Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by dirobb, May 7, 2008.

  1. dirobb

    dirobb I am a CD addict

    Where to start...After the disaster with the day treatment of difficult child 14ss. We are still doing weekly psychiatrist appts. trying to straighten out medications. Needless to say he has occuppied our thoughts. Still struggling.......

    Meanwhile difficult child 16sd has been reserved since her sisters wedding (we let her go with her mom...who brought her back....mom was tipsy and had a young man B with her...family friend..brother of her sis new hubby..)She has gone to stay the night at a friends (one she had been arguing with and was once again her bestest friend..shes borderline...so the love/hate is not so unusual) twice since the wedding approx 5 weeks ago.

    I took easy child(who apparently has her own drama during this..more on that in a bit) shopping. My other three graduate this year. Getting ready for their party. We get home and difficult child 16sd and husband are in a heated argument. (She has repeatedly told us at 17 the police will not do anything if you leave home...sadly around here it is true..real hard to get them to go look for one that left on their own) He found her with a cell phone (she had it once before said it was her friends and she was charging it) She had also been sporting jewlery ..ring... that was too big for her friend so she was letting her wear it.

    I'll spare all the little details. But she kept pressing that she had to have the phone back. B(20+ guy)a friends cousin (lie) got her the phone and is paying her friends mom to let her use it. (she has a locked phone ...but not good enough for her)She had all her numbers in it and had been contacting all her old friends and biomom. husband said that her friends mom will have to contact him to get the phone.
    husband had grounded her and took all the phones away. Told her she broke all trust and had probably jeopordized her chances for a summer job and car.
    Then she starts screaming that she doesnt see what the big deal is anyway shes almost 18 then she can do whatever she wants and we cant stop her from talking to or seeing whoever she wants. (She has repeatedly told us at 17 the police will not do anything if you leave home...sadly around here it is true..real hard to get them to go look for one that left on their own) husband and I have been talking about the fact that this summer she was probably leaving when she turns 17 in three months She continued to yell and rant. (this has been building for sometime, the stress level at our home is enormous. She has been her about 2 1/2 years)

    husband said enough, Call your mom she can come pick you up. (her mom had been encouraging this relationship with B and that she will rescue her from our house since she first came here.)

    She leaves..she did not say goodbye to husband..but went in to ask him if she could have the phone back..We took away her drivers permit and the gym membership and kept all the phones.

    The pics in the phone were locked. easy child knew the code. Naked pics of B. Then we get the rest of the story (paul harvey..thanks) Her friends mom had been allowing them to use her house as a safe house..leting them stay the night together..haveing sex and who knows what else. She apparently became engaged over texting the day after her sis wedding. Her other family members knew. They think its cute/sweet.

    So she is mad and calls to chew us out (her biomom let her call) for taking her things. (we let her take all her clothes and belongings..including two new dresses for the party whe will not be attending) I told her we were not going to be the responsibilty behind her permit any longer since she no longer lived here. These were priviliges associated with living in our house within our guidelines. She then tells me easy child is no angel. (mostly due to her influence...but does not make it right) so easy child tells me she was talking to someone she probably shouldnt have been (33) and went to the movies once with difficult child and another guy we did know about.

    fast forward to the next day. bio calls we sent a letter allowing grandmom to have care of difficult child. for school and medical care. This is not good enough. Biomom told me her mother does everthing for her as she has no time. (this has been what has happened in the past...so I cut out the middleman and gave auth directly to gma)

    Well she goes off on husband. kept calling back to yell some more. I finally tell her we are at the office. if difficult child has an emergency need we will speak to her otherwise she could call at home in the evening. She came unglued and starts attacking me and easy child, that my DAUGHTER is dating a man in his 30"S and I had better look into that.

    easy child and difficult child see guys in very different lights. I was not about to engage with her..what would be the point.

    I am very disappointed in easy child. she knew this stuff was going on and did not let us know. But she didn't want to face difficult child is she got angry and I can understand that too.

    easy child turns 18 today. She is sad/depressed with difficult child gone. They had become friends as well as stepsisters.

    I am so very sad at the choices difficult child has made. I have a uncle that works with the juvenile dept. He kept telling me you can only do so much. The change has to come from themselves. She had made such strides. I do not undertand why she would want to sabotage her future.

    I dont think she will finish school as she is now turning 17 this summer and repeating the 9th (if they dont enroll her in school soon) This has been a big issue at her bio moms home before.

    Have we done the right thing? We did what we could. Nothing else for her was going to change. She would have continued to escalate over the next few months. easy child was planning on moving out to get away from the drama. We'll see what happens next.
  2. dirobb

    dirobb I am a CD addict

    I forgot one of her texts implied that she thought she might be preg. But appartently each time she and her friends have sex they are sure they are preg. (Yes she has a sex abuse background and has had lots of sex ed talks) Not that they were doing anything to prevent a preg.

    Before everyone post that we should file charges. we are working on that. We have talked to our attorney. But every other time we have done this the court/police have refused to follow through. So we will see. We had two other young men who we had to file on.
  3. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    So sorry for all the drama. You know the expression "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink", I think it applies here. You have done your best but it is complicated by her relationship with her birthmom. It would mean alot if she could get her GED and I'm sure you would encourage that but you aren't just fighting difficult child, you are fighting her birthmom as well and I'm not sure you can win. All you can do is try to keep some line of communicatiuon open and let her know you care and are willing to help her get ahead. It is very sad that her birthmom doesn't want a better future for her.
  4. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Boy, with Boimoms like that, who needs enemies? I think you are doing all of the right things. I know that doesn't make it any easier. It just makes you right.

    I know this hurts terribly right now. But with all of the outside influences right now, all you really are able to offer her is a fight. I'm glad you took all of the "stuff" away. She certainly can get her wonderful biomom and friend's mom to get all of those things for her if they love and care for her as much as they say.

    Look after yourselves and your others at home for now. Protect yourself from difficult child 16 sd's venom and retribution. I'm really sorry that you have to go through this.
  5. I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I can't personally offer you any advice, but I will send you hugs!

  6. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Wow...so sorry things are in such an upheaval. Sending hugs and prayers that the situation smooths out for everyone.
  7. dirobb

    dirobb I am a CD addict

    thank you guys (not literal) Still spinning here. Gma and bio shipped her off to live with her friend to finish school. Yes, the same friend where all of this was going on. These people are unbeliveable.

    I had asked the school to withdraw her on Mon. They never did. (A few weeks ago when difficult child 14ss wnt into the hospital they withdrew him when we went to the intake before one in the afternoon--without me asking them to) I am so aggravated at the school. I gave them an overview of what happened and who was involved. I know they think they are helping by letting her finish out the school year. Why do some people not understand the concept of natural consequenses.

    I got a letter last night that a court case between bio and husband had been dismissed???? we called this am adn she had apparently tried to seek visitation revisions filed in Jan. They show that husband was served---NOT. No one showed up for court so they dismissed the case. Mute now. but WTHeck. I just think what if she had showed up and they would have decided whatever cause they said they served husband.

    I know I am just venting and rambleing but all of this has me frazzled. It is supposed to be a happy busy time with my kids graduating. It is that in addition to everything else. I need a hawiian vacation. (the kind place with no phones or distractions--just me, husband, water, sand and umbrelled drinks) One can dream right.
  8. Christy

    Christy New Member


    Hang in there. Take comfort in knowing you are doing all you can but people have to be motivated to change.