Update - rehab

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by greenrene, Apr 19, 2015.

  1. greenrene

    greenrene Member

    I posted about this first in SA, but I thought I'd post an update here for more visibility.

    It's too much right now to go into a lot of detail. Here is the cliffs notes version:

    husband continued to spiral out of control over the past couple of weeks. He was like a runaway train by the time his parents gave the ultimatum: go to rehab, or lose your job.

    It turns out that on top of drinking way too much, he had also been using harder drugs. I had foolishly entrusted our finances to him years ago, and he drained our bank accounts.

    There is a lot that I don't know. Apparently he'd been living almost a completely different life in Drugland.

    He's in a facility now for a 7 day medical detox plus a 60 day stay.

    The future of my marriage is dim. I just don't see him being able to stay clean and sober. This may be too much to forgive, on top of all the other issues we've had over the years.

    I have a wonderful therapist and generous inlaws who have promised to support me and the kids no matter what happens with their son, for as long as we need it. I'm planning to start al-anon meetings this week.

    I have a lot of work to do and a lot of decisions to make. I've been a stay at home mom for almost 15 years. I have a BS degree, but it's basically useless apart from being a base from which to spring for something new.

    So keep us in your thoughts/prayers/bead rattling/whatever, please. Things are tough, but I actually feel somewhat of a sense of relief knowing that he's gone, safe, and getting treatment. All the worrying and wondering over the years has taken its toll on me.

    Time to take care of ME. And my boys, of course.
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Prayers being said.
  3. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Hugs and prayers going out.
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Hugs and good thoughts.
    Glad you have in-laws who care about the big picture and don't treat you like an out-law...
  5. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Im so sorry your going through his with your hubby. I do understand being a stay at home mom for the same amount of years as well. ( I did work a day since and no hubby-family support) . Its a lot of tough decisions to make,glad your in laws are standing by you and your boys and yes, look for a job, I am :) I wish you peace and strength. Hugs greenrene.
  6. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    *** I meant to add I pray your hubby gets the help he needs and hes able to beat his addictions
  7. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Oh Greenrene, I'm so sorry you are going through this. My thoughts and prayers go out to you.

    I do hope your husband will decide he needs to change. I'm glad your in-laws are there for you. I have a similar situation in that my son chose his alcohol and drugs over his wife and small children and we have detached from our son but are there for our daughter in-law and grandkids.

    Don't fret too much about the fact you have not held a paying job in 15 years. You have a BS degree and that is something. Also, 15 years of raising kids counts, that's a job.

    ((HUGS)) to you.......

    Hang in there.
  8. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Greenrene, your degree IS NOT useless, at all. Think about what you would LOVE to do....and go from there. If you don't know yet what you love, spend some time finding out. The very best to you.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Prayers in your direction. Healing vibes for hubby. I think Al-Anon is a good decision to help you get support during this difficult time.
  10. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Sending up prayers for you and your family.
  11. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry to hear this Greenrene, you've been such a trooper with your step-daughter and now this with your husband. Yet,as you said, now you know......you can move forward now with your boys.

    Being around so many difficult children (including your husband here) takes a toll.......but it also gives us insights, tools, understanding and strengths we wouldn't have had otherwise. You're a true peaceful warrior Greenrene.

    Sending you and all of your family prayers and hugs and warm wishes.
  12. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member


    I did not see that one coming.

    You may have done this already, but if you haven't, contact Social Services or The United Way to learn about SOAR, a program to assist displaced homemakers in assessing their educations and skills relative to today's job market.

    You have your boys.

    Your post is strong.

    I recreated my life, and began a new career at 42. I could have taken my life in many directions. You will find that to be true for you, too. Fifteen years at home taught you invaluable things, things you do not realize as values, yet.

    Holding you and your people in my thoughts and prayers. Please post in when you can, greenrene. We would like to know that you are doing well.

    I have no doubt that you will recover beautifully.

    I felt misplaced too, after I had been home for so long. But I recovered beautifully, and you will, too.

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  13. greenrene

    greenrene Member

    Thank you all for the support.

    I found out today that he's been cheating on me with a co-worker. We used to jokingly call this woman his "work wife." I've always liked her, which makes my feelings of betrayal worse. I've suspected that he'd been cheating, but today it got confirmed.

    Apparently everyone found out about it a couple of weeks ago, but nobody told me. My sister in law was trying to tell me without outright telling me.

    This is the family business, owned by my father in law, that we're talking about here.

    Still reeling. This is a game changer.
  14. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh, I am so so sorry. You've been punched in the gut a lot lately, I hope you have support around you Greenrene......a lot of support. Go to your girl friends now, or mom or sisters, go to the women in your life so they can circle the wagons around you and hold you close.......they will be your soul nourishment through this. Sending you big, warm hugs.......I've been in those shoes, many years ago, I understand the anguish. I'm so sorry.
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    greenrene, I'm so sorry for all you are going through. And that you husband is obviously not the person you thought he was.

    Your degree WILL help you, and you can start out maybe doing caregiver jobs and then work up and into other jobs. Caregiving jobs are huge and you have certainly had experience in that!

    Sending you prayers and good vibes ;)
  16. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Im also sorry about this bad news. Your in my thoughts and deserve wonderful things to come. Always remember how wonderful you are and keep doing things for you and to improve your life. Many hugs :hugs:
  17. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member


    You did the right things in your marriage and in your life as a mother, and you are doing the right things, now.

    None of us can control how our mates will respond to the stresses our troubled kids bring to a marriage.

    I am sorry for the shock of the betrayal, and for the depth of it. Like we have had to do with our kids greenreen, TAKE TIME.

    There is nothing you need to do, right now.

    You merit cherishing and respect ~ in the midst of whatever else is going on, you merit cherishing and respect.

    Holding you and yours in my thoughts and prayers.

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  18. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    My kids dad cheated on me with his secretary nine years ago then married her, so I can certainly empathize with some of what you are going through. You will take time to heal, but trust me, you will overcome this. Try and do something nice for yourself daily and remind yourself that you are a very strong, capable woman. Big hugs.
  19. greenrene

    greenrene Member

    As if all that wasn't enough.

    NOW he has checked himself out of rehab, insisting upon doing things "his way." He is back in town, but not at home.

    Mistress says that they have been together since May/June of last year and are "in love." husband says they were together a month or so ago, and it's over.

    Can I please get off this roller coaster? I'm going from furious to sad to confused over and over again.

    I went to my second al-anon meeting today and was once again amazed by the people there - warm, caring, wanting to help. I definitely could use the RL support!