cant keep him from wasting his life, doing nothing etc. You can decide how much you are willing to support and let him figure out the rest.

From all that you have said about your son, it seems to me he has a lot going for him and will figure it out eventually, but you cant make him do it.

So I wonder what this confrontation will be about? I literally wouldnt bother talking to him about blowing off work... he will learn soon enough that doesnt work because he will get fired. I know you dont want him to get fired, but really he will learn the lessons much better if they are not coming from your mouth... because they dont seem to learn from us that way anyways... So take the stress of yourself and dont confront him. You can choose how you will help or not help him... where you give him rides to, if you give him any money or material things, if he continues to live in your home.

From where I stand and with my experience I am not sure I would kick him out of the house. First of all by your own admission this will cause YOU great stress and worry. I have to say that having a child who is literally homeless and living on the streets feels awful, it really does. And if you kick him out that is a risk.... that is not to say that I would let my son come home because in my case i would not, but our situations are different.

So my thought is say the serenity prayer every minute if you have to... think long and hard about what you can change and what you can't.... and remember you can't change him only yourself. And think about what you are willing to do for him and what you are not.....but make what you are willing to do unconditional. If you have conditions attached then don't do whatever it is.

Hugs,

TL

 

[Signorina]

Well TL - it's not meant to be a confrontation but I think that's where it will end up. been there done that. He has repeatedly told his dad and me that he will be enrolled at school in January. He has not provided any details. Just that he is "working on it..." We don't know where or how or when.

We have no clue as to his plans. Is he returning to his apartment in his college town? If so, when? How? Will he being going to school in the college town? Working there? Not really my problem but I would like to know if he is going back there to live and if he is planning on us to take him. Or is he planning to stay here indefinitely? We've offered our limited help with tuition and repeatedly asked him to tell us his plans and in return he says "he is working on it". I am pretty sure he is stringing us along and lying to us. And that's making me uncomfortable. I can't keep playing along...classes start in 2.5 weeks, so it's getting less feasible that he plans to re-enroll.

He can't stay here unless he is working and/or going to school. I don't have set criteria but he can't live here indefinitely and sleep all day, go out all night without at least a pt job and/or taking some classes. As much as I don't want him to go, we have to have some standards. He isn't a toddler and this isn't a flophouse. I am really OK with any scenario, but I would like to know what the heck is going on. I mean it's ridiculous - he hedges everything and it's been going on since before Thanksgiving...and the time keeps passing and we are still in the dark.

And I don't think I am over reaching by asking him what the plan is - Know what I mean??

 

[toughlovin]

Definitely not a reach to ask what the plan is, although I think you already know the answer, he doesn't have one yet! So instead of asking him, and then getting upset by his non answer, why don't you figure out your plans, tell him what they are and let him go from there.

something like "I am free to drive you back to school on these days to drive you back to school if you need a ride, and since you haven't said otherwise we are assuming you are going back by date x and I have some project planned and will need your room to store stuff"

You get the idea. He obviously doesn't know what he is going to do and asking him just makes him defensive. Telling him your plans kind of puts it on him but less confrontationially I think...of course it may end up in a confrontation anyway.

TL