Update to my situation

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by ducky8888, Jul 31, 2013.

  1. ducky8888

    ducky8888 New Member

    I want to thank everyone who gave positive suggestions to help me through a rough time.

    I am still having to catch myself (and being caught by my girlfriend) being negative. As I have explained to her, I am holding onto events that have happened recently and there is no resolution/repercussion for.

    He was caught using my gaming device again (after having it taken away at his friends house/stay over). He received no "punishment". He got into my tools, again (working on getting a key for the lock), to steal a rim and tire from my bike, his mother found him doing this and told him "dont be using tools that arent yours" then left because she was running late to an appointment. After finding the theft and all my tools left in the driveway, no "punishment". Yesterday, he was found at his Aunt's house, all the way across town from the friend's house he was supposed to be at, and he got there by stealing my son's bike and hiding it at his Aunt's house. The "natural consequence" was that because he wasnt where he was supposed to be, he missed out on hanging out with his grandparents during their visit.

    Before discovering the missing bike I got a bit upset because he took a laptop from his brother, who was watching a show, so he could watch a movie. After this event I had a private talk with my girlfriend and expressed that I dont think he is getting consequences that are equal to the offense. Her reply was that she doesnt have the energy or the patience to deal with his outbursts, I.e if the Tv is taken away we might get another hole in the wall, or smash another broom through the tile on the dining table. I told her this is exactly the problem. He knows the bigger his fits, the least likely she is going to do anything in the future. I asked her how this is setting him up for the future? What example is this setting for the other kids?

    The good news is, I have gotten through my "crisis" and am trying to react better. I have decided to calmly let my girlfriend know whats happening, let her deal with the situation, back her up if needed, and we talk about the outcome later.
  2. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thanks for the update. I can understand your frustrations. Often times with my difficult child I have felt the same way. It often felt to me that difficult child got away with a ton of stuff. However, with my difficult child, much of what he did was not withing his control when he wasn't properly medicated (not that this excused his actions). Punishing him didn't help him not to do things again. He didn't learn from consequences.

    I do think he should have been made to pick up your tools and put them away (when he was in a place where he could do it; that was another thing with my difficult child that drove me nuts-I wanted it done "now" and for him he needed time to process and calm before he could "make things right").

    I also understand your girlfriend's being afraid of escalating difficult child with tougher consequences. With difficult child we did get escalation-(again much more so when he was not properly medicated). There were times when husband would just say he felt more punished than difficult child. He needed the peace because our house seemed like such a battleground.

    Now that my difficult child is older, 16 (I can't remember how old your difficult child is) and properly medicated (for him this was an absolute must) he accepts consequences better. He is still not great at it. I have learned to say to him, if you do this then this will happen but it is your choice. Let me know which you choose. He will still get loud and angry but will eventually calm and usually make the better choice-if not he suffers the consequence and accepts it better than he would have (again not perfectly because he is still a major difficult child).
  3. Jules71

    Jules71 Warrior Mom since 2007

    She likely doesn't have the patience or energy to deal with his outbursts because history has taught her that consequences/punishments do not work for him.

    Gaming device - lock it up.
    Tools - lock them up.
    Each kid should have their own bike lock.
    Constant supervision so that when the difficult child takes the laptop from his sibling, the parent steps in and corrects the situation.

    What help is being sought outside of home in terms of medications and/therapy? What medications does he currently take?
  4. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    Sounds like you came up with a good plan for taking it to your girlfriend. Good luck.
  5. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

  6. ducky8888

    ducky8888 New Member

    Jules, he is on Vyvanse, Guanfacine, and one other, I think focalin. Therapy has been a huge issue, he sees a psychologist once a month for 15 minutes. He is in an IEP where he receives a once a week visit with a therapist. I have actually been impressed, for the most part, with the local IEP program. With the exception of one incident where difficult child "bought" a Thrasher magazine (totally inappropriate material) from the student store, they have been very good. We also have a WRAP around program, which is on hold for the summer. He has been in behavioral therapy in the past (to try and make him more aware of spacial issues). His only evaluation has been a 1 hour session with a psychologist (a couple years ago), they spent 45 minutes with him, tried a couple tests where he could not finish and got angry, talked to him for a few minutes where he opened up about anger and his family life, then spent the remainder of the time talking with my girlfriend. there was a 20 page evaluation completed, most of which repeated the same information 3 or 4 times. After posting a few times on here and asking for advice, about 6 months ago, I have come to the conclusion that he needs a more extensive evaluation with a neuropsychologist, and I believe he is on the spectrum. I dont know how, or if, this diagnosis would change anything.

    I am working on locking everything up. I spent the weekend building cabinets and drawers in the garage that I can lock things in. The issue here is that, in the past, if he wants something in a locked area, he breaks in. I am ordering the keys for my roll-away tool chest (broke them years ago and never needed to lock it...) So my smaller tools will be locked in the toolbox, and toys/bigger tools get locked in the cabinets and drawers. We will see how long until he tries breaking the locks off, but I am hoping that if all the tools are locked away, he wont have anything to break the locks with. n the past he has had his own tools, given to him by his grandfather (bad idea). We have decided that these too will be locked up, as he has shown he cant be responsible with them and will need to ask permission to use them, when he can be supervised.
  7. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    If there's any chance he might be on the spectrum, it would pay to start learning about how to parent Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD)/Aspie kids. It's a whole different road, a whole different set of assumption. Spectrum kids are wired differently, they think differently, they process the world around them differently. Things that work for Spectrum kids work for many other types of kids including neurotypical kids... but what works for neurotypical doesn't work for Spectrum kids.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Punishing him won't change him. He needs professional help and to get away from abusive father. He is not a typical child. difficult children do not tend to learn from punishment and are very hard to raise because they also don't have respect for adults. With the beatings he gets from dad and the non-parenting he gets from Mom, and you not being able to do anything to get him help, things are unlikely to change on this child's part. I'm really stunned that mom isn't doing more for him. Seeing a counselor once a month isn't going to change him either...not one bit. Your own kids are going to have to deal with this child as long as you deal with him. He won't respect their boundaries either. Isn't girlfriend concerned for her two children who are younger than him, especially the four year old?
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Great ideas here.
    And I get it!
    Ducky8888, you seem to be doing all the right things. I agree, the consequences should be natural, no matter how big or small. And they should not be determined by his potential outbursts. We've had plenty of holes kicked/punched into our walls, and plenty of rages, and once difficult child realizes we will not back down, he does change. Consistency and follow-through are the keys.
    I understand your girlfriend, but she's got to live through a few rages to make the changes stick. He knows he can get away with-stuff.
    You sound like a whiz, building and locking things. I have to hire people for the simplest of door locks. ;)
    And it does sound like your difficult child is on the spectrum, because he doesn't "get it" when it comes to "seeing" things, like messes on the floor, broken tools, etc.
    You have to explain. Every. Single. Thing. Step. By. Step. It is wearing and wearying. But it works.