Update to BFF situation

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Hound dog, Mar 9, 2010.

  1. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    It has been a rough couple of days. I've been walking around in a rage that has me shaking and can not concentrate to the point where I can barely remember my own name. I'd have skipped school except we had an exam on monday and check offs for giving shots today. The check offs really threw me for a loop. I was a mess. No tears.....I don't cry in public....but my mind was just gone. The needles and syringes made me think of Bff and I just couldn't get past it. Instructor asked me several times what on earth was wrong with me, had I suddenly turned blonde? I just don't mess up when it comes to check offs. But my mind was everywhere but on what I was supposed to be doing. She basically had to walk me through the entire thing so she could check me off on it. And good grief, it's something I've done before without issue.

    Nichole and I went over to see bff's husband and the boys tonight. I called and asked them what they had to eat because Nichole wanted to see them. The husband said he'd had the boys out most of the day trying to keep them busy and they really hadn't eaten anything and there was no real food in the house. So we picked up KFC on the way over. The boys are holding up fairly well, although I still think the 14 yr old is in schock. The 9 yr old.....it's hitting him and he was glad to see me. They ate as if they were starving.

    And I have to say I'm surprised they weren't over with bff's family. But I've noticed that hasn't been the case. Odd. And hard to make sure their eating if no one is watching out for them. So I'll have to keep tabs on that.

    Unbelievable as it sounds, bff's drug suppliers, her so called "friends", had the nerve to show up at the house today. Bff's husband totally lost it and unleashed his own rage on the guy and might have killed him if a neighbor hadn't pulled him off. He's been waiting for a visit from the police.......but evidently the dealer doesn't want to go that route. Bff's husband had warned them to stay away, I guess they were just too stupid to listen. So he now has arranged for friends of his to keep watch at the funeral to keep them away.

    The autopsy is complete. The funeral is thursday evening. easy child and Nichole will be going with me.

    Bff's husband wion't return to kentucky. He talked it over with the boys and they don't want to move. So his brother gave him a job and they'll be staying in town for now.

    This is just surreal. Seeing the boys and her husband this evening I kept expecting her to walk into the room.......
  2. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    It is so sad, Lisa. Utterly awful. Good for you, taking them food. At a time like this, it is so easy to just let things fall apart. Comfort food can help a lot in so many ways.

    As for you and your exams - have you told your course advisors etc just what is going on for you? You need to explain your distraction to them so they can help you.

    And the drug dealer - definitely call the cops on the guy. husband's attack on the guy is completely understandable. Besides, the cops might want a sample of what BFF took, to test for purity. If she was given a "hot shot" or a contaminated shot, there will be others maybe.

    I hope the creeps stay away from the funeral. But maybe have the cops tipped off to keep an eye open as well. If BFF's death can get these ratbags off the streets, then surely it would be a good thing.

    Try to stay focussed on your exams and your course, hold it together for BFF. She wouldn't want her death to pull you off course.

  3. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    I found this article a while back and thought it may help you deal with the rage you are experiencing and to try to mentor the boys in their grief without letting them know what you are doing. This lady is a songwriter - and lost her brother/husband and this is how she got through it. I thought there was a lot of power in this article.

    7 Ways To Deal With Grief
    1. Talk about your loved one - a lot.
    I knew that people would wonder if they should bring up Nicholas's name. They would wonder if I would burst into tears and suffer from the questions. The truth was that I yearned to talk with people about him. I felt better in doing so.
    I think that in talking, we keep that person closer to us. When a person you love has recently died, there is often a feeling that they are still "here." Perhaps just behind a veil or just barely out of sight. Talking about him/her keeps that mysterious presence - present.
    2. Take time to be alone with your lost love.
    I also found that after a couple of precious hours of being out with friends that I yearned to "get home to Nick." I talked with him a lot. I wandered through the empty apartment asking him, "Where are you?" I picked up his recently-worn clothing and stuck my nose into them - breathing deeply.
    While it might sound morbid, I think that the wandering, searching, sense-related process is a natural part of letting go. People hunger for ways to stay with their lost loves. And this is a time when you can say to him/her the words that you wished you had said when they were alive. You pour out your soul, so that eventually new life can pour in - as it will.
    3. Engage In Meaningful Activity
    When Nicholas died, I took over running his internet business, Red Flags Daily. This was a business that had a powerful mission to research and write the truth about major health-related issues.
    Not everyone will have (or want) this kind of opportunity to keep a loved-one's work alive. But I think that we need to feel our actions during this grieving period have real purpose - no matter what we do. For a grieving wife, that may mean looking after the children who have just lost a father. For others it could mean doing some volunteer work. The act of taking meaningful action brings purpose back in to life - when one's life-purpose may have become quite fragile.
    4. Stay Connected With Friends
    Good friends are important to a person's healing from grief, especially if they have known your loved one. Friends can also offer the solace of touch/comfort. Do not underestimate the need for close physical comfort during grieving. Know that your need for a hug is a necessary part of healing.
    In writing about her book, "Hold Me Tightly," Dr. Sue Johnson states: "We have a wired-in need for emotional contact and responsiveness from significant others. It's a survival response...Touch is the most basic way of connecting with another human being."
    When we lose a loved one, we have also lost the incomparable feeling of their arms wrapped around us - their loving eyes upon us. Good friends can help to lessen that sense of lost touch.
    5. Celebrate his/her life
    Celebration may not be a word that comes to mind when you think about grieving, but for me it was an important part of the journey. I wrote about Nicholas's special qualities in my journal. I told people about his acts of kindness and his special kind of love for me. I made photo-montages of our life together. I wrote several songs and a few poems. Some of these works became public, most did not.
    I think that the act of being creative about a loved one's life brings to us new realizations about both ourselves and the lost person. We can come to life anew as we "celebrate" another person after their death. And really, in grief, everything is about finding new life for ourselves. They are gone - we go on.
    6. Gradually, Delicately, Purge
    Because Nicholas had been a journalist and a writer for 30 years, we had many, many boxes of files, papers and documents dating back to the beginning of his writing life. I could not look at those for several years. But gradually, over a couple of years, I began to put away some of his pictures. And I threw out files. The photo montages went behind my desk and then into a cupboard and ultimately... gone.
    I think we need to keep our loved ones around us for awhile. And then there comes a time when, little by little, we need to let go of those strong connections. They can keep us from integrating the past into our present - and thus, from moving forward. And it may also be true that we keep our loved ones from moving on, in some sense, as well.
    7. Let him/her go
    I felt I was ready to have a new love in my life. I had grieved deeply and fully, offstage and on, for 3 years. I had put away most memorabilia from Nicholas's life. I felt that he was well-integrated into the fibres of my being. But I was having a very hard time making any decisions. I was a model of indecision at a time when my financial stability rested upon wise action.
    I suspect that many of us who have gone through profound grief have come to that telling time when we are feeling "better" - we know that life will go on, that we will go on - but we are still stuck. And we wonder what we need to do in order to really get back into life. Perhaps it will just take time? Perhaps I will never be "right" again?
    At the time when I was at the peak of frustration about my indecision, I had the good fortune to be introduced to Meribeth Dayme, a woman who practices a process called energy healing. And while I was quite skeptical about it, I agreed to have her do a session with me. After reading my energy during a phone call, she told me that Nicholas was not gone. She suggested that I perform a ritual during which I would actively release him from wherever he was stuck. Unusual words, yes. But death is a mystery. So I decided to perform my own kind of ritual.
    I took down two of the three remaining pictures I had in my office, and I put them away in a box. I lit a candle and I said out loud, "I release you, beloved man."
    Perhaps in doing these kinds of rituals, we release something deep inside ourselves. Perhaps Meribeth was right, he was not gone. Shortly after doing that, my life improved. I made decisions with greater ease. And life took on a new kind of flow.

    Barbara Lewis is a singer, songwriter, teacher & writer who has a long-standing interest in finding ways to live a healthier, happier life. Some of her original music explores these themes. Barbara's latest composition, a serenity-enhancing guided meditation called, Your Inner Voice - is available FREE at: http://www.barbaralewis.com.

    Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Barbara_E._Lewis
  4. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Lisa, you are such a good friend for checking on her family and bringing dinner over. That's probably the best thing for them right now -- a familiar face to check up on them and make sure they're taking care of their basic needs, which, as you can see, are easy to forget about when you are overwhelmed by grief.

    I wonder if husband can give the police whatever phone numbers BFF had in her phone for the scum that supplied her... they might be able to arrest them if they can find them. And that would at least give some purpose to her otherwise senseless death.

  5. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Oh do be a friend and send some dinner over to the scum. At the bottom of the pie plate you could write - Back atcha- Kisses. Hate drug dealers with a passion.
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Names and numbers of her dealers have been turned over to police......although not by her husband, but by other family members who were more familiar with them via their comings and goings. Nichole just posted the news article. The death is under investigation. I'm guessing something popped up in the autopsy. Article has most of the facts wrong. (go figure) As it was not the boyfriend who found her......and the husband is the one who had brought the boys back to the house.

    I'm doing a bit better today. Not much but can at least focus on studying better. I think checking on the guys and bringing them food made me feel like I was doing something, which is what I needed. We took over enough for tonight as well.....figuring they'd not mess with making themselves something to eat.

    Now I think I may have to start worrying about Nichole. It's really hitting her now and she doesn't deal with losses of those she's close to very well. She adored my bff as a young child.......heck clear up until 2-3 yrs ago actually. I'm going to have to keep an eye on her.

    Thank you Star for the article. She is very insightful and what she says is true. husband went up to see Travis and left me alone in the house today. I vented my anger shouting at the empty rooms as if bff were standing in front of me. I screamed everything I would've screamed if she were really standing there. It helped vent off the anger quite a bit. And I really needed that. It's a process, I know that. And I'll keep telling myself that until I work through it.

  7. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Many gentle hugs for you and all the family.
  8. klmno

    klmno Active Member